Water Dragon Year 2012

Enter the year of the dragon, the year in which almost all of my friends are born in, and in which most of my friends are experiencing for the third time or more. For lack of ideas in which to better start of my post, I present to you SOHMA HATORI – the Dragon of Fruits Basket ^^

One of my first favourite male characters – Fruits Basket being one of the first animes I’ve been introduced to XD

Tomorrow will also be the first year I will be entering armed with a resolution. Although calling it a “resolution” might be inappropriate as it looks more like one of those “100-things-to-do-before-you-die” lists.

It’s quite short at the moment, but as it’s a list, and me being a greedy human being, no doubt I’ll be adding more things for me to try to accomplish. Haha~

A couple of those would be to write and draw more, a past time of mine that I’ve unknowingly put on hiatus for almost 5 years – the year since I left my alma mater.

Looking back, there are many things I stopped doing since that time. And I believe, by doing so, I left my soul there, causing me to cease possessing some human-like values. Hee.

I’m lucky enough to have some people teach me how to be human again, haha, and with that I remember how it used to be – how I used to be 5 years back.

This time I’m not letting it go. Not ever again.

Oop! On a lighter note, the next year being my first to have a resolution, I am determined to see it through. Wikipedia says that only 22% of the human population manage to complete their resolutions, but I’m not stupid enough to believe that my will is strong enough at the moment to allow me to complete EVERYTHING on my list.

So at some point when I was drafting this resolution of mine, the first item reads “To complete at least 80% of list”. It doesn’t seem like such a huge number then, but as I am typing it now, doubts are arising that 80% is going to be a tall order. (Sign of my already weakening will, perhaps? haha.)

Anyway, this post has been long enough. To those going to battle out their resolutions in the New Year like me, let’s work hard!

And to everyone else:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Unrelated: Few of my favourite characters in an anime I’m following – and also one of my sources for inspiration this New Year, I hope! ^^

Decisions, decisions

I think because I ridicule god too much, that’s why it derives joy and enacts revenge by playing with my head.

Why else would this company be able to choose the worst possible timing to present their job offer to me?

If I were to work for them, it would be only for the salary, as I do not see myself learning anything or staying there forever if there is another option.

To put it simply, this offer is like a bird – a chicken, which allows itself to be captured ONLY when there are other more tempting species flitting around in the bush.

If the animals in the bush are non-existent, this stupid avian creature disappears from sight as well.

Two weeks ago when I made my decision to just be satisfied by this common fowl, and ignore those more to my interest that were just beyond my grasp in that imaginary bush, the goddamned chicken was nowhere to be found.

Despite my best efforts to locate the animal, it remained elusive. Now that I’ve regained some confidence and set my sights on the more magnificent prizes in the bush, this chicken has returned, presenting itself in a cage.

I have yet to accept it.

Because this time, I REALLY want that eagle in that bush.

But harsh reality speaks to me. That eagle, being such a wanted and magnificent creature, is truly hard to capture.

This chicken would make me live a mediocre and money-chasing life.

But this chicken has always been playing with my head.

And now it’s walking towards that bush, but a leash trails behind it. Telling me that its way easier to capture compared to that sought after eagle.

AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! AS I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN, I HATE YOU, YOU DEITY ABOVE THAT’S AMUSING YOURSELF WITH THE SHOW YOU CALL HUMANS!

Hypocrite

I am, in many ways, a hypocrite. 

I’ll complain and preach to people about bad habits or behavior humans have that tick me off, then somewhere along the road I’ll do commit those sins myself.

I know. I expect every other human being out there besides myself to be perfect.

I know it’s unfair. I know sometimes their behavior tick me off at the worst timings. I know at times they themselves can’t help it. I know if I were in their shoes I’d be like that as well, and helpless about it too.

But I get ticked off anyway.

That’s how hypocritical I am.

So at times like this I hate myself for being human. For being unable to be fair. For being a hypocrite.

Mostly for being a hypocrite.

Crap. I know I’m in the wrong. But don’t go about yelling as if you’ve always been right. And just as I found a way to turn my mood around completely, and feel like sharing that joy with you, you come back and spout another load of crap at me.

I KNOW.

But you’re supposed to already forget about it and f*cking move on.

YOU were the one who told me to move on. Why can’t you?

And you. Just because you’ve got crap loaded all over you, don’t go around scooping it up and loading it at someone else.

And me. I hate myself for not being able to control my moods better. I hate my negative moods for being do friggin dominant. I hate the positive ones for being so positively god damned HARD to drag out.

I get too easily distracted.

I hate it.

Tying up things are a way to be control those things. That’s why I hate ties that I did not get a chance to consent to. It’s good if I eventually learn to tolerate those ties but I never got to it. Maybe, someday, in the future? Not likely, at this rate.

I do not accept any bindings besides the ones I’ve personally placed on myself.

And you. The one who left all physical bindings. Free from all who controls you.

Was that why you left?

Have you obtained the ultimate freedom?

I wish to be like you someday, even if the freedom I’ve imagined was just an illusion.

...

was that you?
thank you.
I'm selfish, i know.
but please come again if you can?
I miss you so much.

A tribute to you

You were born, possibly due to irresponsibility.

Whether directly or indirectly.

By chance, you found your way to me, where you were to be released from this irresponsible world you were bred into.

I took you in. You had no choice but to accept.

I watched you grow.

They said you would be big. Bigger still if you had access to everything you could devour.

I watched you learn all the selfish things I wanted to teach you.

You knew. And you would grudgingly oblige me.

Your freedom was something I took in exchange for my hospitality.

I did all I could, and all I could ill afford, to try to ensure you at least had a healthy life.

I tried to make you happy to the best of my ability.

Were you? 

I wasn’t there much after your teenage years.

And after you reached adulthood still my presence in your life was infrequent.

But you were always in mine. 

You wandered away sometimes, but you always stayed near.

If you didn’t, you’d still always return.

Back home.

Now you didn’t. 

You couldn’t.

