Friday, December 25, 2009

Still waiting reeeeeaally anxiously...

... although i KNOW it's not wise to do so. ppl can just blow you off at anytime if you are sitting on too high a perch. and my hopes are hanging so goddamn dangerously high up.

its gonna hurt when i fall off. (like i did earlier this week)

but like the stubborn person that i am i refused to learn from the lesson and kept climbing.

gah! i keep on telling myself not to hope so much but it keeps on climbing!! i dowan to fall from there~!

==ll in the end there's nothing i can do but to keep on waiting... (and hope that my hope doesnt go any higher than this...)
gah~ the days seem so long...

Wednesday, December 16, 2009




ask me later next week.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Leonardo the Genius

I really dont like calling this guy da Vinci cuz that part is basically "of Vinci". It's not really his family name.

but the whole world knows him as and likes to call him da Vinci so whatever la. who am I to say anything right?

Just a short post (seeing that my blog has been abandoned for as long as i came back)


it's totally worth your money plus with the >promotion< on you can get tickets BUY 1 FREE 1!!!

merchandise a bit pricey though. the T-shirts were nice material and design and all but it was at a whooping RM30~ i'm a poor poor student... sponsor me? anyways i got myself a poster of "The Last Supper"

ahahhahahahaha~ *bliss* XD

Anyway a sneak preview of the exhibit. will post the rest on FB later. These are taken from the official blogs. XD

virus we found your twin!!!!!

Sunday, November 15, 2009


ok done.

huh? what?! *stares at checklist in disbelief*

i'm really done?

*double checks, triple checks...and checks again*





*continues like a mad person*

I'm sorry I totally abandoned you lately,
yet you stay so loyally by my side without a sound,
in the silence you watched over me,
yet in my state of mind i felt you were mocking me;
i'm sorry.
for the days that i have ignored you,
now i will make it up by your side this night.




or so i would like to say to my dear, dear bed.

however for some stupid reason there was a power shortage at my house while i was still finishing up this bloody report.

so i cant go sleep in my bed even if i wanted to.

Luckily the autosave rescued my document. well, part of it anyway.

and of ALL houses it has to hit MY house. my neighbors all have power. Damn.

so i took refuge in my friend's house.

another reason why i can't say the above verse to my bed is because...

its morning.

ah whatever. felt like posting status message on fb saying that i'm done but decided to blog instead.

to prove how free i finally am now.


forgive me. i have not eaten or drank in the past 26 hours and have not slept for twice as long.

so its just very normal to have screws loose in the brain.

felt like killing people the moment my comp died too (no battery attached). ah well its over.

and oh, people with freedom?

i dont hate you peeps anymore!


think i'll post something on fb anyway. ^^

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Freedom? What FREEDOM?!!

damn. everywhere i go i see people posting up stuff about THEIR merdeka day.

my last paper ended yesterday morning. earlier than some of you people! HAH!

but still not free. the chains of responsibility is tying me down till 15th of nov: a report i'm frantically trying to catch up on after abandoning it for ... what, a month? two??

anyway. that's all. shouldn't even be here. should, no MUST catch up on the goddamn report. no sleep tonight either.

you guys who got freedom,

i hate you.

at least til i pass up my report and my own freedom comes to me.

then i'll like you all again.


Monday, November 09, 2009

A Tale of the ... I dunno what to call it anymore.

One day A woke up and found B suddenly standing outside the door.

B: Can you take me to X (A place quite far away)?
A: Why?
B: (pitiful face and red eyes) I need to buy something for someone back home.
A: What do you need to buy that is so urgent and important?
B: I'll pay you back the fare.
A: Must we go today?
B: Yes, since you're busy later.

A thinks: Okay la, since it's so important.

In car:
A: What is so important you have to buy today?
B: E (common thing that can be found EVERYWHERE)

A thinks: WTF?! B's hometown also have this thing what?! Why need to buy here??!!

but said nothing.

~ the end~

aiy the impact doesn't sound so good after editing...

Saturday, November 07, 2009

I suddenly realised...

...i've never visited any of my previous schools ever since i left them.

sure, the main reason is that both of them are in a different area, different state, even, from my house.

i've never stayed in a house the same area as the school i'm going to, so needless to say my schoolmates were never my neighbors.

i've never even been to a classmate's house until f5. haha, sad, aint it. it's always somewhere outside so that we can meet up at a "titik persilangan" so that both of us don't have to travel so far. (student ma, no driving license)

maybe this atributes to why i'm awkward about going into ppl's houses? i never know what to do then. especially houses of people i know. (if dunno the people living in a house you're visiting e.g. father's business client just smile and look interested while pretending to be busy with something e.g. phone. XD)

was going through the photos posted on the group site of my primary and secondary school. dang my primary school has changed, a LOT. the field i used to be crazy in is still there tho. but the places i spent the most of my time in are... gone. in their place are freakishly new buildings that, i guess, are the pride and joy of everyone there, especially the new students.

but to me, 南强 isn't real anymore.

I used to love its antiquity, the peaceful countryside scene in the middle of the busy car-ridden concrete forest, like some sort of timeless piece undisturbed in the modern era.

of course i knew that it would change after i left. they always do. already they were in the final stages of collecting donations for a new school hall.

I did return a few years back with my mom, as she needed to find a colleague.

It changed.

far more than i expected it to.

to me, now it has lost its sense of uniqueness and blended in with the modern world. it is now the same as any other school.

南强 had few tables, and the some of the stone stools used to have cracks in them but i never said anything. if anything i thought the cracks were marks or the school's history and shouldn't be touched.

I hated a school i went to. so much that i made a fuss about everything. the teachers, the students, the rules, the facilities, EVERYTHING.

i must have been an idiot and a nuisance to my classmates, many of whom, no doubt loved their mother school as much as i loved mine.

i regret my behaviour. had i stopped being so selfish, i might have noticed good points about that school. but honestly i still resent being sent there.

It's true then, when you love something even its flaws are perfect. If you hate something even its perfection is flawed.

Anyway, the cracked stools, they're gone now. replaced by new ones.

one by one my memories of that place is disappearing. soon, it would be a totally new existence that i don't have anything in common with.

would Assunta be like that after another 10 years? remodelled into a face i do not know? Assuntarians of ten years ago has surely felt what i'm feeling now as Assunta of ten years ago is also very different from the Assunta it is now.

