don't read this. but go ahead

Tech Toys

2012-02-01T22:42:00.001+08:00

Okay so recently I’ve succumbed to an addiction to touch screen high tech toys. To be specific:

Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1

I know, I know, there are newer versions and this is going to be obsolete fast. But I prefer my touch screens to be big and this is one of the thinnest and lightest tablet computers on the market(compared also to iPad 2 – and I still don’t feel like using Apple stuff).

The other is this:

Asus Zenbook – or something like this

The Zenbook is at LEAST (at lowest specs) 1k+++ more expensive than the tablet. That aside, I’m still thinking if I’ll get used to using a tablet all the time instead of a laptop.

The tablet is: highly mobile, no need to flip open, and has touch screen.

BUT. It’s processor will make it slower than the laptop and I like my tech toys fast. It also comes with low in-built memory storage (I know I can store stuff online but I’d like to access my stuff when the internet is not available – and I don’t plan to get a data plan – yet).

The laptop has: a bigger screen, and bigger (more sufficient) memory space in built, and whoooo~ I’ll SURE to get the model with a decently speedy processor.

BUT. It’s not as convenient. No touch screen. And did I mention 1k+++ more moolah needs to be spent on this brat?

It’s unfair since I’m comparing two totally different genre of things although they are used in more or less the same way.

I suppose I’ll have to consider which will suit my lifestyle more.

Oh well. It’s not like I can afford it now anyway. So I’ll probably wait until more advanced technology to appear so that the price will be reduced.

God knows THAT happens so very often.

New Year, New Tidings

2012-01-23T00:43:00.001+08:00

Chinese New Year is minutes away and so far I’m keeping to my resolution pretty well for the past 3 weeks (lagging in some items, but pretty good overall ^^)

As usual, although before sitting here and typing these words I normally have this HUGE rush of ideas of what to write, but when I actually find the time to sit in front of the screen and start typing, nothing comes to minds anymore.

Erm. Well, the Eagle has taken the bait and it’s digesting it for some three months. And for this reason also I am currently restricted to my rights of freedom of speech, so to this effect please expect more metaphors that I will only be able to explain verbally in person. XD

Also, recently I’ve realized that after staying in Sabah for two months plus, I’ve grown really attached to the way Sabahans speak their malay. So much that now when I speak malay I don’t like using “I” or “You” in place of “aku” and “ko”. The only thing I don’t use would be the suffix “-bah”

This is weird as I do like to speak in rojak language when I’m with people who understand all the four languages I do.

I wonder why. Maybe I just like to use bahasa baku. XD

But I don’t have qualms when people use “kl malay” as they call it.

I try to post a relevant picture in my posts for this year (be it literal or metaphorical) but its late and I need to sleep.

So yeah. ^^

Do Dreams Come True?

2012-01-10T18:49:00.001+08:00

I don’t normally remember my dreams, but maybe this one stuck to my head due to three things:

1. I was driving.

2. I misplaced my car.

3. The person I asked for directions gave me a very “memorable” answer.

So I was driving down a highway, (heading for home, I suppose – I don’t remember) then came a toll booth that instructed Touch N’ Go users to go up a long green flyover – which I did.

Then after the toll I looked for a way to go back down, and it turns out the place led to a HUGE shopping mall with an equally HUGE parking area.

And so for some reason I parked my car and walked into the mall, and subsequently got myself lost.

I tried asking for directions from this bangla in the food court, and he said he didn’t know the way. So I wandered around and found a Maxis centre. The woman inside seemed to know something but couldn’t tell me. Then she said:

“When we worked here, they told us this was the ONLY PLACE THAT EXISTED”

Nevertheless I must have looked so confused that she wrote something on a poster and showed it to me – directions, I suppose, cause I remember going to the carpark later.

Trouble was I had forgotten where I parked my car and had to wander around again searching for it. I was still searching for it when an incoming call woke me up.

Crap. This is definitely ONE dream I don’t want coming true.

Moral of the story: ALWAYS TAKE A PICTURE OF A MARKED PILLAR NEAR YOUR PARKING SPACE.

In another somewhat related note: The Eagle is chewing on the bait.

Hee.

Eagle Vs Chicken

2012-01-05T21:30:00.001+08:00

Nope. I don’t think the chicken, and its stupidly enticing and dangling leash, wants anything else to do with me anymore.

Haha~ I think I ignored that leash for too long~

Anyway, I think the eagle likes me. ^^

Here’s hoping to the capture of the eagle.

Water Dragon Year 2012

2011-12-31T22:37:00.001+08:00

Enter the year of the dragon, the year in which almost all of my friends are born in, and in which most of my friends are experiencing for the third time or more. For lack of ideas in which to better start of my post, I present to you SOHMA HATORI – the Dragon of Fruits Basket ^^

One of my first favourite male characters – Fruits Basket being one of the first animes I’ve been introduced to XD

Tomorrow will also be the first year I will be entering armed with a resolution. Although calling it a “resolution” might be inappropriate as it looks more like one of those “100-things-to-do-before-you-die” lists.

It’s quite short at the moment, but as it’s a list, and me being a greedy human being, no doubt I’ll be adding more things for me to try to accomplish. Haha~

A couple of those would be to write and draw more, a past time of mine that I’ve unknowingly put on hiatus for almost 5 years – the year since I left my alma mater.

Looking back, there are many things I stopped doing since that time. And I believe, by doing so, I left my soul there, causing me to cease possessing some human-like values. Hee.

I’m lucky enough to have some people teach me how to be human again, haha, and with that I remember how it used to be – how I used to be 5 years back.

This time I’m not letting it go. Not ever again.

Oop! On a lighter note, the next year being my first to have a resolution, I am determined to see it through. Wikipedia says that only 22% of the human population manage to complete their resolutions, but I’m not stupid enough to believe that my will is strong enough at the moment to allow me to complete EVERYTHING on my list.

So at some point when I was drafting this resolution of mine, the first item reads “To complete at least 80% of list”. It doesn’t seem like such a huge number then, but as I am typing it now, doubts are arising that 80% is going to be a tall order. (Sign of my already weakening will, perhaps? haha.)

Anyway, this post has been long enough. To those going to battle out their resolutions in the New Year like me, let’s work hard!

And to everyone else:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Unrelated: Few of my favourite characters in an anime I’m following – and also one of my sources for inspiration this New Year, I hope! ^^

Decisions, decisions

2011-12-28T15:31:00.001+08:00

I thinkbecause I ridicule god too much, that’s why it derives joy and enacts revengeby playing with my head.

Why elsewould this company be able to choose the worst possible timing to present theirjob offer to me?

If Iwere to work for them, it would be only for the salary, as I do not see myselflearning anything or staying there forever if there is another option.

To putit simply, this offer is like a bird – a chicken, which allows itself to becaptured ONLY when there are other more tempting species flitting around in thebush.

Ifthe animals in the bush are non-existent, this stupid avian creature disappearsfrom sight as well.

Two weeksago when I made my decision to just be satisfied by this common fowl, andignore those more to my interest that were just beyond my grasp in thatimaginary bush, the goddamned chicken was nowhere to be found.

Despitemy best efforts to locate the animal, it remained elusive. Now that I’ve regainedsome confidence and set my sights on the more magnificent prizes in the bush,this chicken has returned, presenting itself in a cage.

I haveyet to accept it.

Becausethis time, I REALLY want that eagle in that bush.

But harshreality speaks to me. That eagle, being such a wanted and magnificent creature,is truly hard to capture.

Thischicken would make me live a mediocre and money-chasing life.

But thischicken has always been playing with my head.

And nowit’s walking towards that bush, but a leash trails behind it. Telling me thatits way easier to capture compared to that sought after eagle.

AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!AS I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN, I HATE YOU, YOU DEITY ABOVE THAT’S AMUSING YOURSELFWITH THE SHOW YOU CALL HUMANS!

Hypocrite

2011-11-20T23:27:00.001+08:00

I am, in many ways, a hypocrite.

