Saturday, September 15, 2012
Saturday, September 08, 2012
I find it ironic that I’m slowly morphing into the type of person that I hate having around me. But is it really morphing though? Did this other personality exist within me, suppressed, from the beginning?
Is this just another proof to the saying “birds of a feather flock together”?
I start to suspect that years of putting on different masks for different crowds of people might have subconsciously made a tear in my original personality, tearing it up into different branches, yet not completely separated at the root, much like how a tree would be.
The question is, which mask that I wear now is not a mask? I do not know. I abstain from using the term split personality as that condition would signify to different persons within one. I am not. Though not aware at the moment I’m doing it, I sometimes react very differently to same situations under different moods.
Yeah, so some would say that that’s the foul mood talking, but what it my different moods aren’t moods at all? What if those different moods ARE the different personalities that I go through life with?
This is gibberish. I myself am starting to not understand what is it that I’m trying to convey. My current train of thought was triggered by the fact that I woke up to face just a little too much off the tipping point of brainless people doing things without thinking (how could they, they are brainless) about the effects they would make on other people, namely, me.
I know I sound like a brat and a selfish snob, because that’s exactly what I feel like at the moment. My tolerance to human kind this morning has gone SO low that I wish I can either be some rich kid living off my parents’ estate in some remote area where I do not need to care about the world outside me, OR be independent enough that I can live in some jungle somewhere with wild animals instead of humans, OR (the most do-able choice IMO) to commit some not so petty crime but dangerous enough to be a menace to people around me and get thrown into prison and stay there in solitary confinement for the rest of my life.
Now I understand why there are so many repeat offenders. I mean, even if you honestly wanted to chance after a jail term, chances are once you are released into the world you would be too overwhelmed by the technological advancements that the outside society has accomplished to do anything that could earn you a better living, harder still finding a job as employers generally do not employ people with criminal records, leaving you to do jobs that would result you living in a state that is worse than that in jail.
So, for a bit of luxury that society is denying you, you commit a crime so that you can improve your living standards, but you are careless, and was thrown back in jail where you find that life inside the brick walls is not so bad after all. People don’t judge you because they have done the same or worse than you, and that they are judged by the outside world themselves. You get meals and accommodation that is financed by taxpayers who on the outside would not give you a chance for a new life. Prison food is no gourmet meal and the accommodation isn’t some 5-star hotel, but certainly no less that want you would have to live with out there with those cynical stares and whispers after a long, tiring day of honest’s day’s toil and hard work.
Conditions in prison might not be much better than that of the outside, but the environment and the lack of mental stress would do so much to make it worth staying inside.
But don’t take my word for it. What do I know? I’ve never been to prison. Never personally knew a prisoner. I wouldn’t know how being one feels like, would I?
At this point in time, I just wish to be left in a space devoid of human life.