Will you do that to me too, Assunta? will you change again so much that my memories held by you are destroyed? Will I be the only one who will remember what happened?

I'm not opposed to change. change makes us grow, for better or worse, but it makes us grow nontheless.

However i will never say i like it. Adapting to change is difficult, especially if its a bad one. Change destroys everything you have and forces you to start anew.

Change, makes reality a memory.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Randomness of the Day~

i'm supposed to be studying icthyology.

i'm supposed to be rushing a report.

i'm supposed to be more serious in attempting to do the two things stated above.

i'm NOT supposed to be doing anything else that distracts me (like blogging)


quitting is such an easy path. now i see why many do so...

Sunday, November 01, 2009

In the exam hall... (ep. 2)

... there were a total of 6 different papers for different courses.

among them was English for Special Purposes (required subject for those who scored below band 1-2 in MUET). i was taking another totally unrelated exam subject.

point is, there where students from China taking the paper so obviously they do not know bahasa melayu.

so the chief examiner tried his very best to translate the "opening exam speech" in english as per bm as it was supposed to be.

it went ok until the fourth and last part where it was about students needing to obey the university act for not cheating in exams.

the chief examiner went along something like this:

"since the act is not written in english, if the chinese (refering to students from China) do not understand, just raise your hands and we will get someone to explain in malay."



hello? if they understood malay they do not need you guys to explain right?

*at the end of the exam*

in his pitiful attempt to translate the "ending exam speech" he (or someone) actually translated the normal bm version word by word and was reading from the translation.

"students are required to stay put until hall monitors come and collect their papers. they are..."

Hall monitor: A student volunteer in schools who is charged with maintaining order in the school's corridors.

hello la. translate directly also do it with class abit can or not?

examiner, uncle. examiner.

this is damn random. i know.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

In the exam hall...

...a phone rang.

i thought it was someone behind me, for THREE reasons:

1) my phone was already on silent.
2) my phone doesn't have chinese songs so even if i forgot my current ringtone impossible the phone is mine.
3) the sound was soft. at first.


the ringtone rang louder.

i thought "which idiot punya phone was that"

unknown to me people behind me were snickering. i was very diligently looking at my exam questions. (the exam starts in 5 minutes)

then the ringtone rang louder and louder and louder.




i realised the sound was coming from my jacket's pocket.


*flashback to this morning*


RM: wei today want to see lecturer you got bring your phone or not?
HM: bring your phone i dowan to bring my phone to exam.
RM: take your phone i dont have the lecturer's number. i also dowan to take i no pocket to put. i want to be able to call the lecturer to make sure he's there. later we go and he's not there wasting my precious time.
HM: my phone no credit.
RM: *sighing, checks phone* give me the number. i dun have.
HM: *recites number from memory*

RM: *passes phone to me* nah you take since you have pockets. later after exam pass back to me.
me: set silent mode already?
RM: yeah.
me: sure?

5 minutes before exam starts...

*flashback ends*

i thought i TOLD her to set it on SILENT??!! how come the alarm still can ring??!!!!!!

her phones make was a sony ericsson model. one of the brands i'm worst with due to the totally different key functions with nokia.

normally people can effectively shut off the phone in seconds.

i fidgeted with the stupid gadget for a full minute before managing to switch it off. WHILE the alarm was ringing.

double =_=ll

some random examiner that has been standing behind since god knows when: ei. tutup handphone.


THIS is what i get for helping people out???????!!!!!!

should i blame myself for not further asking whether the phone will make other noises?

or RM for not remembering an alarm was set?

or HM for not bringing her OWN phone??!!

ei go die la wei.

so memalukan. for EVERY exam i had brought my phone with me and this had never happened!

crap la.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Tale of a Godforsaken Eagle

Once, a soul-less eagle egg laid in a crevice.

unmoving, unknowing, uncaring. not feeling anything.

he did not care for the joy and the pain experienced by the other eggs above him. anything but himself was not his business.

he laid there through the heat and the cold, the sun and the rain, living entirely in his own world.

once day, he was noticed. someone picked him up and put him in a nearby swan's nest, assuming he had fell from there.

he laid in the nest with the other swan eggs, thinking, they are different. he was different. there was no way they could live together. and so he rejected them.

one by one the baby swans hatched and left. only he refused to hatch, always wishing the mother swan would just get up and be with her real offspring and leave him alone.

but the mother swan did not give up. she sat there, patiently, waiting for him to emerge from his shell.

everyday, she would encourage him.

every night, she would lull him to sleep.

days passed and the eaglet got used to the swan's company. it decided to finally emerge from its shell.

the swan took great care of the eaglet as he grew, guiding him, protecting him. although he treated the swan indifferently at first, as time passed the eaglet grew much more closer to the swan than he'd expected.

he came to see the swan as his god, one who gave him life, one who created him. any wish of hers was his command, and any request she had he had not the heart to deny. he would protect the swan from any danger with all his might.

such was his devotion to his god.

life went on. however all of a sudden the swan started to avoid the eagle. it came to the point where she treated him as a stranger in her life.

one day, the swan left the grassland where they had lived all this time and joined a neighboring flock of swans without any notice to the eagle.

the eagle broke. god had created him. now god had forsaken him.

But try as he might, he would not forget his god. so great was his devotion that he would follow the words of the god that had forsaken him no matter how it hurt.

Those whom he had acknowledged were precious few, after all.

And the swan was the one he had gotten the closest to.

God, if you were going to forsake me,
why did you create me in the first place?
I was perfectly happy not knowing joy.
not knowing pain.
not knowing anything.
Just living the way i was.
Now god, if you forsake me from Heaven where i can never reach;
then forgive me as i follow Lucifer to Hell where i truly belong.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Life as it is now

Student's life consist of 5 major components:



Sunday, October 11, 2009


there exist two different types of beings in this world we live in.

the demon, a being who cares for no one and nothing but itself, and

the angel, the other who cares puts others' wellbeing before itself.

those who exist between these two extremes, living between a mixture of these two cares, are called humans.

spreading its wings the demon can fly to the limits of the human sky, but it will never be able to reach heaven.

by itself, the angel's wings can carry it to heaven where it belongs, but it tries to care and ends up carrying too many people to be able to make it past the human sky.

the demon can enter hell any time with any amount of humans. After all it is far easier to drag everything down than to lift anything up.

the demon watches as the angel strains itself at the impossible task of carrying everyone to heaven.