I watched you leave.

Did you wait so that I could do so?

I wish you happiness wherever you are now.

I miss you. Already.

I’ll find you. Someday.

If you’d still have me.

Come find me sometimes.

I promise I won’t be scared.

But don’t linger too long, move on when you can.

I love you. Always.

...

Warning: Look. I’m whining here. Don’t take it personally.

Depressed. It’s my off day. So I shouldn’t be. But I’m depressed BECAUSE it’s my off day.

BECAUSE I’ve time on my hands.

BECAUSE I should be trying to find information on what I want to do.

BECAUSE I don’t know what to do.

BECAUSE I don’t know what I’m doing.

Great. I wrote “because” so many times now it looks like it has the wrong spelling.

If I’m working I would give myself the excuse that I don’t have time to search for these kinds of stuff. But know that I’m home with the whole day (half the day has passed) on my hands and the reality is that I have no idea what to do or search for is coming down on me hard.

That is why I get terrible headaches on my off days.

Crap. I supposed to relax on off days. Not getting headaches and feeling more stressed than when I’, working.

Then to curb this headache I indulge in brainless mind washing to numb the pain.

Then when it’s over, so is the day.

Then I go back to work the next day and tell myself: “I must find something more conclusive to do with my life on my NEXT off day.”

And the cycle begins again.

Humans

I wanted to write about my first boat trip. And also my convocation. But those things are SO long overdue that I don’t really remember the feelings I had to effectively put them down on paper. I’ll try to write if anyone still wants to know, or I’ll tell them in person, yeah? ^^

Learning from this mistake I’m going to write down whatever whenever I get the feel for it. Haha.

So.

Warning. Sad story.

There was this cat today. The people who brought him in weren’t his owners, yet they were willing to pay for his treatment. The sad thing was, his prognosis was deadly poor, and it was wiser to just opt of PTS. At this point, they insisted that they rather the cat be given treatment, and be given the chance to pull himself through.

It was sad. To see the cat struggle while we tried to help him, believing, no doubt that human beings are going to deliver hurt to him again. Then while he was anaesthetized, while the wound cleaning was underway, his body started to cool. Why did I not take note of this? Maybe if I had given him some towels or external source of warmth he would have pulled through. But then again, the extra unnecessary things on the table would have just obstructed the objective and prolog the GA, further endangering his life.

By the time the cleaning was over, we suddenly noticed that he stopped breathing. The doctor gave him an injection to hasten his slowing heart and pumped him full of oxygen to aid his breathing. He did. It was then I realized his body felt as if he was just taken out from a refrigerator. Immediately we started to prepare the hot water gloves to attempt to warm him up, but he did not survive long enough to let us do it.

How did he end up in such a state? I supposed he should blame himself for being born in a neighborhood where many people disliked felines. It was suspected that somebody poured hot OIL, not water, over him, as water would have dried and only left him with burns.

But no, someone had to use OIL. Oil, which would clump his fur together, too scalding to allow him to lick it off. The oil made his fir sticky, and matted, and allowed for bacteria growth. These bacteria then infected his broken epidermis, preventing his already impossible self recovery.

I don’t get why some people can stand doing things like this. Do they have no heart? Would they do the same to human beings if they disliked them? Or do they think that they are so great that animals are inferior?

I’ve met an owner who told of his experience meeting such an idiot. The owner caught him kicking his dog out of the way, and when he asked why had the man kicked the dog, the man said:

“I don’t like dogs.”

Hearing this, the owner promptly slapped the guy in the face and said:

“I don’t like humans.”

Bravo.

Update

Wow. Nearly a month since I last updated. But I can’t help it! What with the house shifting, job hunting, convocation preparing and dive license taking, I barely have enough time to sleep.

(heh. Excuse. After all that still got time go FB everyday. Haha.)

Anyway. Convocation’s in two weeks (I think) and tomorrow I’m goin on a day trip to get my convo robe. Have to sleep on a bus for two days and straight to work after. ==ll

Before this I spent 3d3n on a live-on-board. Also not enough sleep, cuz we wanted to maximize dive time so had to wake up early and sleep late. Haha.

Then when finally got on dry ground, my body was so used to the rocking boat that I am still experiencing “mabuk darat”. ~(@.@)~

More on this trip later when I steal photos from the others who went with me and brought their own cameras. Going on this trip gave me another reason to step up on my terribly incompetent stamina level. But more on this later when I have the energy and more importantly, stolen photos to back up my stories. ^^

Recently...

Ah. It’s been more than a week since I last posted anything! God. Time flies, doesn’t it? Oh well.

I wanted to continue on my blog series but I think I’ll abandon that for now, cuz that’ll take WAY too much time, and I think I’m having writer’s block at the moment.

Not much is going on, besides that fact that I’ve convocation in two months, unable to find a job that will take me out of here and shifting house (yet again ==ll). Well at least I’ve managed to find a job to get by these first (not of many, I hope) few months.

Nothing is going according to plan, but that’s expected. If everything goes well for people like me then there would be no countless surveys asking wth m’sian grads are frequently unemployed.

Then there’s the thing with money. Even though we are fresh grads, even though we are jobless, and even though we do not have independent means of income, the stupid uni for god knows what reason keeps on badgering us for money.

We have to pay to graduate?? WTH?

Wasn’t the THREE YEARS of yuran we paid you enough???

When a letter bearing the uni’s official stamp was delivered I was like:

Yay, finally I get the itinerary to the upcoming convocation.

Then I spotted a red colored paper inside. I thought:

wow, so thoughtful. They even included an invitation card.

Then…

…

Turns out it was a note asking for our graduation fee.

My GOD. Use RED some more. You think you are loan shark meh??

Then few days later the second letter arrived, I thought: Oh, so got itinerary one lar?

To my dismay it was just my final semester transcript and…

…wait for it…

YET ANOTHER form asking for money, this time it was “optional”, asking if I would like my certificates laminated at 3x the market price.

I didn’t want to pay it.