I’ll complain and preach topeople about bad habits or behavior humans have that tick me off, thensomewhere along the road I’ll do commit those sins myself.

I know. I expect every other human being out there besidesmyself to be perfect.

I know it’s unfair. I know sometimes their behavior tick meoff at the worst timings. I know at times they themselves can’t help it. I knowif I were in their shoes I’d be like that as well, and helpless about it too.

But I get ticked off anyway.

That’s how hypocritical I am.

So at times like this I hate myself for being human. For beingunable to be fair. For being a hypocrite.

Mostly for being a hypocrite.

Crap. I know I’m in the wrong. But don’t go about yelling asif you’ve always been right. And just as I found a way to turn my mood aroundcompletely, and feel like sharing that joy with you, you come back and spoutanother load of crap at me.

I KNOW.

But you’re supposed to already forget about it and f*ckingmove on.

YOU were the one who told me to move on. Why can’t you?

And you. Just because you’ve got crap loaded all over you, don’tgo around scooping it up and loading it at someone else.

And me. I hate myself for not being able to control my moodsbetter. I hate my negative moods for being do friggin dominant. I hate thepositive ones for being so positively god damned HARD to drag out.

I get too easily distracted.

I hate it.

Tying up things are a way to be control those things. That’swhy I hate ties that I did not get a chance to consent to. It’s good if I eventuallylearn to tolerate those ties but I never got to it. Maybe, someday, in thefuture? Not likely, at this rate.

I do not accept any bindings besides the ones I’ve personallyplaced on myself.

And you. The one who left all physical bindings. Free fromall who controls you.

Was that why you left?

Have you obtained the ultimate freedom?

I wish to be like you someday, even if the freedom I’veimagined was just an illusion.

...

2011-11-10T11:53:00.003+08:00

was that you?
thank you.
I'm selfish, i know.
but please come again if you can?
I miss you so much.

A tribute to you

2011-11-09T21:40:00.002+08:00

You were born, possibly due to irresponsibility.

Whether directly or indirectly.

By chance, you found your way to me, where you were to be released from this irresponsible world you were bred into.

I took you in. You had no choice but to accept.

I watched you grow.

They said you would be big. Bigger still if you had access to everything you could devour.

I watched you learn all the selfish things I wanted to teach you.

You knew. And you would grudgingly oblige me.

Your freedom was something I took in exchange for my hospitality.

I did all I could, and all I could ill afford, to try to ensure you at least had a healthy life.

I tried to make you happy to the best of my ability.

Were you?

I wasn’t there much after your teenage years.

And after you reached adulthood still my presence in your life was infrequent.

But you were always in mine.

You wandered away sometimes, but you always stayed near.

If you didn’t, you’d still always return.

Back home.

Now you didn’t.

You couldn’t.

I watched you leave.

Did you wait so that I could do so?

I wish you happiness wherever you are now.

I miss you. Already.

I’ll find you. Someday.

If you’d still have me.

Come find me sometimes.

I promise I won’t be scared.

But don’t linger too long, move on when you can.

I love you. Always.

...

2011-10-26T13:41:00.000+08:00

Warning: Look. I’m whining here. Don’t take it personally.

Depressed. It’s my off day. So I shouldn’t be. But I’m depressed BECAUSE it’s my off day.

BECAUSE I’ve time on my hands.

BECAUSE I should be trying to find information on what I want to do.

BECAUSE I don’t know what to do.

BECAUSE I don’t know what I’m doing.

Great. I wrote “because” so many times now it looks like it has the wrong spelling.

If I’m working I would give myself the excuse that I don’t have time to search for these kinds of stuff. But know that I’m home with the whole day (half the day has passed) on my hands and the reality is that I have no idea what to do or search for is coming down on me hard.

That is why I get terrible headaches on my off days.

Crap. I supposed to relax on off days. Not getting headaches and feeling more stressed than when I’, working.

Then to curb this headache I indulge in brainless mind washing to numb the pain.

Then when it’s over, so is the day.

Then I go back to work the next day and tell myself: “I must find something more conclusive to do with my life on my NEXT off day.”

And the cycle begins again.

Humans

2011-10-22T20:22:00.001+08:00

I wanted to write about my first boat trip. And also my convocation. But those things are SO long overdue that I don’t really remember the feelings I had to effectively put them down on paper. I’ll try to write if anyone still wants to know, or I’ll tell them in person, yeah? ^^

Learning from this mistake I’m going to write down whatever whenever I get the feel for it. Haha.

So.

Warning. Sad story.

There was this cat today. The people who brought him in weren’t his owners, yet they were willing to pay for his treatment. The sad thing was, his prognosis was deadly poor, and it was wiser to just opt of PTS. At this point, they insisted that they rather the cat be given treatment, and be given the chance to pull himself through.

It was sad. To see the cat struggle while we tried to help him, believing, no doubt that human beings are going to deliver hurt to him again. Then while he was anaesthetized, while the wound cleaning was underway, his body started to cool. Why did I not take note of this? Maybe if I had given him some towels or external source of warmth he would have pulled through. But then again, the extra unnecessary things on the table would have just obstructed the objective and prolog the GA, further endangering his life.

By the time the cleaning was over, we suddenly noticed that he stopped breathing. The doctor gave him an injection to hasten his slowing heart and pumped him full of oxygen to aid his breathing. He did. It was then I realized his body felt as if he was just taken out from a refrigerator. Immediately we started to prepare the hot water gloves to attempt to warm him up, but he did not survive long enough to let us do it.

How did he end up in such a state? I supposed he should blame himself for being born in a neighborhood where many people disliked felines. It was suspected that somebody poured hot OIL, not water, over him, as water would have dried and only left him with burns.

But no, someone had to use OIL. Oil, which would clump his fur together, too scalding to allow him to lick it off. The oil made his fir sticky, and matted, and allowed for bacteria growth. These bacteria then infected his broken epidermis, preventing his already impossible self recovery.

I don’t get why some people can stand doing things like this. Do they have no heart? Would they do the same to human beings if they disliked them? Or do they think that they are so great that animals are inferior?

I’ve met an owner who told of his experience meeting such an idiot. The owner caught him kicking his dog out of the way, and when he asked why had the man kicked the dog, the man said:

“I don’t like dogs.”

Hearing this, the owner promptly slapped the guy in the face and said:

“I don’t like humans.”

Bravo.

Update

2011-09-24T00:16:00.000+08:00

Wow. Nearly a month since I last updated. But I can’t help it! What with the house shifting, job hunting, convocation preparing and dive license taking, I barely have enough time to sleep.

(heh. Excuse. After all that still got time go FB everyday. Haha.)

Anyway. Convocation’s in two weeks (I think) and tomorrow I’m goin on a day trip to get my convo robe. Have to sleep on a bus for two days and straight to work after. ==ll

Before this I spent 3d3n on a live-on-board. Also not enough sleep, cuz we wanted to maximize dive time so had to wake up early and sleep late. Haha.

Then when finally got on dry ground, my body was so used to the rocking boat that I am still experiencing “mabuk darat”. ~(@.@)~

More on this trip later when I steal photos from the others who went with me and brought their own cameras. Going on this trip gave me another reason to step up on my terribly incompetent stamina level. But more on this later when I have the energy and more importantly, stolen photos to back up my stories. ^^

Recently...

2011-08-31T00:24:00.002+08:00

Ah. It’s been more than a week since I last posted anything! God. Time flies, doesn’t it? Oh well.

I wanted to continue on my blog series but I think I’ll abandon that for now, cuz that’ll take WAY too much time, and I think I’m having writer’s block at the moment.

Not much is going on, besides that fact that I’ve convocation in two months, unable to find a job that will take me out of here and shifting house (yet again ==ll). Well at least I’ve managed to find a job to get by these first (not of many, I hope) few months.

Nothing is going according to plan, but that’s expected. If everything goes well for people like me then there would be no countless surveys asking wth m’sian grads are frequently unemployed.

