Raya holidays

As many of you know, i did not go back to civilisation this raya holidays, choosing instead to remain in this godforsaken jungle habitat. (i swear the ants in my house are having baby booms)

I'm gonna miss ya fish. sorry that i'm not able to see you off at the airport. (will make added effort to kidnap you when you eventually come back). dont forget to wait for my bananas at UK! you MUST show me proof that you ate them even tho they are bound to arrive mouldy and brown. bwaahahahaah...

one reason why i did not want to go back is because i KNOW i wont be able to do any work at home. i'd spend time going out, meeting friends, playing with my guitar etc...

anything but my coursework.

which is building up and generating dust.

and also what i'm SUPPOSED to do like right now.

and speaking of which i shall get started AFTER this:

I NEED TO WIN THE LOTTERY!!!

why?

lottery -> money -> CAR = freedom!!!

my formula for now. don't disprove it.

maybe i'm new at driving but i really like being behind the wheels.

everyone else who has driven for more than to years has tried to convince me that driving is tiring, straining and boring. (which includes majority of my friends and 2 parents)

maybe i will feel like that after two years. but why not enjoy it when i feel like enjoying it?

here i thank my roommate for loaning me her baby and trusting me so much.

i am really REALLY happy that you are more worried about my well being than that of your car.

i'm fine. REALLY.

maybe i sucked when i drove you off, but on the way back i was okay. nothing bad happened today either when i drove my other friend to the station and back.

i've improved lots compared to the first drive i had in KT. (also after your scolding.)

i feel blessed to have such friends.

fate might have not given me the best in life, but i'm grateful that it did not chose to give me the worst in life, either.

Where are you, Freedom?

I went to Pulau Kapas with my coursemates yesterday. Just came back. Had a Great time. Really. the only reason why there are no other elaborations is because i'm tired.

more tired than before i went to the island.

"A person who needs a vacation the most is one that just had a vacation."

How true.

Anyway, back on topic.

I went there with high hopes of finding my lost feeling of freedom.

I needed to feel free again.

Now that i'm back,

I feel refreshed but exhausted at the same time.

I feel lethargic.

I feel peaceful.

But Freedom eludes me.

Somewhere along the way from F5 to UMT, i must have locked myself without realising it and misplaced my key of freedom.

As it is now, the key is lost.

A spare key exists, i suppose. But i can not and will not obtain it from where it is held.

Freedom

Someone asked me what did i value most in this world.

now, i'm a unsocialable materialistic introvert. so normally when i'm confronted with this question i would answer with either my guitar or my cat.

but honestly, i value my freedom the most.

to be free, to be not tied down by money, work, people.

but this feeling, i hardly get it anymore.

i had the most freedom during my primary school days, and it gradually lessened through my secondary school era and now, it is almost non-existent.

when i first came here i felt it in many little ways.

this feeling lessened in sem 2.

so far in sem 3 i do not remember ever feeling freedom. so much that i have forgotten what freedom felt like, what it WAS.

then yesterday afternoon, i felt it.

i was walking back to the lab empty handed.

then it hit me.

for that one, brief moment, i felt freedom in its outmost glory.

for that one second i felt my entire being relax and an overwhelming sense of peace came over me.

then, as suddenly as it came, it left me.

Leaving me addicted to its taste.

Freedom is peace.

I need to feel free again.

Expectations

Don't expect me to do the best, for i would return your expectation by presenting my worst.

But expect me to fail, and i will show you that i will surpass them all.

i'm such an ironic person. my performance is always inversely proportionate with the expectations people have for me.

the higher the hope they lay on me, the worse i'll turn out.

however my friends are not the type to pijak me and expect the worst.

so normally they'd expect just the average. and that is what i would give.

High expectations give me stress. and i don't function well under stress.

the 7 minutes i spent waiting for my turn to present this morning HAD to be the longest and most stressful moment of my life so far.

endless comments, endless questions, and to top it off he was praised as a good presenter.

i had to top that. i needed to. i failed.

i became nervous.

when i stood before the podium, before the audience, my mind was blank.

i didnt know what i was doing anymore.

i tried to present within my time limit. and in that aspect too i failed.

somehow i became tongue tied and rushed through my slides.

my speed as also worse than ever. i wasn't presenting anything. i was reading the goddamn slide.

then came the Q & A session.

i KNEW the bloody answer. i goddamn KNEW it!

but my brain refused to let me connect the words into a sentence.

how did i let this happen to me? why the hell i HAD, just HAD to be nervous?!

this nervousness came upon me like a bomb, and now i'm still feeling the aftermath of the explosion.

this goddamn nervousness and still resonating within me.

...

My medication can only ease so much of my mood swings. But as it is the frequency is increasing everyday. It’s getting harder and harder to keep it in check and I can only take that much of the drug everyday.

Why the hell is this happening?

Something is clearly wrong with me. I know that.

What the hell can I do about it?

How does someone keep a drowning person whose body is weighed down by an evergrowing boulder afloat?

No matter how many bouyancy devices you provide him, the growing boulder pulling him down will in time, nullify the buoyancy of the person and drag him down deeper.

No matter how many buoyancy devices you give him, one day the supply is going to run out if the boulder doesn’t stop growing.

The solution?

Detach the boulder.

Easy, right?

Yeah. If it was so easily done.

THE drug XD

O.o

aiya.

so many people asking about the drug...

anyways it is still under tests and not fit for public consumption yet. XD

when i patent it i give free samples, okay? haha.

discovered a new attribute of the 'miracle drug' today.

long term usage without interruption from certain materials will cause calming, subdued state.

unfortunately, the certain materials are an unavoidable annoyance in my life right now.

maybe some day i'll grow immune to it.

maybe.

Success!!

It works! It's working!

bwahahahahahaha.........

I can officially say that i have found a 'medicine' for my frequent mood swings.

although the side effect might make me seem high, for a while.

but hey, whatever works, works. okay? its better than me moping around all day.

so now as long as i take care to not miss taking this 'miracle drug' my mood swings will be more or less stable.

*grins*

Enlightenment...

i think i know why i'm having mood swings lately. no, not because i was sick okay.

was testing myself yesterday. and it worked. even though its just a little.

so my mood was that little bit more stable today.

i need to understand myself more.

*grins*