Then my mom said,

never mind lar, let them laminate, then at least if they rosakkan your cert they will ganti.

==

Ceh. I don’t wanna stay here.

Role Models

I guess I never really thought of this but, who did I pick, consciously or subconsciously, as my role model?

What makes a role model? What makes someone choose a role model? Everyone’s role model is different. And when you look closely, those who chose the same role models almost always have the same personality. In short, birds of a same feather flocking together. Same species will seek out and idolize their own species. It’s as simple as that.

It is my theory that although you may not be anything alike with your role model, something latent in you tells your subconscious that you have a potential to grow into the shape of that person; and therefore unconsciously your role model is chosen for you because you have that hidden personality in you that you want to bring to the surface.

Ahh… I wanted to write about my various role models here but when I got started on the first one I couldn’t continue anymore. How I considered that person as a role model is much too personal to be blurting it out like this and I imagine the rest would be somewhat the same like this. So I guess I’ll settle with thanking silently all those that I considered to be my role models. They made me who I am today, well, bits and pieces of them anyway.

I didn’t want to spoil the mood in the beginning, but seeing that I’ve already spoiled the mood in the above paragraph, I just wanted to say.

OMG. I’ve abandoned this blog for THREE months!

Haha.

Peace out. ^^

Guard Dog, Wild Wolf

When one pictures nights when the full moon presents itself, more often than not they will immediately think of wolves howling away towards the heavens. So much, that sometimes one imagines the crying of the beasts even though there was not a sound to be heard.

Tonight was one such night. Somewhere, within the guarded premises of a human town. One canine perks his ears at a sound familiar to him, a long, long time ago. So long, that he imagined that he had forgotten how it had sounded like.

Howls, long and mournful, like a tribute to the ancestors of his kind; but somehow also deep and filled with pride, proud, to be born as one of the pack.

Pride, which he had thrown away ever since he left his freedom, bound by a human for reasons not even himself can comprehend.

As much as he missed his freedom, leaving the pack was something he had never regretted. In that past life of his he was already a lone wolf, living solitarily in the shadows of the pack; so when he decided to leave he did not have any family or friendship ties to break.

Back then, freedom was like air to him. Giving up his freedom for this human merely meant this human’s existence had replaced the importance of that in his life. Even now if he was to be separated for any period of time from his human, suffocation tormented him. Only by her side can he breathe and rest easy.

He sat up and stared at the moon, willing himself to remember how to howl again.

In the distance, the strong voice of the alpha of his former pack rang through the silence, informing the weaker packs of his existence. Challenging, even, any males who dared to take his place.

He let out a low whimper, as his howl got stuck in his throat.

Coughing, clearing his windpipe, he tried again.

This time, a clear, deep howl.

A warning, to his brother, to not lead the pack too near to the only thing he held dear.

A guard dog may not be able to win against a wild wolf, but that fact changes when one party has something he deems worthy to protect even at the cost of his life.

Internship: Day 15

So early in the morning today I went back to the KK Sports Complex for the finale(?) of the sports day event.

Monkey was there.

Since it was the last day the people manning the JCI booth suddenly appeared with busloads of free bags and gave us some, and mistaking the monkey for an intern of TGC, he got a bag also. Then they also gave me Rm 20 coupons to spend on whatever things that could be bought in the fair, but it so too much and I gave the monkey half.

Harvest of the day: Bread and multiple can drinks aside from the cap and drink already in the free bag. ^^

I interrupt this post for a shot of an eagle-head ray I found in the market the day before but was too malas to upload. LOOK! This is a type of ray!!! HAHAHAHA~

Anyway, back to TGC I had a really really late lunch. Starving tau I tell you. There were some visitors but due to the large number of staff at my usual designated post, I wasn’t needed. So I went pusing-pusing and ended up playing with the snakes.

After that pusing pusing lagi…. And closing time. Went to “Con’s food” for dinner to try the place out. Nice place, but not suited for everyday dining.

I’m gonna go for my second dip in the shark tank tomorrow. YAY ME!

Short, but photos make it better, kan?

Off Day + Internship: Day 14

Actually I don’t want to post anything on off days de, but the game I’m playing is loading sooo slowly (now 29%).

If you guys free play la. It’s training a duck to race punya game. Very cute!.

http://www.kongregate.com/games/sims5000/ducklife3-evolution

Didn’t do much today la. Play game nia. So yesterday I went to explore town lo. I took one of the intra city buses and went pusing-pusing. The bus driver also very nice, I sit behind him ma, then he tell me this place is where and that place is where.

Oh! My game load finish d! Suddenly very fast!

Okay. So yesterday I went out to navigate town, and the bus that I took only went like half of town so now I only know where are some of the shopping malls.

Lunch went to McD and eat, and honestly, I forgot it was Thursday “McD Coke Glass” Day. I went there saw the long queue, nearly wanted to go KFC makan since nobody there. Then I looked at the glass and thought, well, since I’m here, in town, on a Thursday, what the heck? So I ordered McD and got myself a glass. Teehee.

Actually also wanted to go to the central market but very malas la. The weather was so hot. Then when it cooled down it was time to go back d, sebab I takut jam.

Anyway balik, then decided to go swimming. I think my frog is getting better, but I tak cukup tenaga to maintain the free-style for more than 1 lap at a time. ==

Then at night boss took us to Damai food court to have dinner and listen to Prof Steve Oakley give a talk on “No sharks fin soup”: After that, went home, was so goddamn tired for god knows what reason, so slept early.

It’s almost 4. I can be rajin and go swim since the weather is great. Or I can be malas and go sleep. Or I can be both and sit on a chair read book.

Hmm… what should I do?

Okay. The above was typed yesterday. And today I really malas to take picture so these picture is expired d one ah. Tomorrow I’ll take something to post.

Since this post so long d, I malas want to add more la. Today morning, go market, then in the afternoon, went to a complex sukan where the sports ministry is having some sports day to jaga a “No Sharks Fin” booth.

End of story.