Then there’s the thing with money. Even though we are fresh grads, even though we are jobless, and even though we do not have independent means of income, the stupid uni for god knows what reason keeps on badgering us for money.

We have to pay to graduate?? WTH?

Wasn’t the THREE YEARS of yuran we paid you enough???

When a letter bearing the uni’s official stamp was delivered I was like:

Yay, finally I get the itinerary to the upcoming convocation.

Then I spotted a red colored paper inside. I thought:

wow, so thoughtful. They even included an invitation card.

Then…

…

Turns out it was a note asking for our graduation fee.

My GOD. Use RED some more. You think you are loan shark meh??

Then few days later the second letter arrived, I thought: Oh, so got itinerary one lar?

To my dismay it was just my final semester transcript and…

…wait for it…

YET ANOTHER form asking for money, this time it was “optional”, asking if I would like my certificates laminated at 3x the market price.

I didn’t want to pay it.

Then my mom said,

never mind lar, let them laminate, then at least if they rosakkan your cert they will ganti.

Ceh. I don’t wanna stay here.

Role Models

2011-08-22T17:09:00.001+08:00

I guess I never really thought of this but, who did I pick, consciously or subconsciously, as my role model?

What makes a role model? What makes someone choose a role model? Everyone’s role model is different. And when you look closely, those who chose the same role models almost always have the same personality. In short, birds of a same feather flocking together. Same species will seek out and idolize their own species. It’s as simple as that.

It is my theory that although you may not be anything alike with your role model, something latent in you tells your subconscious that you have a potential to grow into the shape of that person; and therefore unconsciously your role model is chosen for you because you have that hidden personality in you that you want to bring to the surface.

Ahh… I wanted to write about my various role models here but when I got started on the first one I couldn’t continue anymore. How I considered that person as a role model is much too personal to be blurting it out like this and I imagine the rest would be somewhat the same like this. So I guess I’ll settle with thanking silently all those that I considered to be my role models. They made me who I am today, well, bits and pieces of them anyway.

I didn’t want to spoil the mood in the beginning, but seeing that I’ve already spoiled the mood in the above paragraph, I just wanted to say.

OMG. I’ve abandoned this blog for THREE months!

Haha.

Peace out. ^^

Guard Dog, Wild Wolf

2011-05-24T22:09:00.001+08:00

When one pictures nights when the full moon presents itself, more often than not they will immediately think of wolves howling away towards the heavens. So much, that sometimes one imagines the crying of the beasts even though there was not a sound to be heard.

Tonight was one such night. Somewhere, within the guarded premises of a human town. One canine perks his ears at a sound familiar to him, a long, long time ago. So long, that he imagined that he had forgotten how it had sounded like.

Howls, long and mournful, like a tribute to the ancestors of his kind; but somehow also deep and filled with pride, proud, to be born as one of the pack.

Pride, which he had thrown away ever since he left his freedom, bound by a human for reasons not even himself can comprehend.

As much as he missed his freedom, leaving the pack was something he had never regretted. In that past life of his he was already a lone wolf, living solitarily in the shadows of the pack; so when he decided to leave he did not have any family or friendship ties to break.

Back then, freedom was like air to him. Giving up his freedom for this human merely meant this human’s existence had replaced the importance of that in his life. Even now if he was to be separated for any period of time from his human, suffocation tormented him. Only by her side can he breathe and rest easy.

He sat up and stared at the moon, willing himself to remember how to howl again.

In the distance, the strong voice of the alpha of his former pack rang through the silence, informing the weaker packs of his existence. Challenging, even, any males who dared to take his place.

He let out a low whimper, as his howl got stuck in his throat.

Coughing, clearing his windpipe, he tried again.

This time, a clear, deep howl.

A warning, to his brother, to not lead the pack too near to the only thing he held dear.

A guard dog may not be able to win against a wild wolf, but that fact changes when one party has something he deems worthy to protect even at the cost of his life.

Internship: Day 15

2011-05-15T19:27:00.002+08:00

So early in the morning today I went back to the KK Sports Complex for the finale(?) of the sports day event.

Monkey was there.

Since it was the last day the people manning the JCI booth suddenly appeared with busloads of free bags and gave us some, and mistaking the monkey for an intern of TGC, he got a bag also. Then they also gave me Rm 20 coupons to spend on whatever things that could be bought in the fair, but it so too much and I gave the monkey half.

Harvest of the day: Bread and multiple can drinks aside from the cap and drink already in the free bag. ^^

I interrupt this post for a shot of an eagle-head ray I found in the market the day before but was too malas to upload. LOOK! This is a type of ray!!! HAHAHAHA~

Anyway, back to TGC I had a really really late lunch. Starving tau I tell you. There were some visitors but due to the large number of staff at my usual designated post, I wasn’t needed. So I went pusing-pusing and ended up playing with the snakes.

After that pusing pusing lagi…. And closing time. Went to “Con’s food” for dinner to try the place out. Nice place, but not suited for everyday dining.

I’m gonna go for my second dip in the shark tank tomorrow. YAY ME!

Short, but photos make it better, kan?

Off Day + Internship: Day 14

2011-05-14T19:21:00.002+08:00

Actually I don’t want to post anything on off days de, but the game I’m playing is loading sooo slowly (now 29%).

If you guys free play la. It’s training a duck to race punya game. Very cute!.

http://www.kongregate.com/games/sims5000/ducklife3-evolution

Didn’t do much today la. Play game nia. So yesterday I went to explore town lo. I took one of the intra city buses and went pusing-pusing. The bus driver also very nice, I sit behind him ma, then he tell me this place is where and that place is where.

Oh! My game load finish d! Suddenly very fast!

Okay. So yesterday I went out to navigate town, and the bus that I took only went like half of town so now I only know where are some of the shopping malls.

Lunch went to McD and eat, and honestly, I forgot it was Thursday “McD Coke Glass” Day. I went there saw the long queue, nearly wanted to go KFC makan since nobody there. Then I looked at the glass and thought, well, since I’m here, in town, on a Thursday, what the heck? So I ordered McD and got myself a glass. Teehee.

Actually also wanted to go to the central market but very malas la. The weather was so hot. Then when it cooled down it was time to go back d, sebab I takut jam.

Anyway balik, then decided to go swimming. I think my frog is getting better, but I tak cukup tenaga to maintain the free-style for more than 1 lap at a time. ==

Then at night boss took us to Damai food court to have dinner and listen to Prof Steve Oakley give a talk on “No sharks fin soup”: After that, went home, was so goddamn tired for god knows what reason, so slept early.

It’s almost 4. I can be rajin and go swim since the weather is great. Or I can be malas and go sleep. Or I can be both and sit on a chair read book.

Hmm… what should I do?

Okay. The above was typed yesterday. And today I really malas to take picture so these picture is expired d one ah. Tomorrow I’ll take something to post.

Since this post so long d, I malas want to add more la. Today morning, go market, then in the afternoon, went to a complex sukan where the sports ministry is having some sports day to jaga a “No Sharks Fin” booth.

End of story.

Sorry ha. Very malas hari ni. Want sleep d.

Internship: Day 13

2011-05-11T20:28:00.001+08:00

Today there was a booking for 95 primary school students so I wasn’t needed to go to the market. And tomorrow is my off day so if I don’t update anything tomorrow and the day after, you know it’s because there’s nothing interesting. Planning to go round town esok, so see how la.

Anyway back to the 95 primary school students. There were 4 groups and they were horrible except for one under 6 years (I think) punya. They just made me reinforce my beliefs that I DO NOT like kids and I’m never gonna have them.

The other highlight of the day was I went in the SHARK TANK!!! YAY!!! There was a green turtle in the tank and when I came in WAP the feller gave me welcome bite. ==

So I was struggling to control my buoyancy and clean the glass at the same time until feeding time came. Then the other diver who came with me went up to get the fish and the fish la. Today I malas want to upload so later ha.

I think I should upload picture la. But later la. So now new resolution is to upload a picture with each blog. Anyway I WAS IN THE FEEDING SHOW WEH!!!!

