...

Warning: Look. I’m whining here. Don’t take it personally.

Depressed. It’s my off day. So I shouldn’t be. But I’m depressed BECAUSE it’s my off day.

BECAUSE I’ve time on my hands.

BECAUSE I should be trying to find information on what I want to do.

BECAUSE I don’t know what to do.

BECAUSE I don’t know what I’m doing.

Great. I wrote “because” so many times now it looks like it has the wrong spelling.

If I’m working I would give myself the excuse that I don’t have time to search for these kinds of stuff. But know that I’m home with the whole day (half the day has passed) on my hands and the reality is that I have no idea what to do or search for is coming down on me hard.

That is why I get terrible headaches on my off days.

Crap. I supposed to relax on off days. Not getting headaches and feeling more stressed than when I’, working.

Then to curb this headache I indulge in brainless mind washing to numb the pain.

Then when it’s over, so is the day.

Then I go back to work the next day and tell myself: “I must find something more conclusive to do with my life on my NEXT off day.”

And the cycle begins again.

Guard Dog, Wild Wolf

When one pictures nights when the full moon presents itself, more often than not they will immediately think of wolves howling away towards the heavens. So much, that sometimes one imagines the crying of the beasts even though there was not a sound to be heard.

Tonight was one such night. Somewhere, within the guarded premises of a human town. One canine perks his ears at a sound familiar to him, a long, long time ago. So long, that he imagined that he had forgotten how it had sounded like.

Howls, long and mournful, like a tribute to the ancestors of his kind; but somehow also deep and filled with pride, proud, to be born as one of the pack.

Pride, which he had thrown away ever since he left his freedom, bound by a human for reasons not even himself can comprehend.

As much as he missed his freedom, leaving the pack was something he had never regretted. In that past life of his he was already a lone wolf, living solitarily in the shadows of the pack; so when he decided to leave he did not have any family or friendship ties to break.

Back then, freedom was like air to him. Giving up his freedom for this human merely meant this human’s existence had replaced the importance of that in his life. Even now if he was to be separated for any period of time from his human, suffocation tormented him. Only by her side can he breathe and rest easy.

He sat up and stared at the moon, willing himself to remember how to howl again.

In the distance, the strong voice of the alpha of his former pack rang through the silence, informing the weaker packs of his existence. Challenging, even, any males who dared to take his place.

He let out a low whimper, as his howl got stuck in his throat.

Coughing, clearing his windpipe, he tried again.

This time, a clear, deep howl.

A warning, to his brother, to not lead the pack too near to the only thing he held dear.

A guard dog may not be able to win against a wild wolf, but that fact changes when one party has something he deems worthy to protect even at the cost of his life.

幼稚?成熟?