Sorry ha. Very malas hari ni. Want sleep d.

Internship: Day 13

Today there was a booking for 95 primary school students so I wasn’t needed to go to the market. And tomorrow is my off day so if I don’t update anything tomorrow and the day after, you know it’s because there’s nothing interesting. Planning to go round town esok, so see how la.

Anyway back to the 95 primary school students. There were 4 groups and they were horrible except for one under 6 years (I think) punya. They just made me reinforce my beliefs that I DO NOT like kids and I’m never gonna have them.

The other highlight of the day was I went in the SHARK TANK!!! YAY!!! There was a green turtle in the tank and when I came in WAP the feller gave me welcome bite. ==

So I was struggling to control my buoyancy and clean the glass at the same time until feeding time came. Then the other diver who came with me went up to get the fish and the fish la. Today I malas want to upload so later ha.

I think I should upload picture la. But later la. So now new resolution is to upload a picture with each blog. Anyway I WAS IN THE FEEDING SHOW WEH!!!!

The green turtle seems to love me cause when I tried to go out, it bit me again. And according to a staff, he was playing with the bubbles I blew out, something he never did with the other divers.

Haha.

Hoping that I won’t get lost masa merayau kk esok. ^^

Internship: Day 12

I didn’t go to the market yesterday but I did today. I think the more times I go the more depressed I become.

Do we really need all these fish?

The market had a lot of fish. Those mud crabs, that I was struggling for MONTHS at a time to collect samples back in Terengganu for my final year project, they were sold here, baskets at a time, all large, all alive and most of all ALL CHEAP.

1 kg went for rm16 –rm20 back in Terengganu, and 1 kg is maybe 3, 4 crabs? The guy here was calling out rm10 for maybe 10-13 crabs in a basket.

OMG.

Then there were the fishes, all so goddamn huge. I mean, these are KL restaureant sized fishes but here, imagine a tuna the 1 metre long. Or a grouper, the same size. I serious! Allt the fishes found here are monstrous! So big!!! And NORMAL people buy them!!!

Last but not least are the sharks I see everyday. Apparently they were caught right after they were born.

ARRGGGHH!!!!!!!!! This is depressing.

Anyway, back to work, the normal people weren’t there and since I did the feeding show twice. I think I’ve got a flow but I need to find a way to end it. the second time I thought I was pretty good. Hee. But none of the staff were watching, so I couldn’t be sure.

Another first today is that I led a Penang group on tour. I don’t know. They seemed okay at first, but after a while they started to be obnoxious. Kept asking, do you eat this, do you eat that? OOH I ate this!! OHH that’s delicious!!!

==ll

Haih. Because of them I was talking non-stop for like 2 and a half hours? I’ve never talked that long without stopping before. PLUS I was staining my voice so I seriously needed to drink something. I hope something got through to them though.

After that I was freaking tired and since the 4 o’clock show was brought forward for the Penang people, there wasn’t supposed to be another show. But a couple walked in and boss wanted a simple show for them. So I went and got ready but they never showed. The diver pun only put on a wet suit and some fish and fed them really really simply. Then left. So lucky la, today close early ^^

Then I reached home at 5. Wow. The weather is so nice! But tomorrow I am scheduled to go down the shark tank so YAY. There’s supposed to be a crowd in the morning so I guess the dive would be in the afternoon?

Looking forward to the dive ^^

Going to play pool/bowling now. Haha. Ciao!

Internship: Day 11

Today I didn’t end up going to the market as there were no transport, so I stayed behind to do the normal fish technician stuffs. Feed fish, chop fish, and today a NEW event: Check and clean filter pumps.

Being a large aquarium, these filter pumps are not your average aquarium pumps that aquarium hobbyists put in their living room. They used filter stones of different sizes to filter the water. And the filter stones used are coral rubble. ^^

Today was a slow. Slow. SLOW day. There were two entries in the morning and no one came in after 12. I was supposed to practice my feeding show presentation at the 4,00 show but since no one came so there was no show. I’m gonna do it tomorrow at 11.30, probably, if the person who does the show normally doesn’t come in. So yeah, kinda looking forward to that. ^^

Then… oh! I neglected to mention that a senior works here! He’s from the first batch of Marine Biology students! Haha. That’s all I can think of telling about him.

Em. Then because there was nobody in, work ended at 4.30 and I got home by 5. Then boss asked me to go swimming at 5.30. Actually I was really really malas to go, but boss ordered, so, haha.

She is a GREAT swimmer. Right now I’m trying to polish my frog and free style, and after that I’ll ask her to teach me the back stroke and butterfly. ^^ Then she did a really cool water treading style which had was REALLY hard although she tried explaining the theories to me.

So, conclusion, I’m gonna,try to go swiiming, to practice and to build up stamina. I’ve seen her go 20-30 laps around the pool, making it look so goddamn easy. Wow. Haha. I was already out of breath after half a lap. ==

So weekdays I’ll go swimming if I get off work early la. Here very nice, after 5pm there’s no sun and I can just swim until 7pm only it’ll get dark.

Internship: Day 10

As per usual, every morning for the next 6 weeks I need to be in the market every morning to see what kind of rays/sharks end up on the table. Today, there were SO many rays at the market today. They were all squished into big square containers. I estimate 60-70 rays of different species in the market this morning.

Which got me thinking. Do we need this much fish?

Its getting so sad to go to the market everyday. I mean, all those baby sharks and all those rays? How long can the wild population last like this? I mean, it’s hard to convince people to go vegan, I for one, can’t imagine life without meat. But the magic word of these human dominated times is “sustainable”.

So how do I go about telling them? The people I talk to are middlemen. The people who actually catch the fish are out of my reach. I’m already afraid of the fishmongers getting angry at my daily photo taking as it is. ==ll

Okay, so after the fish market survey there is the afternoon there is the feeding show that I was supposed to do. That guy really wore the Chinese kungfu costume. And…

Jeng jeng jeng…

Comments were: Very good, for a first attempt. Not loud enough.