"you care too much," it says to the angel, "let go of some and you will be able to enter heaven once more. the sins of those whom you carry are too heavy for you to bear."

"i can't. those who i leave behind will be upset." the angel replies, "i don't want to upset people i care about."

"i'll say this again. you care too much. some people do not deserve your kindness. until you learn to let go, you will never reach heaven with your wings."

and the angel continues its futile struggle to save everyone it cares about as the demon watches.

if he had the angel's wings, he would have entered heaven without caring. but then again, he wasn't an angel to begin with. he can never be an angel.

but in reality, the demon is envious of the angel. envious of its capability and will power to care of others beyond its means and never falling to the demon's temptation to forsake those whom it carries.

remaining an angel.

while the demon loses itself to humanity.

and therefore effectively losing his very existence.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

I suddenly realised...

...if i can make a smooth but albeit not too perfect U-turn using three different manual cars,

why the heck when i'm driving my mom's auto Gen 2 my U-turns are horribly unstable??

in a little more than a month i'll be back.

and I swear to heaven and hell I'll get you to perform perfect U-turns for me.

just you wait!


Friday, October 02, 2009


Tell me,

Why do I even bother to put on a mask?

A façade to deceive people around me?

People who I ACTUALLY trust and care about?

I was told that it was because we had hearts.

I did not have one before this.

Even if I did it lay dormant and forgotten.

But being with people like you made me human.

Being with people like you made me have a conscience.

Is this a good thing?

Its good that I care more about people I trust now.

But I am fake towards those I dislike.

This is not good.

As least, when I wasn’t human

Everyone was equal.

I showed my dislike whenever I wanted and my trust whenever I willed.

I was true to what I feel.

Even if whatever I felt then was limited.

Thursday, October 01, 2009


There's a saying in chinese about a person having no manners (没家教). i generally do not like calling anyone by that name.


this saying implies that a person having no manners is of no fault of his own but of his parents'.

eh Hello.

yes i do know some parents are to blame for neglecting their kids. but then your life is yours. how you decide to live is your decision. and therefore, all faults are also yours. no matter what kind of stupid excuse you make to push to other people.

because, no matter how credible and true that stupid excuse is, you can ALWAYS find a way to reject that excuse and put the blame on yourself.

so this is also why we shouldn't blame our parents for the our own bloody lack of manners.

i say that i don't like to use this saying on anyone. but there ARE situations that just inevitably make me want to yell it at the person.

if it doesn't belong to you, you have no goddamn right to take it. not unless the right was given to you by the owner.

why is it that humans are self-centered to the point where they think its okay for them to do anything to everybody's items but to use anything belonging to them others need to beg for their permission?


so now you've taken it without permission. used it without permission. damaged it without prior knowledge of the owner.

are YOU going to give it back?

you have no goddamn business using the goddamn thing okay?! even if you were curious the way it works, bloody hell it was never your turn to try it out even without permission.

understand the goddamn hierarchy in the system you exist in and learn your goddamn place.

and please.

don't expect people to clean your goddamn mess.

and also.

please don't use that idiotic look on me. it only works on dogs.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Raya holidays

As many of you know, i did not go back to civilisation this raya holidays, choosing instead to remain in this godforsaken jungle habitat. (i swear the ants in my house are having baby booms)

I'm gonna miss ya fish. sorry that i'm not able to see you off at the airport. (will make added effort to kidnap you when you eventually come back). dont forget to wait for my bananas at UK! you MUST show me proof that you ate them even tho they are bound to arrive mouldy and brown. bwaahahahaah...

one reason why i did not want to go back is because i KNOW i wont be able to do any work at home. i'd spend time going out, meeting friends, playing with my guitar etc...

anything but my coursework.

which is building up and generating dust.

and also what i'm SUPPOSED to do like right now.

and speaking of which i shall get started AFTER this:



lottery -> money -> CAR = freedom!!!

my formula for now. don't disprove it.

maybe i'm new at driving but i really like being behind the wheels.

everyone else who has driven for more than to years has tried to convince me that driving is tiring, straining and boring. (which includes majority of my friends and 2 parents)

maybe i will feel like that after two years. but why not enjoy it when i feel like enjoying it?

here i thank my roommate for loaning me her baby and trusting me so much.

i am really REALLY happy that you are more worried about my well being than that of your car.

i'm fine. REALLY.

maybe i sucked when i drove you off, but on the way back i was okay. nothing bad happened today either when i drove my other friend to the station and back.

i've improved lots compared to the first drive i had in KT. (also after your scolding.)

i feel blessed to have such friends.

fate might have not given me the best in life, but i'm grateful that it did not chose to give me the worst in life, either.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Where are you, Freedom?

I went to Pulau Kapas with my coursemates yesterday. Just came back. Had a Great time. Really. the only reason why there are no other elaborations is because i'm tired.

more tired than before i went to the island.

"A person who needs a vacation the most is one that just had a vacation."

How true.

Anyway, back on topic.

I went there with high hopes of finding my lost feeling of freedom.

I needed to feel free again.

Now that i'm back,

I feel refreshed but exhausted at the same time.

I feel lethargic.

I feel peaceful.

But Freedom eludes me.

Somewhere along the way from F5 to UMT, i must have locked myself without realising it and misplaced my key of freedom.

As it is now, the key is lost.

A spare key exists, i suppose. But i can not and will not obtain it from where it is held.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Someone asked me what did i value most in this world.

now, i'm a unsocialable materialistic introvert. so normally when i'm confronted with this question i would answer with either my guitar or my cat.

but honestly, i value my freedom the most.

to be free, to be not tied down by money, work, people.

but this feeling, i hardly get it anymore.

i had the most freedom during my primary school days, and it gradually lessened through my secondary school era and now, it is almost non-existent.

when i first came here i felt it in many little ways.

this feeling lessened in sem 2.

so far in sem 3 i do not remember ever feeling freedom. so much that i have forgotten what freedom felt like, what it WAS.

then yesterday afternoon, i felt it.

i was walking back to the lab empty handed.

then it hit me.

for that one, brief moment, i felt freedom in its outmost glory.

for that one second i felt my entire being relax and an overwhelming sense of peace came over me.

then, as suddenly as it came, it left me.