也许你觉得我现在很幼稚，谁的话都不肯听。特别是你用心良苦，以自以为是很成熟的脑袋所想出来非常有道理的话和想法。

那么我也想问你，你；自认是个很成熟的你；如果你连一个幼稚的人的想法都不肯耐心的去听，去了解；那么你又跟那个你认为那个幼稚无知 的人有什么分别呢？

是，你绝对有权利发表你的意见。不过，当别人用理去推翻你的想法过后，就请你用你那个非常非常非常成熟的脑袋去提出另一个辩论吧。

因为当你一直不服输地去重复同一个句子的时候，是很烦，并且很令人讨厌的。

我想再问一次，这个时候；你这个非常成熟的人有跟很幼稚的人有什么分别？

我承认我不是很成熟，不过我觉得我不会幼稚过你吧。至少当成熟的你一直在发表同一个意见的时候；我回你的每一句都是带有道理的，却又是不同的。

当然我也承认我的道理可能不是像酱成熟的你能够领悟的。但至少我不会像个白痴似的，一直都只会重复同一句话。

再来说，成熟又有什么好？

成熟，天天都要烦这烦那。

幼稚，都把明天的烦恼等到后天才舍得担心。

成熟，不但不能太自私地一直照顾自己；而且连身边喜欢的，讨厌的，阿猪阿狗阿羊阿牛也要理。

幼稚，为自己活就好啊！喜欢的话把整颗心拿去付出。讨厌的话就完全不理也不用内疚。自己开心就好啊，干嘛要去亏待自己，让自己难受？

是，每个孩子都会希望能快点长大。不过，你又看到那一位成人是完全没有回想过童年时无忧无虑的时光吗？

也许我写的东西你根本都不会认同，甚至明白；因为毕竟你是太成熟了。

你开心就好。

而我，我也自己开心就好了。

What is "home"? Where do YOU find it?

One of my friends was remarking to me that he wouldn't , in any way in the world spend an extra unnecessary second in campus, preferring rather to return home and do god knows what. This got me thinking about how I enjoyed doing exactly the opposite.

Sure, your own room might be great, but when you have a roommate that you do not wish to disturb or just want to do something you don’t want anyone else around to bear witness to; or that the said room is terribly, terribly small; this could pose a problem.

For me, it’s limiting my privacy. My space. My freedom.

Freedom, to me, is like air.

Staying at campus is not all that bad, considering you get to do everything you can in your own room. Plus the electricity is FREE to boot, and especially if you find a large area with an air conditioner.

Now, tell me how does the above scenario appear in any way inferior as opposed to your own room?

It’s public, yes. But you can always walk away to find some place that are less occupied by humans. Or, if there WERE humans, they are most likely to be strangers so there are no worries (on my part) about disturbing them. I mean, it’s public! Everyone has a right to this place, so as long as you do not go around making any other person feel like killing you, you’re good to go. Loud music? Use your goddamn earphones.

Come to think of it, school would be a better place for me to call home. Sure, home gives you comfort, but true privacy and freedom you can ironically only find on public grounds. Ever since primary school, I spent most of my waking hours at school. I’d wake up at 5am and stay at school, then return home at 7pm for dinner, a bath, and sleep. Same goes to secondary school where I’d go early around 6am and stay back until 6pm, regardless of the session I was in.

Hm. No wonder I’m not attached to home. I was never in it long enough. Haha.

However this changed drastically when I went to pre-U education. I couldn't bear the thought of staying in that place. I’d go late and do all in my power to escape early. I’d fake illness just to avoid going there (something I have never, ever done before this). I suppose its not fair to the school or its students, cause I never really did give the school, or myself a chance to accept the reality that I thought was hell for that 1.5 years. But it didn't help that the teachers were limiting my freedom so much that I was suffocating.

Quite literarily from the moment I stepped onto school grounds, I would have difficulty breathing. The atmosphere there to me was so heavy and dense that I really felt my soul leaving me every time I entered the place. Only hours after I left that compound, safely in my room, that I would feel my soul reluctantly returning, and I could breathe normally again.

It was only during these times that I felt home was truly home.

I never had this problem anywhere else. Including here. Going to these places were like a wave of fresh air, a limitless space where my wings can spread.

Maybe the true problem was space. My primary and secondary school had a big compound, and a field that I was , and still am, greatly proud of. It’s not to say that I was the kind of person to go running ON the fields, but I liked to see that space before me.

That place however, was small. The field belonged to the neighboring school and I could only look at it behind bars. On top of that I was confined by the rigid laws and teachers of the school. My wings were clipped. It hurt.

And now that they have finally healed, I am never letting anyone else destroy them again.

If and when I see fit, I will give them away myself.

But until then, they will remain mine.

I am.

I am someone without the best of manners.

I am someone without the best of tempers.

I am someone without the best of patience.

I’m someone who will never even touch the base of the best in all these attitudes. In fact, I will admit that I fail completely at trying to polish these attributes and among them many others that are assumed to be positive mannerisms in humanity.

I am someone to hold a grudge, even long after I forget how that grudge existed in the first place.

I am someone who forgets the good in people, not that it is done in purpose, but except for those I actually pay attention to, I see no need to purposely remind myself of how much I am truly indebted to them.