The green turtle seems to love me cause when I tried to go out, it bit me again. And according to a staff, he was playing with the bubbles I blew out, something he never did with the other divers.

Haha.

Hoping that I won’t get lost masa merayau kk esok. ^^

Internship: Day 12

2011-05-10T19:24:00.001+08:00

I didn’t go to the market yesterday but I did today. I think the more times I go the more depressed I become.

Do we really need all these fish?

The market had a lot of fish. Those mud crabs, that I was struggling for MONTHS at a time to collect samples back in Terengganu for my final year project, they were sold here, baskets at a time, all large, all alive and most of all ALL CHEAP.

1 kg went for rm16 –rm20 back in Terengganu, and 1 kg is maybe 3, 4 crabs? The guy here was calling out rm10 for maybe 10-13 crabs in a basket.

OMG.

Then there were the fishes, all so goddamn huge. I mean, these are KL restaureant sized fishes but here, imagine a tuna the 1 metre long. Or a grouper, the same size. I serious! Allt the fishes found here are monstrous! So big!!! And NORMAL people buy them!!!

Last but not least are the sharks I see everyday. Apparently they were caught right after they were born.

ARRGGGHH!!!!!!!!! This is depressing.

Anyway, back to work, the normal people weren’t there and since I did the feeding show twice. I think I’ve got a flow but I need to find a way to end it. the second time I thought I was pretty good. Hee. But none of the staff were watching, so I couldn’t be sure.

Another first today is that I led a Penang group on tour. I don’t know. They seemed okay at first, but after a while they started to be obnoxious. Kept asking, do you eat this, do you eat that? OOH I ate this!! OHH that’s delicious!!!

==ll

Haih. Because of them I was talking non-stop for like 2 and a half hours? I’ve never talked that long without stopping before. PLUS I was staining my voice so I seriously needed to drink something. I hope something got through to them though.

After that I was freaking tired and since the 4 o’clock show was brought forward for the Penang people, there wasn’t supposed to be another show. But a couple walked in and boss wanted a simple show for them. So I went and got ready but they never showed. The diver pun only put on a wet suit and some fish and fed them really really simply. Then left. So lucky la, today close early ^^

Then I reached home at 5. Wow. The weather is so nice! But tomorrow I am scheduled to go down the shark tank so YAY. There’s supposed to be a crowd in the morning so I guess the dive would be in the afternoon?

Looking forward to the dive ^^

Going to play pool/bowling now. Haha. Ciao!

Internship: Day 11

2011-05-10T00:56:00.001+08:00

Today I didn’t end up going to the market as there were no transport, so I stayed behind to do the normal fish technician stuffs. Feed fish, chop fish, and today a NEW event: Check and clean filter pumps.

Being a large aquarium, these filter pumps are not your average aquarium pumps that aquarium hobbyists put in their living room. They used filter stones of different sizes to filter the water. And the filter stones used are coral rubble. ^^

Today was a slow. Slow. SLOW day. There were two entries in the morning and no one came in after 12. I was supposed to practice my feeding show presentation at the 4,00 show but since no one came so there was no show. I’m gonna do it tomorrow at 11.30, probably, if the person who does the show normally doesn’t come in. So yeah, kinda looking forward to that. ^^

Then… oh! I neglected to mention that a senior works here! He’s from the first batch of Marine Biology students! Haha. That’s all I can think of telling about him.

Em. Then because there was nobody in, work ended at 4.30 and I got home by 5. Then boss asked me to go swimming at 5.30. Actually I was really really malas to go, but boss ordered, so, haha.

She is a GREAT swimmer. Right now I’m trying to polish my frog and free style, and after that I’ll ask her to teach me the back stroke and butterfly. ^^ Then she did a really cool water treading style which had was REALLY hard although she tried explaining the theories to me.

So, conclusion, I’m gonna,try to go swiiming, to practice and to build up stamina. I’ve seen her go 20-30 laps around the pool, making it look so goddamn easy. Wow. Haha. I was already out of breath after half a lap. ==

So weekdays I’ll go swimming if I get off work early la. Here very nice, after 5pm there’s no sun and I can just swim until 7pm only it’ll get dark.

Internship: Day 10

2011-05-08T23:55:00.001+08:00

As per usual, every morning for the next 6 weeks I need to be in the market every morning to see what kind of rays/sharks end up on the table. Today, there were SO many rays at the market today. They were all squished into big square containers. I estimate 60-70 rays of different species in the market this morning.

Which got me thinking. Do we need this much fish?

Its getting so sad to go to the market everyday. I mean, all those baby sharks and all those rays? How long can the wild population last like this? I mean, it’s hard to convince people to go vegan, I for one, can’t imagine life without meat. But the magic word of these human dominated times is “sustainable”.

So how do I go about telling them? The people I talk to are middlemen. The people who actually catch the fish are out of my reach. I’m already afraid of the fishmongers getting angry at my daily photo taking as it is. ==ll

Okay, so after the fish market survey there is the afternoon there is the feeding show that I was supposed to do. That guy really wore the Chinese kungfu costume. And…

Jeng jeng jeng…

Comments were: Very good, for a first attempt. Not loud enough.

Personally, I’m not really happy with myself. I went into the show with everything I wanted to say, with the flow with the fact with the everything. Then I started, the diver came out, the audience got distracted, and that threw off my flow. Then while I struggled to get that flow back, as my voice was barely loud enough for it to stretch way to the back, I was passed a mike.

Okay. Use the mike.

Then the thing died on me.

Tried getting it to work. In doing so, lost my flow.

The rest of the show was done looking at what fishes were visible and just blurting out all the facts.

Luckily I was able to find an opportunity to step down and bring a conclusion to the show. So it’s not THAT bad I guess.

I can do better. Haha.

Then in the evening there was this birthday party, so many little bothersome kurang ajar brats came up to site. And there were so many stupid kids running around unsupervised and grabbing everything the wrong way although I tried to tell them not to. ==

I hate kids.

I really do.

I had no idea what to do, talking to them was no point cause they was too excited to hear me; and anyways my first reaction was to just take a stick and bash them so I had my hands full trying to control myself. ==

That’s it for today. Gonna sleep now. ^^

Internship: Day 9

2011-05-08T00:43:00.000+08:00

I actually didn’t wanna update today cuz damn tired d but I’ll give short-short one la. Very membazir, because actually today many interesting things happened, but I’m not gonna elaborate la.

Very basically and simply:

Morning go pasar, ada shark ada ray. Ada Scylla tranquebarica yang bigger than py monster last time.

Afternoon: make bet with staff. He wear like Ip Man tomorrow, then I’ll do one feeding show presentation for him. Clean aquarium tank, very high, very tiring.

Evening: Go watch movie and eat half price cake at hotel with another part-time staff. Handphone died. Charging now. Sleeping soon.

Sorry ha sangat short but I nak tidur sudah. Nite everybody.

Internship: Day 8

2011-05-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

My Google chrome crashed today. I know, I know, this has nothing to do with my internship but I just want to type that. Geram! I was doing research ni!

Today’s market was unexciting, not much to see and not much that’s new. There’s even a stall that I suspect was selling leftover sharks from yesterday cuz that’s the only stall that had ys’s hammerhead sharks. There were plenty of small spotted rays on sale though, and I think the vendors are starting to recognize me. Hopefully they won’t get mad at me until I finish this project la.

Afternoon while no one was in, I figured out a new thing to do to pass the time. I go to the shark tank, stand in front of it, and mentally recite what I would say if I were to give a show on shark feeding. I mean, I’ve memorized all the facts the others give but it’s just a matter of how and when I present those facts. Still working on that, cuz before I get a chance to complete the mental presentation, someone walks in and interrupts me. ==

Erm. I did a fish dissection today. Nothing much, just that the gills are brown instead of red. But not sure if that’s the cause of death cuz the fish was frozen and defrosted prior to dissection. There was a school group today but I wasn’t in charge so I kept out of the way. Well honestly I did try to lead them but… the group did not pay any attention to me so I gave up.

