The limit you strive to surpass

I believe that when one tries to surpass one's limit, they do so under the shadow of two role models they created in their lives.

One, it's the perfect version of themselves, who has achieved all their dreams and aspirations, who has everything they ever wanted, who has no other wants because they already have it all.

The second role model is that one person, or persons in their lives who resembles closest to that prefect self they have projected in their imagination.

I myself am chasing these two models. Doing my level best to stand on par with them. But as it is now,  it feels like they are walking further and further from me while I'm chained to the spot unable to move.

I strain myself trying to move. I push myself to surpass these limits I have. It's not enough.

They are moving further away even now. Soon I won't even be able to see their shadows in the distance.

Will I fall and lose everything before reality hits me and tells me it all doesn't matter in the end?

If so, why am I trying so hard?

The imagine of the perfect me blurs at times, and changes from the perfect human being, to just this person with the courage to end it all.

Forever.

Lost

What am I doing with my life?

No. Seriously.  What the heck AM I doing?

Are my priorities straight?

Because honestly,  I don't know anymore.

I feel like every decision I make is wrong.

But I can't know which is the right decision when I have no direction.

What's worse, I have lost the light that had illuminated what little I can see in this dark path I'm struggling on.

The will to live

When someone loses the will to live, is he depressed? Or is he just too lazy to carry on with life?

The law of human nature is denial. Like the real insane people will never admit they are crazy or that those who are drunk will not acknowledge they are drunk, the people who are really depressed will think that they are too lazy to carry on and deny that they are depressed. Same goes to the lazy ones who will use depression as an excuse to not live life.

But why do we carry on with life? I find it pointless.

I have lost the will to do so. I find it totally pointless to continue life as it is.

Why do I carry on with life?

I guess I’m a coward.

I do not dare to end my life.

Now I see the appeal of dying by drug overdose.

I should try that sometime.

"For God's sake, bring me some of the old!" ~Dr H. Jekyll, Dr Jekyll and Mr.Hyde

I remembered about the drug I used years ago while in my schooling years and how long I have not used it.

So I did.

And apparently it had lost none of its potency, or maybe I have grown unaccustomed to it over the years.

This drug has managed to bring my Hyde back to the surface while the substitute I have been taking struggles to even form Jekyll properly.

For the first time in a long, long while; I can feel myself changing back to who I used to be.

Which is not necessarily a good thing personality wise.

But it is easier going through life when feeling nothing.

Is Hyde here to stay?

Cold turkey

I'm not myself anymore.

I need to stop this.

I need to stop my addiction.

I can't handle the withdrawal symptoms.

This will be the death of me.

The people you keep

There are people I push away.

There are people I tolerate.

There are people I try to ignore.

Then there are the people I keep by my side.

Threre's that one person I pray would stay.

Home

Most times I wonder, what does it feel like to go home?

To be home?

The house i stay in doesn't feel that way. 

I don't know how it should feel but it shouldn't feel like how I feel staying where I do now.

I imagine it would feel like how it felt in the place I take refuge in.

But I'm not there often enough.

That is also where i get intoxicated with my addiction.

But reality slams back into action the moment I leave those doors.

I wish I might,  I wish I may. ..

Watching you

I wish I did not have to sleep so that I could stare at you all through the night till dawn.

Your peacefulness in the night resonates with my moods and brings me to a place of peace.

You are my safe place.

The walls I hide behind

I communicate with others from my fortress behind bars through heavily guarded windows.

I talk to you face to face with you by my side.

Sometimes I wonder if you scaled to walls to see me, or did you find the key I threw away?

Or was I the one who was so deeply charmed by you and let you in myself?

Missing you

You have no idea how much i wish i was by your side and you mine at this moment. At any moment. Every moment.

Drug

You have no idea how many times you have saved me since my drug is not working. You are my new addiction.