Personally, I’m not really happy with myself. I went into the show with everything I wanted to say, with the flow with the fact with the everything. Then I started, the diver came out, the audience got distracted, and that threw off my flow. Then while I struggled to get that flow back, as my voice was barely loud enough for it to stretch way to the back, I was passed a mike.

Okay. Use the mike.

Then the thing died on me.

Tried getting it to work. In doing so, lost my flow.

The rest of the show was done looking at what fishes were visible and just blurting out all the facts.

Luckily I was able to find an opportunity to step down and bring a conclusion to the show. So it’s not THAT bad I guess.

I can do better. Haha.

Then in the evening there was this birthday party, so many little bothersome kurang ajar brats came up to site. And there were so many stupid kids running around unsupervised and grabbing everything the wrong way although I tried to tell them not to. ==

I hate kids.

I really do.

I had no idea what to do, talking to them was no point cause they was too excited to hear me; and anyways my first reaction was to just take a stick and bash them so I had my hands full trying to control myself. ==

That’s it for today. Gonna sleep now. ^^

Internship: Day 9

I actually didn’t wanna update today cuz damn tired d but I’ll give short-short one la. Very membazir, because actually today many interesting things happened, but I’m not gonna elaborate la.

Very basically and simply:

Morning go pasar, ada shark ada ray. Ada Scylla tranquebarica yang bigger than py monster last time.

Afternoon: make bet with staff. He wear like Ip Man tomorrow, then I’ll do one feeding show presentation for him. Clean aquarium tank, very high, very tiring.

Evening: Go watch movie and eat half price cake at hotel with another part-time staff. Handphone died. Charging now. Sleeping soon.

Sorry ha sangat short but I nak tidur sudah. Nite everybody.

Internship: Day 8

My Google chrome crashed today. I know, I know, this has nothing to do with my internship but I just want to type that. Geram! I was doing research ni!

Today’s market was unexciting, not much to see and not much that’s new. There’s even a stall that I suspect was selling leftover sharks from yesterday cuz that’s the only stall that had ys’s hammerhead sharks. There were plenty of small spotted rays on sale though, and I think the vendors are starting to recognize me. Hopefully they won’t get mad at me until I finish this project la.

Afternoon while no one was in, I figured out a new thing to do to pass the time. I go to the shark tank, stand in front of it, and mentally recite what I would say if I were to give a show on shark feeding. I mean, I’ve memorized all the facts the others give but it’s just a matter of how and when I present those facts. Still working on that, cuz before I get a chance to complete the mental presentation, someone walks in and interrupts me. ==

Erm. I did a fish dissection today. Nothing much, just that the gills are brown instead of red. But not sure if that’s the cause of death cuz the fish was frozen and defrosted prior to dissection. There was a school group today but I wasn’t in charge so I kept out of the way. Well honestly I did try to lead them but… the group did not pay any attention to me so I gave up.

Maybe the highlight of the day is that there is this really funny song. In Chinese is “后来” dunno who sing. But if you know the song, imagine sung in Malay, and the lyrics are talking about geckos. Seriously damn funny. ^^

What else ah. Nothing la. Cannot remember d. I’ll try to write a daily post la. If too short I decide to write something about the place instead of my intern work time. E.g. the staff, the fish, etc.

Okay la. Remember oh ppl, if nampak my msn available can disturb me.

Remember ah.

LOL.

Internship: Day 7

The highlight of today is the trip to the market. There were hammerhead sharks in today!

Oh yea. I’m not supposed to be so happy about this so yeah. There were the usual black tips and also a some lemon sharks, all with their fins cut off. It’s just so sad la.

Also outside the market there were 7 huge 20kilo manta rays going for… RM1 per kilo! So cheap! They were all sunbathing on the floor, dead, bloody.

And yet again,today was a really really slow day. Nothing much happening. We even closed up early today, 4.30om. Ah… so boring. I can’t even dive until she-boss gives the okay. ==

What else ah… nothing lo. I’m losing interest in updating this d la. Nmaybe I’ll kumpul kumpul everything and write it at the end of the month la.

Internship: Day 6

Okay. Today, summing it up in one word, was BORING. Not many people came, and half of which was unappreciative of what I’m trying to tell them. Most of the employees are off today, and the place was deserted and empty. It was so boring that I nodded off once or twice in the late afternoon.

But that left the whole place really empty, and I was able to go to the Shark Tank and stand there to see how it feels like. It’s like, wow. I can’t imagine talking there to a crowd of people. But that’s not to sat I can’t. Maybe I’m just not used to the place. Cuz last time back in uni all presentations were carried out with some kind of table, rostrum, etc. This? This is one big open space in front of a see through glass.

Standing there I think I can handle the factual stuff, just the presentation. That, I know I will get better through practice. However I hope I can be the one behind the glass, diving and feeding, and not the presenter, haha.

Okay. That was the afternoon part. Finally today morning I went to the market. Only one fishing vessel came in today so there was not many fish and therefore demand is high for low supply and so prices were skyrocketing.

Wait. That wasn’t what I went there to do. I went there to survey the fisheries. Oh My God the tuna there was SO big. Then there were some stalls selling barracudas!!!

I was there to see what species of sharks and rays were caught and ended up on the table. Sharks were hard to identify as all the fins were chopped off, and without fins it’s a lot harder to identify the shark. So I took some pictures to see if I can compared them to an ID book I have later.

Rays were even worse, none of the rays on the table was whole. They were all chopped into little tiny pieces and placed on plates for sale. I took pictures of those as well, but I didn’t realize I needed to photograph the patterns behind them so the pictures are actually virtually useless.

This much said, I now know how to take better and more proper pictures so I’ll put that to practice tomorrow. Part of my internship is to visit this market every morning to monitor the volume of shark and ray landings. Different from Terengganu, this place does not have turtle eggs. It seems the locals do not eat those, preferring shark fins and ray meat.

Could the reason behind this difference be the population ethnicity?

