Random rant. Pay NO attention whatsoever to the contents.

i’ve always been an introvert. Ever since i could remember I had been wary of people.

yes. Even family members. Cept maybe my mom.

I’ve always gotten along better with animals compared to humans. Even for drawing, I started by drawing non-human objects (i.e. animals). I absolutely HATED drawing human beings when I was young.

I only started liking drawing humans when I got into anime tho. Then when I created my own characters, they could never stay human. They’d be supernatural beings (i.e demons, werewolves, vampires, etc). but thinking of it now I’ve been demonizing my drawings of animals even before I started drawing humans so it kinda makes sense, no?

I was never the get up and talk to people type. The first friend I made in primary school was due to my mom’s influence. Then the first friend I made in assunta was also because she sat right next to me. At that time I remember I felt really, really awkward, with the new surrounding, new school new people and all.

And also the stupid lembik tie my dad got me which looked REALLY weird.

He got me a better one later so, he’s been forgiven.

The first friend in seafield was ALSO because she sat next to me. Heh. 5 years down the road you’d think I’d be better at human communication at form 6.

But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…………………..

I wasn’t.

My friend once said I have this before friend, after friend face.

Really?

Maybe.

And she says I still do.

I’m rarely responsive to people I don’t know that well. I just sit there and listen until they turn their attention to me or I get the courage to talk to them.

Why?

Then as I get closer to a person, somehow I get further away. Like, I start to feel difficulty calling out their actual names. I space out. Its like I’ve unconsciously built an inner wall that blocks me from outside.

Is this my unconscious self being the extreme introvert? I want me to isolate myself and be friendless all my life izit??!

Damn.

Its not like I regret having friends. I love my friends. Its just that at times I do stuff that I’d regret later to them and I never have the courage to apologize.

I think I’m afraid of humans.

I think I’ve psychological problems.

I think I’m on the verge of insanity.

I know I need a psychologist who does not know me.

Like maybe one coming from the other end of the world.