Leaving me addicted to its taste.

Freedom is peace.

I need to feel free again.

Friday, September 11, 2009


Don't expect me to do the best, for i would return your expectation by presenting my worst.

But expect me to fail, and i will show you that i will surpass them all.

i'm such an ironic person. my performance is always inversely proportionate with the expectations people have for me.

the higher the hope they lay on me, the worse i'll turn out.

however my friends are not the type to pijak me and expect the worst.

so normally they'd expect just the average. and that is what i would give.

High expectations give me stress. and i don't function well under stress.

the 7 minutes i spent waiting for my turn to present this morning HAD to be the longest and most stressful moment of my life so far.

endless comments, endless questions, and to top it off he was praised as a good presenter.

i had to top that. i needed to. i failed.

i became nervous.

when i stood before the podium, before the audience, my mind was blank.

i didnt know what i was doing anymore.

i tried to present within my time limit. and in that aspect too i failed.

somehow i became tongue tied and rushed through my slides.

my speed as also worse than ever. i wasn't presenting anything. i was reading the goddamn slide.

then came the Q & A session.

i KNEW the bloody answer. i goddamn KNEW it!

but my brain refused to let me connect the words into a sentence.

how did i let this happen to me? why the hell i HAD, just HAD to be nervous?!

this nervousness came upon me like a bomb, and now i'm still feeling the aftermath of the explosion.

this goddamn nervousness and still resonating within me.

Sunday, September 06, 2009


My medication can only ease so much of my mood swings. But as it is the frequency is increasing everyday. It’s getting harder and harder to keep it in check and I can only take that much of the drug everyday.

Why the hell is this happening?

Something is clearly wrong with me. I know that.

What the hell can I do about it?

How does someone keep a drowning person whose body is weighed down by an evergrowing boulder afloat?

No matter how many bouyancy devices you provide him, the growing boulder pulling him down will in time, nullify the buoyancy of the person and drag him down deeper.

No matter how many buoyancy devices you give him, one day the supply is going to run out if the boulder doesn’t stop growing.

The solution?

Detach the boulder.

Easy, right?

Yeah. If it was so easily done.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

THE drug XD



so many people asking about the drug...

anyways it is still under tests and not fit for public consumption yet. XD

when i patent it i give free samples, okay? haha.

discovered a new attribute of the 'miracle drug' today.

long term usage without interruption from certain materials will cause calming, subdued state.

unfortunately, the certain materials are an unavoidable annoyance in my life right now.

maybe some day i'll grow immune to it.


Wednesday, September 02, 2009


It works! It's working!


I can officially say that i have found a 'medicine' for my frequent mood swings.

although the side effect might make me seem high, for a while.

but hey, whatever works, works. okay? its better than me moping around all day.

so now as long as i take care to not miss taking this 'miracle drug' my mood swings will be more or less stable.



i think i know why i'm having mood swings lately. no, not because i was sick okay.

was testing myself yesterday. and it worked. even though its just a little.

so my mood was that little bit more stable today.

i need to understand myself more.


Friday, August 28, 2009

Despite vowing I will update this very week, I still abandoned it for three.

everytime i go to my blog to check for friends' blog updates, i feel ashamed looking at my last post's date.

three weeks ++ already??!! my god. time really does fly. (despite me saying i will update at least once a week...)

actually not i dowan to update la its cause everytime i got time to update i also happen to be in an emo state then when i look at my previous posts which are so goddamn emo i decide to postpone updating and wait for a time when i'm not emo. so nice right, spare you all the heartache. XD

seriously i get really frequent mood swings nowadays. in the morning i'd be unapproachable and in the evenings i'd be crazy happy like nobody's business. *swt*

stupid thing is that i will not be aware of the transition until i lay back and think about it. like the other day when i just blasted at an innocent coursemate for something i thought was annoying at the time but later on i realised that i was just being a jerk.

i wasn't even aware i was in a bad mood. it wasn't until hours later when my friend told me i was in a 'snit' (<-as she called it) that morning that i suddenly realised what i did. i apologized to the poor person i shot at later that evening. no bad feelings, i hope.

heh. i'm being a difficult person, aint i? but serious its totally unintentional.

maybe i have the jekyll-hyde syndrome. (spilt personality o.O)

on a different note, i have flu, cough, headache, sore throat and muscle ache. Everything except FEVER. (but ocassionally i get cold chills for no apparent reason, counted?)

... o.O??!!

but i'm NOT sick. don't brainwash me into thinking i am. period.

i've also been acting weird lately. (yes i know it too. dont be so shocked)

argh... i shall blame it all on stress.

Sunday, August 09, 2009



i used to hate them. i still do.

i'd complain about their attitudes, their habits, their behaviour.

i find them terribly, terribly annoying. i still do.

in the silence where i think i am alone, i'd damn them, curse them, hate them.

i hate hypocrites very much.

i also find them despite how strongly i feel about them, i'm slowly becoming one myself.

does that mean i'm starting to hate myself, too?

Friday, July 31, 2009

Random update

Wanted to put something special here. was thinking ans thinking and thinking and then stopped due to never-ending labs and assignments.

so whatever this is impromptu. hahah...

not many of my posts are impromptu, i normally have them typed out earlier or had some sort of idea of what to write beforehand.


actually nothing significant happened recently. just that finally i understood the meaning of not enough time.

last time, i had time to rush my assignments the night before. not anymore. had to do it at night in weekends cuz the weekdays are so goddamn packed full that cannot do anything else but bathe and sleep.

why weekend days cannot do, you ask? because weekend days are spent in the lab analyzing field trip samples = staring into microscopes for hours on end for the entire day.

last time, i had time to study for tests last minute (eg the night/hour before). now? the night before i would fall asleep attempting to study and not realize i've fallen asleep until the next morning.

the hour before? got class. so study during class while sitting in the LAST row hoping the lecturer doesn't notice.

haih... actually we had been warned by our seniors.