Maybe the highlight of the day is that there is this really funny song. In Chinese is “后来” dunno who sing. But if you know the song, imagine sung in Malay, and the lyrics are talking about geckos. Seriously damn funny. ^^

What else ah. Nothing la. Cannot remember d. I’ll try to write a daily post la. If too short I decide to write something about the place instead of my intern work time. E.g. the staff, the fish, etc.

Okay la. Remember oh ppl, if nampak my msn available can disturb me.

Remember ah.

LOL.

Internship: Day 7

2011-05-05T18:35:00.002+08:00

The highlight of today is the trip to the market. There were hammerhead sharks in today!

Oh yea. I’m not supposed to be so happy about this so yeah. There were the usual black tips and also a some lemon sharks, all with their fins cut off. It’s just so sad la.

Also outside the market there were 7 huge 20kilo manta rays going for… RM1 per kilo! So cheap! They were all sunbathing on the floor, dead, bloody.

And yet again,today was a really really slow day. Nothing much happening. We even closed up early today, 4.30om. Ah… so boring. I can’t even dive until she-boss gives the okay. ==

What else ah… nothing lo. I’m losing interest in updating this d la. Nmaybe I’ll kumpul kumpul everything and write it at the end of the month la.

Internship: Day 6

2011-05-04T17:49:00.000+08:00

Okay. Today, summing it up in one word, was BORING. Not many people came, and half of which was unappreciative of what I’m trying to tell them. Most of the employees are off today, and the place was deserted and empty. It was so boring that I nodded off once or twice in the late afternoon.

But that left the whole place really empty, and I was able to go to the Shark Tank and stand there to see how it feels like. It’s like, wow. I can’t imagine talking there to a crowd of people. But that’s not to sat I can’t. Maybe I’m just not used to the place. Cuz last time back in uni all presentations were carried out with some kind of table, rostrum, etc. This? This is one big open space in front of a see through glass.

Standing there I think I can handle the factual stuff, just the presentation. That, I know I will get better through practice. However I hope I can be the one behind the glass, diving and feeding, and not the presenter, haha.

Okay. That was the afternoon part. Finally today morning I went to the market. Only one fishing vessel came in today so there was not many fish and therefore demand is high for low supply and so prices were skyrocketing.

Wait. That wasn’t what I went there to do. I went there to survey the fisheries. Oh My God the tuna there was SO big. Then there were some stalls selling barracudas!!!

I was there to see what species of sharks and rays were caught and ended up on the table. Sharks were hard to identify as all the fins were chopped off, and without fins it’s a lot harder to identify the shark. So I took some pictures to see if I can compared them to an ID book I have later.

Rays were even worse, none of the rays on the table was whole. They were all chopped into little tiny pieces and placed on plates for sale. I took pictures of those as well, but I didn’t realize I needed to photograph the patterns behind them so the pictures are actually virtually useless.

This much said, I now know how to take better and more proper pictures so I’ll put that to practice tomorrow. Part of my internship is to visit this market every morning to monitor the volume of shark and ray landings. Different from Terengganu, this place does not have turtle eggs. It seems the locals do not eat those, preferring shark fins and ray meat.

Could the reason behind this difference be the population ethnicity?

Oh yeah. It was a slow day, so we closed at 4.30pm. Right after we declared closing, a wedding photographer came with a couple to take wedding pictures.

The bride had to be wearing 3 inch stilettos!!

Aiya. Kalau I pakai tu, belum jalan pun sudah jatuh.

This couple not nice to look at. The one back at the apartment is better entertainment. Hahaha…

Aiyo. This blog cannot let them discover weh… I’m gonna remove my facebook link to my blog now since ada staff yang nak add me.

Internship: Day 5

2011-05-03T22:59:00.001+08:00

Okay, so today, before I do anything else, I’m gonna start on this. The pasar trip didn’t come to realization cuz there were not enough space in the transport. Then she-boss said to go tomorrow, so I got assigned to wash a really dirty tank. Halfway through she came and said, ok, I’ve found transport, let’s go! But since I tengah wash tank tu, jadi tak jadi pergi lah.

So then she asked to meet her at the swimming pool back at the apartment for swimming lesson. Apparently my breathstroke and freestyle punya coordination is all wrong and she corrected me on that. Then suddenly I got myself a swimming session every week Tuesday. Haha.

Rushing back to The Green Connection for the afternoon feeding, so kesian, the animals kena go hungry one hour because of that, I don’t know if it’s my way of feeding, or the volume I’m feeding, the animals in the turtle rescue tank started to fight over the food. Especially 52(the name of the biggest hawksbill turtle) started bullying the other two smaller hawksbill and the bamboo sharks in the exhibit for the fish. Or maybe they were too hungry.

On a separate note: Garu seems to be quite used to me as well. Today he kept following me around, although I was rounding the exhibits. So cute!

Also today boss took us to dinner. Wao. 4 persons, 5 dishes. Inclusive of prawns and sotong. The supreme pork chop is REALLY good. If ada chance bawak ppl go eat there. Remember I say boss and gf very sweet? Now I think they two very also cute together la. They oh, keep trying to ask me drink beer only. Bad influence. Haha.

Em. So that’s all the report I can think off for today. Well then.

Off to the pasar tmr!!

Internship: Day 4

2011-05-02T21:29:00.002+08:00

Ah. What should I say today? Normally my posts are typed more or less right after I return from work but today for some reason I was really tired (although today was no different from the days before) and had a nap RIGHT after I returned home.

More like flopped onto the bed and fell immediately asleep. LOL

Erm. So this morning one thing interesting was I saw Garu, a male black cat, VERY beautiful, VERY manja, VERY cute go look at a hamster tunnel exhibit. He just planted his butt there and stared and the hamsters running around through the glass, occasionally pawing it.

The rest of the day, I hung out at the “Touch and Feel” section. That place seems like the main place I can be found at the moment cause there’s nothing for me to do anywhere else. Sometimes, when I feel bored and extra hardworking, I’ll walk down to the turtle exhibit and look for people. Failing to find people I’ll just hang out with the staff manning the snake exhibit. And play with snakes. shhh… don’t tell my boss(es). haha.

I was told today that I would have extra assignments to do: one, to make a poster about the biology of sharks and two, I’m no longer gonna do any morning feeding cause I’ll need to go to the local market and get information on the local fisheries, which, at the end of the internship I have to write up a report.

Guess I’ll have something to write about tomorrow. Day at the market! haha.

I need to learn how to let go and enjoy myself more.

I also need to research on that feeding show in case they suddenly spring it on me. But the way I see it, I’m the fifth in line so unless they really want me to do that show, there’s not much chance of me doing it. BUT, everyone other than my boss seems to really want me to start trying… hmm.

Aiya. My posts getting shorter and shorter hor? Come la come la. Anything you all want to ask just ask la... XD

Internship: Day 3

2011-05-01T21:50:00.000+08:00

Wao. I memang teramat sangat semangat ni! I suppose it’s cause it’s the first week, and many new stuff are happening, so many there’re many stuff to write about also. Hmmm…

I wonder if I can just continue writing a post a say like this then at the end of the internship just copy paste into the internship report that I’m supposed to be writing?

Anyway as I said yesterday there was a large group of locals coming today with the main aim of joining the coral replantation program they have here.

Tomorrow they’re gonna shift those artificial coral blocks back to the sea, but since I’m needed here for more briefing, I don’t get to go! Ahhhh~ I wanna go dive and replant coral also~~

Anyway. Today was the first day I’m working with nice-boss. I clocked in half an hour earlier today cause he needed to arrive early and break corals for the huge coral replanting group that were expected to arrive later in the afternoon. Scary-boss is still scary, and I didn’t see him often today, but when I did, he was talking to other people and his tone was somewhat the friendly type.