I am someone who assumes the worst in people, often at the first glance, so that sometimes I can just convince myself that they are not worth knowing when they really are better than how I will ever be.

In these negative attributes, however, I am king.

If I hate you, I won’t pretend to fawn over you.

I’m not god, nor am I a saint.

I can’t forgive and forget everything that has ever happened and stand strong for those that will probably recur.

I am not a human.

I can’t put on a mask every single day and look you in the eyes when I have decided that I want nothing to do with you anymore. Don’t push me.

Science says I am an animal. My spirit tells me I am not human.

Animals display their emotions directly. If a cat dislikes you, he walks. If a dog hates you, he bites. If a snake decides to, he kills.

No. animals never hide their emotions.

...

There are times when I just wish for the financial stability I need to escape humanity. When you are in the mist of it, you can’t ignore the majority to just please the ones you care about.

Why?

‘Cause most of the time, those that you wanna care about, care about those that you don’t. Sure they’d have some similar interests, but as they are in the end, not YOU, they tend to have their own thinking, their own ideas about what they should and should not give a damn about.

So, it's just a question of to what extent do you want to compromise your patience to entertain those you have no interest in for the sake of those you are close with, or closer to?

Rambles of an Insomniac

I don’t know why I only get the feel to write when I am at the most inconvenient of times. Times such as this, where its 3am in the morning and I should REALLY be sleeping but each time I close my eyes I think of this subject and suffer from insomnia.

That, and also there’s some other stuff in my mind I can’t put down.

Might as well put down and get over with the things I CAN put down, huh?

Recently I feel that I’ve been censoring too much, if at all, things from my posts. Serious censors include not even putting what I think into words and posting it. But should it be this way?

I know that blogs, for some, are supposed to be entertainment for others.

Some write to amuse others.

Some write to update others on their lives.

Some write to directly or indirectly tell others how they feel about them, whether positively or negatively, etc.

Note the keyword: OTHERS

Which bring me back to the purpose I write a blog.

While I do the abovementioned items, I DO NOT write for the sake of others.

I simply do not wish to have to express my thoughts while trying to predict what others are gonna think about it. About me.

But lately, I’ve been doing that. And that led me unable to post some of my thoughts publicly.

Sure, I would like it very much that people read what I write (It’s a writer’s thing). But sometimes what makes it good is the feeling I invest in my words, and when I think of others too much and censor everything, it becomes theirs. Not mine. Theirs. And when that happens, the feel has already been long dead.

I suppose posting your inner thoughts would be a form of vanity, but then again, which human being has none of that? One of the seven sins (PRIDE), it is simply a package that comes together with being a human.

Now up till here my thoughts have been distracted to ramble on to other topics at least trice, but I still need to get this blog thing off my chest.

Let’s just get ONE thing straight first. I write for ME, and no one else. How anyone else wants to interpret my writings are THEIR problem, not mine.

I’m no good with spoken words. Mainly because my mind can’t think as fast as I can speak, but it can at least keep up with the speed I write. Many times I keep quiet in an argument with whomever, it is not because I have seen the opponent’s point of view, but it is because I have run out of words to make whoever see and understand it from mine. So it is times like this that I give up trying to help them understand the situation through my eyes.

So I use this.

I do not write with the intent to let anyone read whatever I come up with. My words come with a flow, and they do not always flow straight with my initial objectives. And I know it is not infrequent for me to complain about things because, I will admit I am a complainer.

A complainer is not fun to have around, is it? While I have to hold myself back when I speak, I should not have to when I write. Because when I speak, people hear my voice no matter they want it or not. When I write, if they don’t like it, it is their choice to stop. If they keep reading, it’s hardly my fault anymore, is it? If I had the guts to force them to read I would have just directly told them what I wanted to instead.

Sure, some might mistake the subject as themselves. But if they do, they would have identified it with themselves, and even if they never did it to me, they would have done it to someone else at some point. Anyone truly innocent of the accusation would not admit, whether consciously or subconsciously, that the subject in question was themselves.