"aiyer you all no time to do anything else one"

"sem 3 you all wan to sleep ah? jangan harap lah"

"Go outing? go play? wait until sem over ah."

oh btw. was supposed to have a field trip today but was cancelled. postponed to next week.

no bad for an impromptu post, i'd say. should do this more often. XD

Friday, July 24, 2009


I thought,
I can finally believe in myself.

I thought,
I have overcame my fears, regained my lost confidence.

I thought,
I had improved.

I thought,
Someone finally acknowledged my improvement, my efforts.

I thought,
Someone finally believed in me, my skills.

And so I was ecstatic.

I felt so grateful for that belief, that trust.
But it turns out I was wrong.
I was still doubted by everyone.

I did not win that trust I needed.

And so I was disappointed.

Saturday, July 18, 2009


i knew it.

i WAS in denial.

i still am.

otherwise i wouldnt feel like this after doing 'that' today.

but my subconsious still pretends i'm not if i don't do whatever i did.

it forces my consious to believe i've gotten over it and continue life as it is.

I'm in denial that i'm denial.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

why? WHY...??!

2nd sem:
after registering for french 1 i decided to take french 2 and 3 on sems 3 and 4 respectively, thus effectively using up ALL my free electives and leaving the final year FREE for my FYP (haha i so pandai kan?), despite warnings from seniors that 3rd sem was a really really really packed semester with no time to sleep due to the field trip analysis and presentation.

hope level 100%

i got my 3rd semester's timetable at the end of sem 2 and indeed it was really packed with lectures and labs. but nevertheless i decided to take french 2 if the elective's hours by a miraculous chance fit into the really packed timetable.

hope level 25%

3rd sem:

first day of class the lecturers announced the change in the timetable, apparantly everything had to be changed and a new one would be released. after getting our hands on the new version, the lecturers then proceeded to cancel of 3 credit hours (due to human error - a subject that we did not sign up for) and move away 1 credit hour to another time.

that left the timetable looking pretty blank. blank enough that there was a high chance of fitting in french 2. yay! ahahah...

hope level 80%


was cursing a certain lecturer for having both his theory and lab classes in the morning. of his were in the afternoon and i only hafta wake up at 6.30am on 1 day in 5. but as it is due to his classes i have 3 early days. (the rest of the days classes start at 11.)

went to check the timetable of french 2.

hope level 85%









the given time for french 2 was SMACK in the middle of that lecturer's lab classes. (remember? the one i cursed in the morning?)

*silent wailing*

hope level 0%

>insert critical health level beeping sound here<

not fair!!!

why play with my hope level like that??!!

cannot then cannot la!! dun change here change there let people regain hope lose it!


Tuesday, July 07, 2009

I've got LINE!!!!

Finally my house in k.t has internet access. apparently i'm one of the first among my friends to get have access, although was (i think) the last to register for it.

And that was just last week!!!

Super-efficient la that guy! Thank you En. Saufi!!!

and SOME PEOPLE mentioned before it needed two-three MONTHS to get ready. sheeshhh....

been bragging about it all day haha... i think my course mates wanna kill me liao. pitiful them. applied long time ago d now also havent get.

staying stuck in a house with no internet connection and nothing else to do is SO boring. no class, no assignments, no projects, blah.... etc.

now only have to worry about monthly bill...


Monday, June 22, 2009


brain dead...

was on facebook for a while now since morning and trying to do things that doesnt require thinking.

successful so far.

however am wondering why the heck i don't feel anything emotionally.

i'm supposed to be, i dunno. at least feeling some sort of emotion, right?

maybe i'm just tired.

but right now, i'm blank.

i wonder if robots have any sort of feelings, would they feel blank like this too? since they aren't supposed to feel happiness, anger, sadness...etc.


physically and emotionally.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Seasons, out of time.

Goodbye to you my trusted friend
We ve known each other since we
Were nine or ten
Together we ve climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and abc s
Skinned our hearts and
Skinned our knees

Remembering you always

Destiny willed us to meet
In this palace of turtles.

We laid on the sandy beach,
Staring at the star-lit sky,
Waiting for the arrival of landing turtles.

We hiked Turtle Rock.
Overlooking the deep blue sea,
Indulging in the exuberant moment.

We sang along
fooled around
Frolicking, playing, laughing…
Enjoying every single second we had.

These precious memories,
Will be kept in our hearts always.
And this, is our promise.

怀念你 永远

一起 我们相遇

一起 躺在白沙
望着星空 等待海龟靠岸

一起 攀过石林
俯视大海 陶醉其中

一起 哼哼唱唱
说着 笑着 闹着


Goodbye my friend it s hard to die
When all the birds are singing
In the sky
Now that spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and I ll be there

We had joy we had fun we had
Seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed were
Just seasons out of time

(Jacks, Terry)

My friend, your had been summoned before your time and although your presence with us was short lived, your memory we shall hold close to our hearts.

To those who have known you, your family, your friends and ours, remember that nothing is forever, so treasure everything that we have and also what we had lost, and live life to the fullest.

This, I believe, is want you would have demanded on us.

May you be in peace, my friend.

We all miss you.

Friday, May 22, 2009

A Dota Chat Story

My brother was playing dota the other day and I was watching. The following conversation happened. Part of it I ask brother to type one. Like the Japanese reference.

anyone familiar with dota should understand the terms. if not then just skip on to the chat.

The_sniperguy(Kunka) <--brother Void and Raijin I forgot their real name so whatever la. They pelakon sambilan only. Situation: the scourge which originally had 3 members are left with one after two left the game so Traxex kept urging of one of the sentinels (4 people) to switch to scourge to even out the game. so it would be 3v2 instead of 4v1.

Traxex: not fair?! 4v1?
Traxex: I not gonna play on Malaysia room anymore

Kunka: u not from Malaysia? Then where u from?

Traxex: I am a Filipino.

Void: Im Filipino too
Raijin: Im Korean

Kunka: I am Japanese

Traxex: I am a Japanese gurl

Kunka: not fair to switch

Traxex: y not fair?