Oh yeah. It was a slow day, so we closed at 4.30pm. Right after we declared closing, a wedding photographer came with a couple to take wedding pictures.

The bride had to be wearing 3 inch stilettos!!

Aiya. Kalau I pakai tu, belum jalan pun sudah jatuh.

This couple not nice to look at. The one back at the apartment is better entertainment. Hahaha…

Aiyo. This blog cannot let them discover weh… I’m gonna remove my facebook link to my blog now since ada staff yang nak add me.

^^

Internship: Day 5

Okay, so today, before I do anything else, I’m gonna start on this. The pasar trip didn’t come to realization cuz there were not enough space in the transport. Then she-boss said to go tomorrow, so I got assigned to wash a really dirty tank. Halfway through she came and said, ok, I’ve found transport, let’s go! But since I tengah wash tank tu, jadi tak jadi pergi lah.

So then she asked to meet her at the swimming pool back at the apartment for swimming lesson. Apparently my breathstroke and freestyle punya coordination is all wrong and she corrected me on that. Then suddenly I got myself a swimming session every week Tuesday. Haha.

Rushing back to The Green Connection for the afternoon feeding, so kesian, the animals kena go hungry one hour because of that, I don’t know if it’s my way of feeding, or the volume I’m feeding, the animals in the turtle rescue tank started to fight over the food. Especially 52(the name of the biggest hawksbill turtle) started bullying the other two smaller hawksbill and the bamboo sharks in the exhibit for the fish. Or maybe they were too hungry.

On a separate note: Garu seems to be quite used to me as well. Today he kept following me around, although I was rounding the exhibits. So cute!

Also today boss took us to dinner. Wao. 4 persons, 5 dishes. Inclusive of prawns and sotong. The supreme pork chop is REALLY good. If ada chance bawak ppl go eat there. Remember I say boss and gf very sweet? Now I think they two very also cute together la. They oh, keep trying to ask me drink beer only. Bad influence. Haha.

Em. So that’s all the report I can think off for today. Well then.

Off to the pasar tmr!!

Internship: Day 4

Ah. What should I say today? Normally my posts are typed more or less right after I return from work but today for some reason I was really tired (although today was no different from the days before) and had a nap RIGHT after I returned home.

More like flopped onto the bed and fell immediately asleep. LOL

Erm. So this morning one thing interesting was I saw Garu, a male black cat, VERY beautiful, VERY manja, VERY cute go look at a hamster tunnel exhibit. He just planted his butt there and stared and the hamsters running around through the glass, occasionally pawing it.

The rest of the day, I hung out at the “Touch and Feel” section. That place seems like the main place I can be found at the moment cause there’s nothing for me to do anywhere else. Sometimes, when I feel bored and extra hardworking, I’ll walk down to the turtle exhibit and look for people. Failing to find people I’ll just hang out with the staff manning the snake exhibit. And play with snakes. shhh… don’t tell my boss(es). haha.

I was told today that I would have extra assignments to do: one, to make a poster about the biology of sharks and two, I’m no longer gonna do any morning feeding cause I’ll need to go to the local market and get information on the local fisheries, which, at the end of the internship I have to write up a report.

Guess I’ll have something to write about tomorrow. Day at the market! haha.

I need to learn how to let go and enjoy myself more.

I also need to research on that feeding show in case they suddenly spring it on me. But the way I see it, I’m the fifth in line so unless they really want me to do that show, there’s not much chance of me doing it. BUT, everyone other than my boss seems to really want me to start trying… hmm.

Aiya. My posts getting shorter and shorter hor? Come la come la. Anything you all want to ask just ask la... XD

Internship: Day 3

Wao. I memang teramat sangat semangat ni! I suppose it’s cause it’s the first week, and many new stuff are happening, so many there’re many stuff to write about also. Hmmm…

I wonder if I can just continue writing a post a say like this then at the end of the internship just copy paste into the internship report that I’m supposed to be writing?

Anyway as I said yesterday there was a large group of locals coming today with the main aim of joining the coral replantation program they have here.

Tomorrow they’re gonna shift those artificial coral blocks back to the sea, but since I’m needed here for more briefing, I don’t get to go! Ahhhh~ I wanna go dive and replant coral also~~

Anyway. Today was the first day I’m working with nice-boss. I clocked in half an hour earlier today cause he needed to arrive early and break corals for the huge coral replanting group that were expected to arrive later in the afternoon. Scary-boss is still scary, and I didn’t see him often today, but when I did, he was talking to other people and his tone was somewhat the friendly type.

I forgot what I was doing in the first half of the day, probably walking around looking for visitors or manning the “Touch and Feel” section. Then came the major assignment of the day, manning the turtle exhibit. It was abit hard cuz the people who came where of mixed races, and I had to use BM most of the time. My spoken BM being of a limited vocabulary, I ran out of things to say pretty quickly. But that was okay, cause the three groups of people were more concerned in finding sharks to look at than looking at the three very cute hawksbills that were under my care at that moment. So I pretty much ended up explaining the supporting creatures in the tank: fish and lizard shark, just cause they were more visible to the visitors than the turtles are, and they tend to look at moving things.

They are more interesting than boring turtles eating sand. ==ll

Anyway, to people who DID listen, I was talking more on turtle biology: what they eat, where they live, how many types etc.

I still find I work better with small groups of people. Like <6? But no more than 10.

Today’s fish feeding show was a bit more unique as she-boss was doing an extra on fish bombing and coral protection so ada special sikit lah. I really like listening to her talk lar, the accent is very nice to hear.

Then today nice-boss and gf bawak go dinner again. aiyo, I also like tengok-ing they two together la. so sweet! haha. very nice people. nice-boss also has a lot of wisdom words as well.

Sometimes working with these people I get a bit stressed while talking to them, cause I’m not confident that I can deliver what they are expecting of me. or at the very least, what I think they are expecting of me cuz I don’t know what they are expecting actually. but I’m sure it’s more than what I am showing them now.