In short, I don’t care what anyone else thinks the function of a blog is. But this blog is MINE. I write it the way I like it. And if anyone doesn’t like what I’ve written, then just. STOP. Okay? Nobody’s forcing ya. This is also why my header has remained the same after all these time while others decorated it with fancy lettering as pictures.

I need the simplicity to drill the words into the minds of readers, be they old or new.

Don’t read this.

But go ahead.

You’ve been warned.

Forgiveness is a choice

I will forgive you. Because for the great me there is no sense at all in being all worked up in anger over an idiotic small-fry like you.

You being an idiot, I harbor no hopes in you being able to understand even the reasons and common sense of the average human being.

Also, there is no way an idiot like you could have made any plans even resembling what you claim to have made.

Why should I waste my precious energy and time deliberating over your kind?

Why should I waste time over an idiot?

Oh Idiot, I don’t expect anything from you.

Therefore, I don’t care.

Whatever you do, you’re just fulfilling your part as an idiot.

And if I mull over it anymore, I’d be an idiot for being angry at an idiot.

So you did anything wrong, it’s alright, for who am I to expect anything from an idiot?

Thus, I forgive you, for it is useless to expect anything more.

我不知道

我知道，人类有上万种性格的动物，

可是我不知道，要怎么同那些拥有和我不同性格得的人类相处。

我知道， 人缘很重要；

可是我不知道，要怎么跟某些人沟通。

我知道， 所有人都有踏错脚步的一刻；

可是我不知道，要怎么去原谅踏到我尾巴的人。

我知道， 我对某些人的态度很不公平；

可是我不知道，要怎么改变我对这些人的偏见。

我知道， 世界不止有我一个；

可是我不知道，要怎么把除了我的存在容纳在我的世界之内。

我知道， 做错要认错，这是小学生都会的事情；

可是我不知道，要怎么看着他的眼睛，认真的对他说“对不起”。

我知道， 遇到帮了你一手的恩人要懂得感恩；

可是我不知道，要怎么在他面前，从心里表达“谢谢”。

我知道， 在现实的世界里，一个人是不能生存的；

可是我不知道，要怎么停止活在只有我一个人的梦幻之中。

我知道， 我这么做是错的；

可是我不知道，要怎么强逼自己把剩余的力量把自己推到正确的路上。

我知道我是不知道很多很多事情；

可是，

可能这就是身为恶魔的我，

永远领悟不到的人类所拥有的性格。

...

My medication can only ease so much of my mood swings. But as it is the frequency is increasing everyday. It’s getting harder and harder to keep it in check and I can only take that much of the drug everyday.

Why the hell is this happening?

Something is clearly wrong with me. I know that.

What the hell can I do about it?

How does someone keep a drowning person whose body is weighed down by an evergrowing boulder afloat?

No matter how many bouyancy devices you provide him, the growing boulder pulling him down will in time, nullify the buoyancy of the person and drag him down deeper.

No matter how many buoyancy devices you give him, one day the supply is going to run out if the boulder doesn’t stop growing.

The solution?

Detach the boulder.

Easy, right?

Yeah. If it was so easily done.

THE drug XD

O.o

aiya.

so many people asking about the drug...

anyways it is still under tests and not fit for public consumption yet. XD

when i patent it i give free samples, okay? haha.

discovered a new attribute of the 'miracle drug' today.

long term usage without interruption from certain materials will cause calming, subdued state.

unfortunately, the certain materials are an unavoidable annoyance in my life right now.

maybe some day i'll grow immune to it.

maybe.

Success!!

It works! It's working!

bwahahahahahaha.........

I can officially say that i have found a 'medicine' for my frequent mood swings.

although the side effect might make me seem high, for a while.

but hey, whatever works, works. okay? its better than me moping around all day.

so now as long as i take care to not miss taking this 'miracle drug' my mood swings will be more or less stable.