Kunka: u already level 18
(The rest was in the lvl11 - 13 range, so wat i meant was that if one went over, the two person tag team with a seriously outleveled player would be unfair)

Traxex: no im level 21
Traxex: what age
Traxex: I want ur age
(i saw the level 5 mins ago so the info abit outdated, but mana tau the fella suddenly ask for age)

Kunka: I am 89 <--my bro did this himself

Traxex: u know Im only 13? And I kill you so many times

Kunka: old man hand slow mah. When I young my hand faster
Kunka: when I young I so pro

-game end-

Traxex never gave a reply and my bro already quit the program. Me and my sister was in the room and we were laughing our heads off. Then my sister said

“You know, if really 89 years ago there's no computer?”

Me: “By right there’s no dota 89 years ago also. No la logically younger no need so many years back. 86 years old also younger ma.”

“Logically yeah Japanese live longer and got better technology so maybe really got computer 89 years ago.”

Me: …

“Imagine the 13 year old year crying to the mother mummy mummy you know I kill a 89 year old man in dota so many time? But he win me in the end and he say he pro when he young”

Me: “Yeah the mother will say hah 89 years ago got computer ah?”

Maybe the 13 year old really believe it. You know la. Kids today are so gullible and have no common sense whatsoever.

That traxex fella was reallyreallyreally rude btw.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Pyramid outing

Today i went pyramid with my kid siblings.

What happened was:
Random walk
Window shop
Get hungry
Eat Pizza
Play basketball in arcade
Be very very tired
Go home

So my main point here is, during the window shopping slot i found this.

Its like saying:

hey i'm for sale! bring me back? *puppy eyes*

person steps forward for purchase...

*evil stare* dont touch me!

i mean, whats the point of this ironic advertisement??!! you wanna sell that thing or not?

make up ur mind la!

Friday, May 01, 2009


just arrived home.

FINALLY read the newspaper after being cut off from any form of informative media for one week and ter-slept in the process of trying to finish a week's worth of newspapers.

woke up. had lunch. rejoiced at looking at my guitar and big fat cat.

my cat is so goddamn big and fat compared to the ones back at UMT.

shall go bathe in a moment before going shopping.


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

why the heck am i feeling so goddamn bored?!

i have a test tomorrow afternoon. its the LAST one for THIS SEMESTER!!! BWAHAHAHHAHAHA

no. i don't think i studied enough to pass the goddamn test.

but i'm too bored to study.

this is my genetic principles paper with i know i'm not going to get flying colors for. cuz the colors are all too dead to fly.

i pretended to be turning off my phone (which btw we are NOT supposed to bring into the exam hall) and snapped this pic.
i'm just really, REALLY bored. exams do that to people sometimes.

now THIS is a really bored face.

i can't go home yet. i need to take another test for my SCUBA license after the exams so i'll only be back on the morning of labour day.

then i'll be in town for 3 weeks before returning to the jungle for SEATRU.

then a 10day break which i'm still decided whether or not i'll be goin back before my 11 day field trip in pulau pinang.

then another 2 week break before the sem reopens and i'm also debating whether to escape the jungle and hitchhike back to town.


oh well.. shall think of it summore when my brain re-functions again.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Field Trip yet again.

yes. this course i'm in is MADE out of field trips. this time to pulau pinang. (no not the northern one, the one near pulau redang in the marine park).
according to the experienced (seniors) there are easy 'educational' field trips, and 'exhausting work your ass off' field trips.
this is the 'dead tiring but no time to sleep' type.

anyway the point of this pst is that we were divided into groups, and that my friend got elected as group leader.
me: eh you better treat the members properly during the field trip or else we mutiny against you only you know.
WB (water bucket) : hah? what you all gonna do la. we're on a pulau.

me: Exactly. nobody can go help you if we decide to drown/kill you in the middle of the ocean.
WB: ya hor. then when lecturer notice my absence how?
me: aih just tell here you busy doing 'goup leader' stuff somwhere la.
WB: yeah then on the way back suddenly see something red floating in the ocean.

me: yes. we'll wonder why a UMT life jacket is doing in the middle of the ocean and blame you.
WB: wait. no la. that tme monsoon right? i'll probably be carried by the currents back to the jeti already. then you all see a rotting mass of flesh on the beach when you get back.
me: not like you got a lot of flesh to rot away right? by the time we get there only your clothes will remain la. *points* how come that thing with the life jacket is wearing clothes that look like WB's one hah?
WB: ...
me: then sekali people inspect the skeleton they'll be like 'eh? this look like monkey la! how come monkey wearing human clothes and know how to put on life jacket?'
WB: oh. this is where they forget i exist and go conduct experiments on the corpse right?
me: yeah.

this is WB

forgive my boredom ranting. just got off one lousy paper with one LAST major paper to go on 23th.


brain not finctioning well.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Of Langkawi and Annual Dinners

i'm not supposed to be doing this... but after two weeks of hectic non-stop deadlines and stressful atttempts to honor those said deadlines i think i deserve a break.


anyway a quick post on my langkawi trip. supposedly field trip but it sorta came up to be a chocolate smuggling event for most of my coursemates... whuddya believe some of them spent RM300++ just on chocolates??!! o.O

upon our arrival we were ushered to a really unbelievably money making thief of a tourist trap. this.
look at those roti canai!! unappetizing, expensive and horrible looking!! ugh! they were lucky we were really hungry after our bus trip. anyway skip to the first destination... after a short briefing we were ushered into UNDERWATER WORLD LANGKAWI for a longer briefing.

since it was so goddamn long and we were so goddamn bored and we were in a 3D movie theatre wearing 3D glasses...

i find this REALLY REALLY nice picture of horses. WAH SO SPIRITED!!!!

as we WERE on a educational field trip, i took pictures of educational things also la. don't ask me to post. very boring one. but this fella looks as if it was posing for the camera so i decided to post this one. ^-^

see. so cute right.

although it says UNDERWATER on the sign it had this snake guy asking people to take pictures with his snake. i thought "what the heck, RM10 only ma..." and proceeded to drag my friends to take pictures.

these... arent the actual pictures (actual pictures look so much better oh) but they couldn't gimme the soft copy so i took some with my own camera. in the end the pak cik was SO sporting he discounted the pictures at RM8 per piece.

so nice la the uncle.

sad news is we were so intent on smuggling as much chocolates as we could from the shops beside UWL the bus left us. we, being bored, did this.