I forgot what I was doing in the first half of the day, probably walking around looking for visitors or manning the “Touch and Feel” section. Then came the major assignment of the day, manning the turtle exhibit. It was abit hard cuz the people who came where of mixed races, and I had to use BM most of the time. My spoken BM being of a limited vocabulary, I ran out of things to say pretty quickly. But that was okay, cause the three groups of people were more concerned in finding sharks to look at than looking at the three very cute hawksbills that were under my care at that moment. So I pretty much ended up explaining the supporting creatures in the tank: fish and lizard shark, just cause they were more visible to the visitors than the turtles are, and they tend to look at moving things.

They are more interesting than boring turtles eating sand. ==ll

Anyway, to people who DID listen, I was talking more on turtle biology: what they eat, where they live, how many types etc.

I still find I work better with small groups of people. Like <6? But no more than 10.

Today’s fish feeding show was a bit more unique as she-boss was doing an extra on fish bombing and coral protection so ada special sikit lah. I really like listening to her talk lar, the accent is very nice to hear.

Then today nice-boss and gf bawak go dinner again. aiyo, I also like tengok-ing they two together la. so sweet! haha. very nice people. nice-boss also has a lot of wisdom words as well.

Sometimes working with these people I get a bit stressed while talking to them, cause I’m not confident that I can deliver what they are expecting of me. or at the very least, what I think they are expecting of me cuz I don’t know what they are expecting actually. but I’m sure it’s more than what I am showing them now.

But okay, I’ll work on it. very hard. XD

Internship: Day 2

2011-04-30T19:51:00.001+08:00

Aiya, dunno if for the next two months I will be so rajin or not everyday tulis satu post. Anyway. Today was fun, in a word. A bit more traffic since it was Saturday. Gonna be a huge crowd tmr but more on that later.

so I walked to work, took around 15mins but if I wanna take my time n enjoy then 20-25 mins earlier I need to leave la. Arrive d, start feeding the fish. Pellet throw here throw there nia, very boring. Then cut real fish for afternoon feeding. The fish all beku, very hard to take out. Cannot sekaligus dissolve all the ice also, cause nanti too soft also very hard to chop. Haih.

After that cuci aquarium se lo. The fish department ppl loghat Sabah VERY heavy, at first very hard to understand them but after a while okay d (I think) or else I’ll show blur face and they will laugh and repeat. Haha.

Then for the most part of the day I was assigned to take care of the “Touch and Feel” exhibit. I kept on reciting the same thing again and again to different people, some who appreciated it and some who don’t. for those who appreciated it then okay la, those who don’t will look at their watch, look at their wife, look at their kids, look and the entrance, and then when they look back at me their face will have the “can you stop talking to me” look. If got people like that then I cepat-cepat habiskan whatever I’m saying and don’t peduli them d lo.

The people I work with all very nice la, just the 3 orang putih bosses ada problem sikit. One haven’t work with him yet but he seems okay, One very scary until nak greet him pun kena think tiga kali, one never see her cause she in charge of paper work, but I like the way she talk, ada unsur-unsur sarcasm. But she’s really serious and work oriented so I can’t have a normal conversation with her. But since they are higher ups then I dowan to layan them so much la. Not that they are around often enough for me to layan also. ==ll

Okay, back to the huge >100 people crowd tomorrow. They’ll be coming in 4 groups, and I’m supposed to tell them about turtles and conservation. Reminder to self: Read up on turtle biology and conservation. I hope I don’t end up being a promoter for SEATRU, since I’m gonna wear the shirt and all. Actually I nak wear the TCC shirt de, but I’m not in charge of the terrapin section so whatever la. But maybe I should read up on terrapins, too. Just in case.

One thing I’ve learnt here is, if I wanna continue working in this line of employment, I have to read. And read, and read and read. So yeah. XD

So I’ll start with: Turtles.

For tomorrow.

Internship: Day 1

2011-04-29T22:12:00.001+08:00

I interrupt the previous series to start on this one: my internship in The Green Connection, KK.

Okay. Day 0 was okay; my boss picked me up and sent me to a fellow staff’s apartment where I would be staying for the next two months. Got settled in, all was great.

Then came Day 1. So boss picked me up for work, one time only offer, I get to walk ten minutes to work from here end on, but never mind. Showed up for work, had the grand tour of the place, got handed over to lots and lots of different staff, all telling me what THEIR department and they are responsible to do, ALL different. Got blur.

Officially I’m in the FISH department. Unofficially and realistically, I’m gonna touch on everything else. I don’t mind, but I would like it very much to have a timetable or a job scope of such. I answer to so many people I don’t know who to prioritize cause this is not in a hierarchy level kinda organization. All my bosses at the moment are heads of their own department and the head of all these heads is a money-throwing organization whose butt sits in a grand chair in an air-conditioned room and whose face(s) and name(s) I will never get to see in my two months here.

Anyway my first assignment was to get to know all the workers there including admin and cleaners and security guard and etc. I have yet to know if I pass the assignment as judgment shall be passed tomorrow at work.

And um. I’ll say this for those who understand the feeling. Over protectiveness will make people feel unnecessary awkwardness. If anyone is interested in the story then I might consider writing it, but right now I’m too tired to go into detail.

On a different note:

I might get to SCUBA dive! Feed sharks! Plant coral! YAY!

Depending on circumstances, though.

Presently walking in the past: Prologue

2011-04-25T00:11:00.001+08:00

As I sort out all my things that I left lying around, physically and electronically, I realized how many things happened in the three years I have been here.

Three years ago I initially threw away my appeal plan because I was offered a course for three years. Had I appealed and won, I would have gone to another place for five years.

Looking back on how much fun I had in these three years, made me wonder, for an instant, whether I should have appealed for that five year course. If I did, then I wouldn’t have to taste the numbing ache of separation so soon.

I would have another two years to be with my friends.

But then again, if I HAD won that appeal and left for that five year course, I wouldn’t have met the bunch I’m with right now. Chances were I could have suffered for five years as a loner as I always had been, instead of gradually coming out of my shell during these three years alongside influence of the friends I made here.

The friends I’ve made here won’t be there.

Of course I have no basis to whether my life would be better or worse had I transferred, but know this, had I the chance to rewind and redo everything over, well I won’t lie, there ARE a great many things I would like to do differently, but I wouldn’t have considered appealing to transfer away from you guys.

Had I made that decision, I would never have gotten to know all of the people I have gotten to know. Sure, as with any community you exist in, there are people I like, people I didn’t like so much, and people I plain just didn’t care about.

For the people in the first two categories: Hey. I am really grateful that I got to know you guys. ^^

Like I said, many things happened through the years, and many changes happened to. Also, while I AM still the person my pre-u friends knew, at the same time, I’m not.

I think these three years of human interaction and events have made a difference to who I am and how I act.

I’ve changed. In some ways for the better, I hope.

But I’m not gonna deny that there are parts that became worse.

I’m still me.

But I wonder what I would mutate into in the next two months. ^^

Following this post would be a walk down memory lane through these three wonderful years. I just hope I remember every detail that mattered to me.

幼稚?成熟?