But okay, I’ll work on it. very hard. XD

Internship: Day 2

Aiya, dunno if for the next two months I will be so rajin or not everyday tulis satu post. Anyway. Today was fun, in a word. A bit more traffic since it was Saturday. Gonna be a huge crowd tmr but more on that later.

so I walked to work, took around 15mins but if I wanna take my time n enjoy then 20-25 mins earlier I need to leave la. Arrive d, start feeding the fish. Pellet throw here throw there nia, very boring. Then cut real fish for afternoon feeding. The fish all beku, very hard to take out. Cannot sekaligus dissolve all the ice also, cause nanti too soft also very hard to chop. Haih.

After that cuci aquarium se lo. The fish department ppl loghat Sabah VERY heavy, at first very hard to understand them but after a while okay d (I think) or else I’ll show blur face and they will laugh and repeat. Haha.

Then for the most part of the day I was assigned to take care of the “Touch and Feel” exhibit. I kept on reciting the same thing again and again to different people, some who appreciated it and some who don’t. for those who appreciated it then okay la, those who don’t will look at their watch, look at their wife, look at their kids, look and the entrance, and then when they look back at me their face will have the “can you stop talking to me” look. If got people like that then I cepat-cepat habiskan whatever I’m saying and don’t peduli them d lo.

The people I work with all very nice la, just the 3 orang putih bosses ada problem sikit. One haven’t work with him yet but he seems okay, One very scary until nak greet him pun kena think tiga kali, one never see her cause she in charge of paper work, but I like the way she talk, ada unsur-unsur sarcasm. But she’s really serious and work oriented so I can’t have a normal conversation with her. But since they are higher ups then I dowan to layan them so much la. Not that they are around often enough for me to layan also. ==ll

Okay, back to the huge >100 people crowd tomorrow. They’ll be coming in 4 groups, and I’m supposed to tell them about turtles and conservation. Reminder to self: Read up on turtle biology and conservation. I hope I don’t end up being a promoter for SEATRU, since I’m gonna wear the shirt and all. Actually I nak wear the TCC shirt de, but I’m not in charge of the terrapin section so whatever la. But maybe I should read up on terrapins, too. Just in case.

One thing I’ve learnt here is, if I wanna continue working in this line of employment, I have to read. And read, and read and read. So yeah. XD

So I’ll start with: Turtles.

For tomorrow.

^^

Internship: Day 1

I interrupt the previous series to start on this one: my internship in The Green Connection, KK.

Okay. Day 0 was okay; my boss picked me up and sent me to a fellow staff’s apartment where I would be staying for the next two months. Got settled in, all was great.

Then came Day 1. So boss picked me up for work, one time only offer, I get to walk ten minutes to work from here end on, but never mind. Showed up for work, had the grand tour of the place, got handed over to lots and lots of different staff, all telling me what THEIR department and they are responsible to do, ALL different. Got blur.

Officially I’m in the FISH department. Unofficially and realistically, I’m gonna touch on everything else. I don’t mind, but I would like it very much to have a timetable or a job scope of such. I answer to so many people I don’t know who to prioritize cause this is not in a hierarchy level kinda organization. All my bosses at the moment are heads of their own department and the head of all these heads is a money-throwing organization whose butt sits in a grand chair in an air-conditioned room and whose face(s) and name(s) I will never get to see in my two months here.

Anyway my first assignment was to get to know all the workers there including admin and cleaners and security guard and etc. I have yet to know if I pass the assignment as judgment shall be passed tomorrow at work.

And um. I’ll say this for those who understand the feeling. Over protectiveness will make people feel unnecessary awkwardness. If anyone is interested in the story then I might consider writing it, but right now I’m too tired to go into detail.

On a different note:

I might get to SCUBA dive! Feed sharks! Plant coral! YAY!

Depending on circumstances, though.

Presently walking in the past: Prologue

As I sort out all my things that I left lying around, physically and electronically, I realized how many things happened in the three years I have been here.

Three years ago I initially threw away my appeal plan because I was offered a course for three years. Had I appealed and won, I would have gone to another place for five years.

Looking back on how much fun I had in these three years, made me wonder, for an instant, whether I should have appealed for that five year course. If I did, then I wouldn’t have to taste the numbing ache of separation so soon.

I would have another two years to be with my friends.

But then again, if I HAD won that appeal and left for that five year course, I wouldn’t have met the bunch I’m with right now. Chances were I could have suffered for five years as a loner as I always had been, instead of gradually coming out of my shell during these three years alongside influence of the friends I made here.

The friends I’ve made here won’t be there.

Of course I have no basis to whether my life would be better or worse had I transferred, but know this, had I the chance to rewind and redo everything over, well I won’t lie, there ARE a great many things I would like to do differently, but I wouldn’t have considered appealing to transfer away from you guys.

Had I made that decision, I would never have gotten to know all of the people I have gotten to know. Sure, as with any community you exist in, there are people I like, people I didn’t like so much, and people I plain just didn’t care about.

For the people in the first two categories: Hey. I am really grateful that I got to know you guys. ^^

Like I said, many things happened through the years, and many changes happened to. Also, while I AM still the person my pre-u friends knew, at the same time, I’m not.

I think these three years of human interaction and events have made a difference to who I am and how I act.

I’ve changed. In some ways for the better, I hope.

But I’m not gonna deny that there are parts that became worse.

I’m still me.

But I wonder what I would mutate into in the next two months. ^^

Following this post would be a walk down memory lane through these three wonderful years. I just hope I remember every detail that mattered to me.

幼稚?成熟?