this was taken in front of the chocolate shop and i think the staff inside were cursing us for chasing away their customers. (o.o"). anyway we found another means of transport (rent van) TWO hours later and managed to get to our accomodation before it got dark.

eh not our fault okay. even our lecturer got stuck behind with us. STUPID bus driver punya pasal.

the next day we went to LANGKAWI BIRD PARADISE. (or so it says la BIRD paradise on the sign). inside ah, got monkey la, mousedeer la, this la.
makes you wonder if they actually starve the animals to make them so goddamn eager for food. (no la, we saw staff distributing food also... but maybe insufficient amount? hmmm...)

of course there was birds and there were many pictures taken for future report writing reference (which reminds me, have to pass up next week). one of the less formal ones.
of our return to UMT nothing really significant happened besides the fact that Goatee, being the natural annoying idiot that he is, banged salty fish with a luggage trolley.

you how how heavy that thing is?

and he banged the sharp point on his ankle at somewhat full force. dah la he is VERY not thin. of course got alot of stored energy right.

kesian salty fish.

end of langkawi report. next up. our bioM annual dinner.

i went to the annual dinner.

normal people dressed like this:

i on the other hand went like THIS:

haha.... sorry for the disappointment i caused to my coursemates who was looking forward to see me in something other than pants, as they later stated. ^-^ maybe next sem.

to say many pictures were taken that night is nothing less than an understatement. but as i'm so free right now i'll put up one.

most of the night pictures are yellowish due to the lack of light and my camera's low light settings. the rest i'm gonna upload on facebook. someday.

all of these are taken from MY camera. there were OTHER people with cameras and pictures in them but i havent found the time to take the pictures from their machines yet.

wait la. not free now. as of now, i bid you farewell. until next post. XD
my hair has gotten so goddamn long. gonna cut it when i go back.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Random rant. Pay NO attention whatsoever to the contents.

i’ve always been an introvert. Ever since i could remember I had been wary of people.

yes. Even family members. Cept maybe my mom.

I’ve always gotten along better with animals compared to humans. Even for drawing, I started by drawing non-human objects (i.e. animals). I absolutely HATED drawing human beings when I was young.

I only started liking drawing humans when I got into anime tho. Then when I created my own characters, they could never stay human. They’d be supernatural beings (i.e demons, werewolves, vampires, etc). but thinking of it now I’ve been demonizing my drawings of animals even before I started drawing humans so it kinda makes sense, no?

I was never the get up and talk to people type. The first friend I made in primary school was due to my mom’s influence. Then the first friend I made in assunta was also because she sat right next to me. At that time I remember I felt really, really awkward, with the new surrounding, new school new people and all.

And also the stupid lembik tie my dad got me which looked REALLY weird.

He got me a better one later so, he’s been forgiven.

The first friend in seafield was ALSO because she sat next to me. Heh. 5 years down the road you’d think I’d be better at human communication at form 6.

But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…………………..

I wasn’t.

My friend once said I have this before friend, after friend face.



And she says I still do.

I’m rarely responsive to people I don’t know that well. I just sit there and listen until they turn their attention to me or I get the courage to talk to them.


Then as I get closer to a person, somehow I get further away. Like, I start to feel difficulty calling out their actual names. I space out. Its like I’ve unconsciously built an inner wall that blocks me from outside.

Is this my unconscious self being the extreme introvert? I want me to isolate myself and be friendless all my life izit??!


Its not like I regret having friends. I love my friends. Its just that at times I do stuff that I’d regret later to them and I never have the courage to apologize.

I think I’m afraid of humans.

I think I’ve psychological problems.

I think I’m on the verge of insanity.

I know I need a psychologist who does not know me.

Like maybe one coming from the other end of the world.

Sunday, March 08, 2009


Some of these days I feel like a goddamn vampire. (I must be reading too much of Twilight but anyhow…) I went out of my room the other night and the breeze was fantastic. Totally different than going out during the day. All sun and no wind.

They wanna goddamn roast us in Terengganu izit?

It’s during those nights when I REALLY, REALLY WISH we had all night classes instead. And sleep the day away.

This actually reminded me of a short story I read years ago “the valley of the blind”. For those who don’t know it’s about a secluded place surrounded by mountains and it’s very difficult for people to get in or out. So anyway a genetical disease made the people there all blind and the descendants lived that way not knowing anything or anything related to sight.

They thought birds were angels and etc. but important thing is, since their world was darkness anyway, they slept in the morning when it was warm and worked at night when it was cool. Sensible right? But not practical for us.


We have sight. More specifically we NEED sight. So if we slept the day away and worked at night in total darkness, we’d turn on all the lights and stuff. Waste of electricity. Already we aren’t conserving enough although we sleep at night, then we wanna waste summore by changing our lifestyle hah? Whatever la.

If we all change our lifestyles like this, the end of the world will come sooner.

But I STILL really wish I don’t have to be barbequed while walking to campus every morning tho.

I’m already medium rare.

update on langkawi trip will happen as soon as i organize my pics and assignments for the trip.


i hope.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Field Trip awaiting...

My lecturer for "Biology of Marine Vertebrates" is taking us on field trip tomorrow!! but before that:

I’ve decided that the remaining videos I have will be uploaded on facebook instead.

Reason 1: it looks HORRIBLE on blogspot.

Reason 2: I’m being a nice person and complying with requests of the stars from the video who wish avoid publicity. (cuz my blog public ma)

Reason 3: em. Cuz my facebook no video? Saje wan to put this reason. 3 nice number what.

Anyway. Seriously. Back to topic.

I’m goin on course field trip to Langkawi tomorrow! YEAH hahahaha…..

I’m supposed to do a presentation or something on it as an assignment so expect pictures and vids(maybe)… still deciding whether to put em here or facebook.

Maybe some here some there.

although the bus trip will be long and tiring... oh wth. can sleep on bus ma. i just hope whoever sits beside me doesn't ask me to shut the air con due to coldness.
you'd be suprised how many people cannot stand the cold around here. sheesh.

Monday, February 23, 2009


on the 20th we went for debate quarter finals and... lost. as firdaus had to go to his wajib scuba license theory class so our backup, eric stepped up to the podium as the prime minister of our team.