2011-03-28T20:15:00.001+08:00

也许你觉得我现在很幼稚，谁的话都不肯听。特别是你用心良苦，以自以为是很成熟的脑袋所想出来非常有道理的话和想法。

那么我也想问你，你；自认是个很成熟的你；如果你连一个幼稚的人的想法都不肯耐心的去听，去了解；那么你又跟那个你认为那个幼稚无知的人有什么分别呢？

是，你绝对有权利发表你的意见。不过，当别人用理去推翻你的想法过后，就请你用你那个非常非常非常成熟的脑袋去提出另一个辩论吧。

因为当你一直不服输地去重复同一个句子的时候，是很烦，并且很令人讨厌的。

我想再问一次，这个时候；你这个非常成熟的人有跟很幼稚的人有什么分别？

我承认我不是很成熟，不过我觉得我不会幼稚过你吧。至少当成熟的你一直在发表同一个意见的时候；我回你的每一句都是带有道理的，却又是不同的。

当然我也承认我的道理可能不是像酱成熟的你能够领悟的。但至少我不会像个白痴似的，一直都只会重复同一句话。

再来说，成熟又有什么好？

成熟，天天都要烦这烦那。

幼稚，都把明天的烦恼等到后天才舍得担心。

成熟，不但不能太自私地一直照顾自己；而且连身边喜欢的，讨厌的，阿猪阿狗阿羊阿牛也要理。

幼稚，为自己活就好啊！喜欢的话把整颗心拿去付出。讨厌的话就完全不理也不用内疚。自己开心就好啊，干嘛要去亏待自己，让自己难受？

是，每个孩子都会希望能快点长大。不过，你又看到那一位成人是完全没有回想过童年时无忧无虑的时光吗？

也许我写的东西你根本都不会认同，甚至明白；因为毕竟你是太成熟了。

你开心就好。

而我，我也自己开心就好了。

I hate (certain) human beings ==ll

2011-03-25T12:52:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it’s not that I don’t want to keep up with the latest news, however in local papers ALL they bloody talk about is politics and show off their brainless-ness. I mean. How stupid can you get? I can’t imagine how some people can be so goddamn moronic and say something totally stupid and still think that they are saying something intelligent enough to mask their ALREADY VERY apparent idiocy.

I can’t read local news without getting pissed off at the people sitting in high places.

Am I to blame for being too liberal and open-minded, or are they just plain stupid?

Okay, condemn people who are different from you. For all I care it IS your right. But please don’t’ try to FORCE others to condemn them as well. That’s certainly out of anyone’s jurisdiction.

We can like whatever we like, whenever we like, and whenever we like.

It’s our freedom.

But then again, to you guys, freedom doesn’t mean anything. Does it? Here, everything has limits. And that applies to freedom as well.

WTH. Freedom is the ONE thing you can’t put a limit on. Or else it’s not bloody hell called freedom! It’s like saying “hey, I’m giving this to you for FREE! You are FREE to do whatever you want with it! But?? Jeng jeng jeng… you have to pay me something, and you can’t use it for blah blah purposes.”

Hell that’s a goddamn rule. RULE!

I don’t care what you think. I don’t care where this godforsaken piece of land is heading. I’m totally in favor of some natural disaster wiping the ENTIRE human race out. Leave NO survivors. But if the end of the world doesn’t come, I still want out. What? Did you think I appreciate being here so much that I would tolerate being called an outsider although I am not? Damn you. I’d rather be rightfully called an outsider some in some other place.

What I would just LOVE to see is this land being filled with ONLY people like you. Then I want to see how long it lasts. I want to see the internal disaster that will most certainly rain on you brainless idiots.

I want out.

What is "home"? Where do YOU find it?

2011-03-17T13:26:00.004+08:00

One of my friends was remarking to me that he wouldn't , in any way in the world spend an extra unnecessary second in campus, preferring rather to return home and do god knows what. This got me thinking about how I enjoyed doing exactly the opposite.

Sure, your own room might be great, but when you have a roommate that you do not wish to disturb or just want to do something you don’t want anyone else around to bear witness to; or that the said room is terribly, terribly small; this could pose a problem.

For me, it’s limiting my privacy. My space. My freedom.

Freedom, to me, is like air.

Staying at campus is not all that bad, considering you get to do everything you can in your own room. Plus the electricity is FREE to boot, and especially if you find a large area with an air conditioner.

Now, tell me how does the above scenario appear in any way inferior as opposed to your own room?

It’s public, yes. But you can always walk away to find some place that are less occupied by humans. Or, if there WERE humans, they are most likely to be strangers so there are no worries (on my part) about disturbing them. I mean, it’s public! Everyone has a right to this place, so as long as you do not go around making any other person feel like killing you, you’re good to go. Loud music? Use your goddamn earphones.

Come to think of it, school would be a better place for me to call home. Sure, home gives you comfort, but true privacy and freedom you can ironically only find on public grounds. Ever since primary school, I spent most of my waking hours at school. I’d wake up at 5am and stay at school, then return home at 7pm for dinner, a bath, and sleep. Same goes to secondary school where I’d go early around 6am and stay back until 6pm, regardless of the session I was in.

Hm. No wonder I’m not attached to home. I was never in it long enough. Haha.

However this changed drastically when I went to pre-U education. I couldn't bear the thought of staying in that place. I’d go late and do all in my power to escape early. I’d fake illness just to avoid going there (something I have never, ever done before this). I suppose its not fair to the school or its students, cause I never really did give the school, or myself a chance to accept the reality that I thought was hell for that 1.5 years. But it didn't help that the teachers were limiting my freedom so much that I was suffocating.

Quite literarily from the moment I stepped onto school grounds, I would have difficulty breathing. The atmosphere there to me was so heavy and dense that I really felt my soul leaving me every time I entered the place. Only hours after I left that compound, safely in my room, that I would feel my soul reluctantly returning, and I could breathe normally again.

It was only during these times that I felt home was truly home.

I never had this problem anywhere else. Including here. Going to these places were like a wave of fresh air, a limitless space where my wings can spread.

Maybe the true problem was space. My primary and secondary school had a big compound, and a field that I was , and still am, greatly proud of. It’s not to say that I was the kind of person to go running ON the fields, but I liked to see that space before me.

That place however, was small. The field belonged to the neighboring school and I could only look at it behind bars. On top of that I was confined by the rigid laws and teachers of the school. My wings were clipped. It hurt.

And now that they have finally healed, I am never letting anyone else destroy them again.

If and when I see fit, I will give them away myself.

But until then, they will remain mine.

I am.

2011-02-28T14:45:00.002+08:00

I am someone without the best of manners.

I am someone without the best of tempers.

I am someone without the best of patience.

I’m someone who will never even touch the base of the best in all these attitudes. In fact, I will admit that I fail completely at trying to polish these attributes and among them many others that are assumed to be positive mannerisms in humanity.

I am someone to hold a grudge, even long after I forget how that grudge existed in the first place.

I am someone who forgets the good in people, not that it is done in purpose, but except for those I actually pay attention to, I see no need to purposely remind myself of how much I am truly indebted to them.

I am someone who assumes the worst in people, often at the first glance, so that sometimes I can just convince myself that they are not worth knowing when they really are better than how I will ever be.

In these negative attributes, however, I am king.

If I hate you, I won’t pretend to fawn over you.

I’m not god, nor am I a saint.

I can’t forgive and forget everything that has ever happened and stand strong for those that will probably recur.

I am not a human.

I can’t put on a mask every single day and look you in the eyes when I have decided that I want nothing to do with you anymore. Don’t push me.

Science says I am an animal. My spirit tells me I am not human.

Animals display their emotions directly. If a cat dislikes you, he walks. If a dog hates you, he bites. If a snake decides to, he kills.

No. animals never hide their emotions.

The Edge

2011-02-23T17:36:00.002+08:00

Have you wondered what pushes someone off the edge?

Or, WHAT was it that put that person ON that edge to begin with?

And WHY did that kind of thing have the power to put that person on the edge?

HOW did that person allow that thing to affect himself like this?

So in the end, who’s to blame for pushing the person over the edge?

The person?

Or the “THING”?

You see, when you read in the papers about someone commiting suicide, you’d think: He’s so stupid. But what you don’t think is: WHAT the heck MADE him this stupid?

Sure, you’re responsible for your own actions but doesn’t the source that triggered that action in a way to be blamed? The said source might have made him unable to live while staying true to him principles; unable to face his family, friends; driving him into an act of crazed desperation.

Humans are weak creatures. Most of them are unable to fully utilize the blessing of an intelligence they have received and often succumb in a moment of mental weakness. The only thing that differs humans from animals is their mental capacity.

So when humans take this blessing for granted, they are worse than animals. However, scientifically, humans ARE animals, so saying this statement more often than not insults the intelligence of animals so much more than they impact the former.