*grins*

Enlightenment...

i think i know why i'm having mood swings lately. no, not because i was sick okay.

was testing myself yesterday. and it worked. even though its just a little.

so my mood was that little bit more stable today.

i need to understand myself more.

*grins*

Nocturnalism

Some of these days I feel like a goddamn vampire. (I must be reading too much of Twilight but anyhow…) I went out of my room the other night and the breeze was fantastic. Totally different than going out during the day. All sun and no wind.

They wanna goddamn roast us in Terengganu izit?

It’s during those nights when I REALLY, REALLY WISH we had all night classes instead. And sleep the day away.

This actually reminded me of a short story I read years ago “the valley of the blind”. For those who don’t know it’s about a secluded place surrounded by mountains and it’s very difficult for people to get in or out. So anyway a genetical disease made the people there all blind and the descendants lived that way not knowing anything or anything related to sight.

They thought birds were angels and etc. but important thing is, since their world was darkness anyway, they slept in the morning when it was warm and worked at night when it was cool. Sensible right? But not practical for us.

Why?

We have sight. More specifically we NEED sight. So if we slept the day away and worked at night in total darkness, we’d turn on all the lights and stuff. Waste of electricity. Already we aren’t conserving enough although we sleep at night, then we wanna waste summore by changing our lifestyle hah? Whatever la.

If we all change our lifestyles like this, the end of the world will come sooner.

But I STILL really wish I don’t have to be barbequed while walking to campus every morning tho.

I’m already medium rare.

update on langkawi trip will happen as soon as i organize my pics and assignments for the trip.

soon.

i hope.

...

sometimes, while living in this world, you feel like wanting time to stay still and not go forward. you want to remain in that moment forever and ever and ever. but im sure everyone had once, when they were very young, had thought "i wish i was grown up", "i wish i'd grow up faster", "i wish time would speed up"

why?? why?? WHY??

someone once told me, "the only people who dont want to be kids, are kids."

i think that makes a whole lot of sense. i mean once you grow up, you realise that adulthood is not all you imagined it to be. you start worrying. stress comes along and waltzs into your daily life as if it belongs there.

at 3 your world is everything. everything belongs to you. people wait on you hand and foot, you dont enough have to worry about dressing yourself.

at 7 you start going to school. by then you have to dress yourself or it would seem indecent, you even have to tie up your own shoelaces! oh god what hard work! but its okay. you say to yourself, im a tough kid. i can take on the world.

at 15 you start to have tougher choices. what to study, how to study, where to study, where should i go, what should i be when i grow up, what do i need to prepare myself for the adult world? here you still think of growing up, to be an adult. because, hey you are a tough kid! you can take it! yeah!!

at 20 you wince. your life of education is nearly over. early signs of stress starts pouring in. on god i dont have enough money to further my education... i didnt get the university i wanted... i didnt get the course i wanted.... u feel you need so many things to continue your life happily.

then from then on, you think...

if i was a kid i neednt worry about this. i wish i was a kid again

...

im very depressed now. cuz i just got my STPM reults today. not that i didnt except it but i suppose im angry with myself for not working harder for a better reult.

what a waste of two years.

this is going to sound like im blaming my fault on everyone else but i wanna say it anyway.

IF I HAVENT TRANSFERRED FROM MY OLD SCHOOL THIS WOULDNT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay. fustration vented.

list of people im blaming:
my dad: for moving the house and forcing me to transferr from a superior school to a stupid one.
the new school : for having BAD administration
for ruining my mood to study in school
for being so stupid and uptight
for having unnecessary rules

tons of stuff about the new school. you probably think by now that im just a brat but if you arent in my situation you wouldnt know.

okay so maybe im unable to adapt myself. but still!

*sigh*

i still KNOW i'll do better if i did not tranfer schools.

if you wanna know why i condemn the school and which school is it (assuming you live in my country) give me a line.

or else i dont see a reason to bother. this is so far just a rant space for me.