First of I shall declare that without this person, we would not have qualified this far, and would have failed in the priliminary rounds on the first day.

This person held the most important post in the debate team for all the matches, which is the 3rd speaker, meaning the Whip of the Ministry regardless of whether we held the side of the Government or Opposition.

And this person was the BEST speaker in FOUR of our FIVE matches!!! the only one she wasn't was at the quarter finals.

This person is....



sorry. if we had been better speakers to support you our team might have gotten further on in the match...

eh please note i'm not trying to gosok kasut, k.

as i promised, i shall now post the comments by our team members regarding their involvement in this debate competition:

Lee Ling: I feel BioM team is not fully prepared and that good after all after i've seen how the teams in the semi final really fight neck to neck about the topic NEP, with strong points and good strategy. I over underestimated the teams we fought with.

Chark: i think without coaching and experience and we get this far to quarter finals it is amazing enough. and the top four teams are GREAT speakers. wow. especially KKK. then there was this girl from IT that we lost to who was GREAT as well. this, people, is talent.

Eric: i think i'm the one causing our team is lost.....sorry ok!!!!!AND if firdaus came that time i think our team will win huhuhuuuu....... but if see the semi final team..they are more better than us because of they have more experiences...... that's all....TQ...

Firdaus: I’m very happy and the debate was enjoyable. Hope to join it again next year..

there you have it. the comments from our participants.

Lee Ling was the whip and best speaker among us, and also top among all the participants. i can't help feeling that if we had been better speakers who could have a chance in the semi finals.

me: Ngo Lee Ling, please comment on your feelings upon receiving the title of THE best speaker in the english debate.

LL: Em. personally i regret not attending the prize giving ceremony as i had to attend the ceremony for those who got on the dean's list.

this girl on dean list people. dun play play.

LL(cont.): but i feel very happy and i appreciate the organizers giving this award.

however lookin' on the bright side, i personally think maybe this is a blessing in disguise...

because we lost in the quarters we had the opportunity to witness the greatness of the KKK team and not stress ourselves out.

finals were between bioD and post harvest. i was REALLY shocked when KKK lost! they were great! i mean, bioD were stuttering and stuff. man.

i suppose it was all down to the strategy and rebuttal of points.

oh well.


I find the judges totally biased.

Sitting through the Finals, i can't help but feel that the semi finals i sat through was SO much better. the teams, sorry to say, if any participant happens to stumble on this blog, was boring, to say the least.

plus the audience (excluding me of course) was goddamn noisy and disruptive. but it was legal to do so, so i kept quiet.

and listening to the finals i get headache from their superb grammar.

goddamn them.

so yeah. XD

but after listening to the finals of the BM debate, which was WOW on both sides, i realise that, yeah. they really do look at your points as the main thing.

doesn't matter if you can't speak the language,

as long as you present strong points and are able to kill the opponent's points,

you'd win.

doesn't matter if your mastery of the english language isn't that good.

for complete results, please visit here

Saturday, February 21, 2009


I remember when I started this blog off I was updating every week (cuz I was workin and I always used my off days to update). Then I went to uni it gradually became twice a month, then once a month.

And it took a reminder from my friend to make me realize this fact.

I wonder what distracted me?

It wasn’t as if I had nothing to post or that I had no internet access. I had 24 hour internet as long as I have my laptop wit me at the right places.

You know, I think that was the reason.


That distracted me from what I wanted to do, to accomplish. And also gave me the reason to procrastinate. Cuz, tomorrow’s always there right?

But tomorrow never comes.

It is TODAY that stuff will be done.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Day in my obviously "quite" stressed uni life

Was woken up at 6 am by roommate.

Was woken up AGAIN at 8am by said roommate asking why the heck I need so much sleep.

Was then horribly woken up by ringtone on phone at 9am. This time by coursemate who told me I made to go attend debate at KK3 (classroom. Debate activity was forced on me weeks ago and very naturally escaped my mind)


I have to debate today?!! WHAT?!! I don’t even know HOW to debate!!

Woke up and got ready hurriedly and rushed to KK3. Was already half an hour late. However when eavesdropping at the door it did not really sound like a debate was going on in there but got la some person talking.

I slowly opened the door and slipped inside. Nodded to the person (who btw reminded me VERY MUCH of the kappa with his mannerisms and body language, not to mention way of speech…) and went to meet my contact who then FINALLY told me this was only a workshop for debate beginners.

I let out a breath I never knew I was holding.


Saturday, January 17, 2009

My First home-made Movie Clip!!! FINALLY!

This was actually completed sometime late August last year but i never uploaded it due to poor connection. Today i discovered the libraries can ACTUALLY upload stuff!!!

okay so i was blur and never noticed. but then again don't blame me. its the libray's comp and i never would have realised it if not for the fact that my laptop's in the hospital.

Ok. so now i shall sing some self praises:

This is my first video!!! YAY! i actually have a couple more in my External HD but be patient ya. one at a time. FOr starters, i thought it was great. But after i made a couple more i thought this was NOT so great. means i improved, okay. Plus that night i spent FIVE hours on the video, disturbing my roommate who was trying to study.

sorry ya. just don't kick me out of the house next sem and beyond...

the music doesn't really match but its my first time doing something like this okay... the rest are a bit better. i was clever enough to just put ONE song. haven't mastered the art of mixing songs just yet.

please comment on the video.

thank you.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

My Bro's Video

My brother did this some time ago and i promised him i'd post it here. so there.

see! your big sis keeps promises. unlike someone...

erm.. and there's tiny miniscule words at the bottom (the worm's monolog) if you can read it, thats good. if you can't, its ok.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Lack of electronic devices...

IS NOT GOOD FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!

...and yes, i'm still using the libraries PC for my daily electronical needs... can't wait till CNY. btw i took french as an elective. when you see me end of this year i'd be speaking french to you people... BWAHAHAHAH

IF i master the language.

anyway. i actually have TONS of videos of my campus life to upload but i'm detered by three things:

1. i have no PC
2. even if i had the campus's connection is TOO slow to upload them so i have to wait till i get back anyway
3. i need to seek copyright permission from those whose faces are in the home made clip.

excuses, excuses.

can't think of anything else to post now except that i'm SO looking forward to tommorow's SECOND french class. Au revoir! XD