I rarely look up at people. Not that I’m some pompous, arrogant brat (although that is debatable to some people to some extent), but that people I met rarely give me the chance to do so. Or more specifically, my own weird and abnormal way of classifying people prevents me from doing so.
Most of the time I treat those around me as equals, with the condition that they are 5 years older/younger than me. Any older, I find them hard to communicate with with their extra experiences and stubbornness and un-open-mindedness (to some extent), any younger and I consider them annoying brats and wish to have nothing to do with them (I do have a psychological complex regarding people, I confess).
Anyway.
I try my best to respect everyone that I know and come into contact with (unless, of course, you’re this stranger tourist from a foreign land that think you are so high and mighty that you can do whatever you want on foreign soil just because you come from a richer country and is richer than most of us, or along those lines.)
Back-tracking.
I try. But I’m the “an eye for both eyes, a tooth for your jaw” kinda person. But this has nothing to do with the topic at hand.
What I’m trying to say is, the people who I should be looking up to does not have anything worth looking at. And those I DO look up to, I can count using fingers on one hand. I try very hard to win their approval. I crave it (though I hope I do not do it too obviously ^^ll) and it upsets me when I feel that I do not meet their expectations and that I let them down. But it also hurts that they do not trust me enough to be doing what I’m supposed to do, and to do what I can within my various limitations.
I am not perfect. All I can do is try. And mostly when I attempt something, I give myself an 80% or higher chance of actually succeeding.
I suppose it’s good that I’ve people that place expectations that is my 90-150% (though not now, as I’ve let said people down), but right now my limit is to constantly run at 80%, to go higher than that will warrant a breakdown the next day and I won’t be able to bring out the usual 80%.
I can't really run at 100% everyday. If I do, I can't function at 150% when the situation really needs it. >.<
Do you see that?
I see it. It upsets me that that gaze you reserve for those you disdain has now been deemed appropriate for me. I still respect them. I do. But I need to stop looking up to them, for my own sake.
Thinking about it hurts. And it’s demotivating. That doesn’t help. At all.
Gah. I’m confusing myself. I need my mind to stop spinning.