也许你觉得我现在很幼稚，谁的话都不肯听。特别是你用心良苦，以自以为是很成熟的脑袋所想出来非常有道理的话和想法。

那么我也想问你，你；自认是个很成熟的你；如果你连一个幼稚的人的想法都不肯耐心的去听，去了解；那么你又跟那个你认为那个幼稚无知 的人有什么分别呢？

是，你绝对有权利发表你的意见。不过，当别人用理去推翻你的想法过后，就请你用你那个非常非常非常成熟的脑袋去提出另一个辩论吧。

因为当你一直不服输地去重复同一个句子的时候，是很烦，并且很令人讨厌的。

我想再问一次，这个时候；你这个非常成熟的人有跟很幼稚的人有什么分别？

我承认我不是很成熟，不过我觉得我不会幼稚过你吧。至少当成熟的你一直在发表同一个意见的时候；我回你的每一句都是带有道理的，却又是不同的。

当然我也承认我的道理可能不是像酱成熟的你能够领悟的。但至少我不会像个白痴似的，一直都只会重复同一句话。

再来说，成熟又有什么好？

成熟，天天都要烦这烦那。

幼稚，都把明天的烦恼等到后天才舍得担心。

成熟，不但不能太自私地一直照顾自己；而且连身边喜欢的，讨厌的，阿猪阿狗阿羊阿牛也要理。

幼稚，为自己活就好啊！喜欢的话把整颗心拿去付出。讨厌的话就完全不理也不用内疚。自己开心就好啊，干嘛要去亏待自己，让自己难受？

是，每个孩子都会希望能快点长大。不过，你又看到那一位成人是完全没有回想过童年时无忧无虑的时光吗？

也许我写的东西你根本都不会认同，甚至明白；因为毕竟你是太成熟了。

你开心就好。

而我，我也自己开心就好了。

I hate (certain) human beings ==ll

Sometimes it’s not that I don’t want to keep up with the latest news, however in local papers ALL they bloody talk about is politics and show off their brainless-ness. I mean. How stupid can you get? I can’t imagine how some people can be so goddamn moronic and say something totally stupid and still think that they are saying something intelligent enough to mask their ALREADY VERY apparent idiocy.

I can’t read local news without getting pissed off at the people sitting in high places.

Am I to blame for being too liberal and open-minded, or are they just plain stupid?

Okay, condemn people who are different from you. For all I care it IS your right. But please don’t’ try to FORCE others to condemn them as well. That’s certainly out of anyone’s jurisdiction.

We can like whatever we like, whenever we like, and whenever we like.

It’s our freedom.

But then again, to you guys, freedom doesn’t mean anything. Does it? Here, everything has limits. And that applies to freedom as well.

WTH. Freedom is the ONE thing you can’t put a limit on. Or else it’s not bloody hell called freedom! It’s like saying “hey, I’m giving this to you for FREE! You are FREE to do whatever you want with it! But?? Jeng jeng jeng… you have to pay me something, and you can’t use it for blah blah purposes.”

Hell that’s a goddamn rule. RULE!

I don’t care what you think. I don’t care where this godforsaken piece of land is heading. I’m totally in favor of some natural disaster wiping the ENTIRE human race out. Leave NO survivors. But if the end of the world doesn’t come, I still want out. What? Did you think I appreciate being here so much that I would tolerate being called an outsider although I am not? Damn you. I’d rather be rightfully called an outsider some in some other place.

What I would just LOVE to see is this land being filled with ONLY people like you. Then I want to see how long it lasts. I want to see the internal disaster that will most certainly rain on you brainless idiots.

I want out.

What is "home"? Where do YOU find it?

One of my friends was remarking to me that he wouldn't , in any way in the world spend an extra unnecessary second in campus, preferring rather to return home and do god knows what. This got me thinking about how I enjoyed doing exactly the opposite.

Sure, your own room might be great, but when you have a roommate that you do not wish to disturb or just want to do something you don’t want anyone else around to bear witness to; or that the said room is terribly, terribly small; this could pose a problem.

For me, it’s limiting my privacy. My space. My freedom.

Freedom, to me, is like air.

Staying at campus is not all that bad, considering you get to do everything you can in your own room. Plus the electricity is FREE to boot, and especially if you find a large area with an air conditioner.

Now, tell me how does the above scenario appear in any way inferior as opposed to your own room?

It’s public, yes. But you can always walk away to find some place that are less occupied by humans. Or, if there WERE humans, they are most likely to be strangers so there are no worries (on my part) about disturbing them. I mean, it’s public! Everyone has a right to this place, so as long as you do not go around making any other person feel like killing you, you’re good to go. Loud music? Use your goddamn earphones.

Come to think of it, school would be a better place for me to call home. Sure, home gives you comfort, but true privacy and freedom you can ironically only find on public grounds. Ever since primary school, I spent most of my waking hours at school. I’d wake up at 5am and stay at school, then return home at 7pm for dinner, a bath, and sleep. Same goes to secondary school where I’d go early around 6am and stay back until 6pm, regardless of the session I was in.

Hm. No wonder I’m not attached to home. I was never in it long enough. Haha.

However this changed drastically when I went to pre-U education. I couldn't bear the thought of staying in that place. I’d go late and do all in my power to escape early. I’d fake illness just to avoid going there (something I have never, ever done before this). I suppose its not fair to the school or its students, cause I never really did give the school, or myself a chance to accept the reality that I thought was hell for that 1.5 years. But it didn't help that the teachers were limiting my freedom so much that I was suffocating.

Quite literarily from the moment I stepped onto school grounds, I would have difficulty breathing. The atmosphere there to me was so heavy and dense that I really felt my soul leaving me every time I entered the place. Only hours after I left that compound, safely in my room, that I would feel my soul reluctantly returning, and I could breathe normally again.

It was only during these times that I felt home was truly home.

I never had this problem anywhere else. Including here. Going to these places were like a wave of fresh air, a limitless space where my wings can spread.

Maybe the true problem was space. My primary and secondary school had a big compound, and a field that I was , and still am, greatly proud of. It’s not to say that I was the kind of person to go running ON the fields, but I liked to see that space before me.

That place however, was small. The field belonged to the neighboring school and I could only look at it behind bars. On top of that I was confined by the rigid laws and teachers of the school. My wings were clipped. It hurt.

And now that they have finally healed, I am never letting anyone else destroy them again.

If and when I see fit, I will give them away myself.

But until then, they will remain mine.