Suicide, or the attempt of one, in one form of the mental weakness humans all display. The one standing on the edge is often portrayed as the victim, where his mental weakness drives him to his predicament. A lesser acknowledged side of the “victim” is that he is the mastermind, preying upon the mental weakness of those around him who cares.

I say, leave these humans be. If he is the former, then he is stupid and weak enough to allow something other than himself to take over and influence his life to the extent of ending it. If he’s the latter, then, need I say more? These kinds of people need and deserve no sympathy from the general public. Realize that it is a waste of time to save them as this would only keep another donor with weak mentality in the gene pool.

We don’t need that.

There are enough stupid people in high places.

Black Wings

2011-02-13T02:30:00.001+08:00

For birds, their wings literally represent their livelihood. And for ravens, they take humongous pride in their strong flight feathers.

So when one proud raven was broken by an accidental shot by a newbie hunter, he dragged his shattered pride of a body to the nearest shelter he could find. As it turns out, he fell near one of the bird parks.

As he hid under the shade of the foliage, he realized that the stray bullet had destroyed his feathers. As he was dwelling on his misfortune that he wouldn’t be able to fly any time soon, he realized that he was also really lucky that the bullet has not broken any of his pinion bones.

As he lay in the shadows watching the other birds in the park, he dwelled on how he used to envy them, being fed at set hours in a day, and never having to go hungry or look out for predators. He, on the other hand, had to forage for food to fend off starvation, always keeping his guard as lowering it by even just a fraction would result in death.

He watched the regular exhibited birds around him, some glad for this life of captivity for the price of flight. But there are also others, like him, who would stare into the vast skies for hours on end, dreaming, of the freedom they once had.

He should only be so lucky. After all, he would regain his wings one day. The others would never have the chance.

For that day, for his freedom, he would wait.

Wait for the day he would regain his place in the blue sky.

His wings.

His pride.

His freedom.

Inn. Footprints. Beach. Sand. Driftwood. Friends?

2011-01-28T20:46:00.000+08:00

A guy I knew referred to himself as an inn. Where people come and go, sometimes leaving an impression, sometimes not. Sometimes leaving in a burst of anger, sometimes returning again for the hospitality of the host.

I don’t disagree.

But this description doesn’t apply to me.

See, in an inn, all of them who enter are guests. The host remembers, or at least, have records of who came and went. The host welcomes all these people and inadvertently expects more to come. He is their attentive host, and they are his important guests.

Me? I’m not as organized as an inn. I do not keep tabs of people in my life, and I certainly do not unconditionally welcome them with whatever hospitality I may possess.

No. People walking through my life are certainly not guests. Strangers. Visitors. Trespassers.

Imagine the fallen bark of a tree, lying in a sheltered, dry area of some secluded beach. As easily the wind blows bits of sand onto the piece of lumber, they fall off just as easily due to the lack of attachment.

As time goes by, the piece of wood is discovered by some birds as a suitable place to nest, and nest they do, periodically visiting during the nesting seasons. The first of friends to the wood due to their frequent visits. ^^

Then one day, development attacks the area, as how it has destroyed many others, and this block of wood, regarded as useless garbage in the face high-end construction materials such as metal and concrete, is cast into the sea.

This piece of driftwood is then at lost, thrown in a totally new environment against its will. Detesting the alien feel of the seawater lapping around it, it sinks and buries itself deep in the benthos, hoping that sand at the bottom of the sea will provide some relative familiarity if its old environment.

There were many gastropods there to meet as well, considering that benthos do not normally migrate very far. Perhaps the most notable is the hermit crab, who broadcasts his shift to a larger home every time his ego grows larger than his head.

It takes some time but finally the driftwood, used to the dampness of the ocean, resurfaces into the sun again. What it doesn’t realize that life in the pelagic zone is MUCH different than the benthic. For one, the community is more diverse. Each and every day the driftwood meets new plankton.

Sometimes they drift past, sometimes they attach themselves. These are known as barnacles. As more barnacles attract more of the same kind toward the driftwood, suddenly it realized that everything it does has an impact on the world around it. Yeah, so the impact may be small but subtly it affects everything around it, and also, itself.

The wood just drifts along as the waves usher it along and finally it was deposited in another beach during the tidal change. The migratory nesting birds from its first community finally find their long lost friend, and the driftwood discovers many other benthos similar to the ones it encountered while laying low in the benthic community.

Occasionally, it meets some of the fleeting plankton of its early driftwood days via ballast water discharge, but encounters of this kind are few, if any.

Now this piece of driftwood lies on the beach, covered in barnacles that couldn’t be removed even if it wanted to, but every now and then the rotting layers of wood gets chipped off, and with it, a barnacle. But it’s okay, because, every once in a blue moon, the high tide splashes onto it a compatible nekton larva, and it settles despite everything and grows into yet another barnacle.

Yeah. Life is good. ^^

...

2011-01-15T23:29:00.001+08:00

There are times when I just wish for the financial stability I need to escape humanity. When you are in the mist of it, you can’t ignore the majority to just please the ones you care about.

Why?

‘Cause most of the time, those that you wanna care about, care about those that you don’t. Sure they’d have some similar interests, but as they are in the end, not YOU, they tend to have their own thinking, their own ideas about what they should and should not give a damn about.

So, it's just a question of to what extent do you want to compromise your patience to entertain those you have no interest in for the sake of those you are close with, or closer to?

Twisted Logic

2011-01-13T23:31:00.001+08:00

Ever since the first time I could remember being exposed to humans, my way of thinking has ALWAYS been different from the norm. Of course there would be times when these thoughts would coincide but for most of the time, my rationality is almost always questioned.

I admit I do have a twisted mind, but if people would just stop rejecting my seemingly insane idea long enough to hear my reasons behind it, maybe they would see the logic of it. Granted, not many in their right minds would accept my rationality but I’m used to that.

But then again who’s to argue what’s right here? Why is the majority always right? If the majority decides that jumping of cliffs hurling towards their deaths – like lemmings, is right, does that mean the remaining who don’t jump off cliffs are insane? But then again, with the majority dead, the live ones would be the majority, would it not? And that would make the survivors revert to “sane” status.

Ah, the inconveniences of peer pressure. Just because I’m the only one who thinks like I do, I’m the one who’s twisted. In this world of straight thinkers, I’ve tried in recent years to iron out the twisted-ness of my thoughts to try to understand the minds of these people. And I do, to an extent. I somehow automatically see any situation in two or more angles from different perspectives. Note that these perspectives are made from straight minds. When I’m in the picture, the situation twists, I draw incorrect conclusions due to my incorrect predictions. This is not, in any way, to imply that I think creatively or critically; I just think differently, twisted-ly.

A light hearted example is that on the topic of wasting food, people would try to bring the sinners on a guilt trip by saying at each grain of rice is the hard work, sweat, and blood of farmers. I agree to this, but I feel that this example is irrelevant as these same farmers are already paid for their hard work before the harvest reaches our tables. And so, it is in my opinion that these farmers are out of the equation and should not be used to guilt innocent, but bratty idiots that waste their food. It would be better to just starve these brats into non-wastage instead of using guilt.

I understand if the world doesn’t accept my twisted logic. Twisted, yes I know, but logical nonetheless. (If only to me). But just as I do not force you to understand my way of thinking, please don’t force me to accept yours just because you think it is “the right way to think”.

To this sense I really envy Daria Morgendorffer, to be able to live in her own world her own way in that wacky world of jocks and cheerleaders she has to put up with each and every day. I suppose her landing a friend (Jane Lane) who shares the same mindset takes some edge off the isolation she’s otherwise bound to experience without. Sure, they are outcasts of an otherwise shallow society, but they are a PAIR of outcasts that can share their anti-social policies together. How’s THAT for irony, huh?

I suppose that would happen to me in the case I cease my part in my compromise to be straight. A more antisocial outcast than I am now. But the price to be paid for that breach of compromise would be dear, and, as I have slowly grown accustomed to what little social life I have, it would be lonely, I guess. *sigh*

And so, I continue to uncurl my way of thoughts for the benefit of my company at the moment and leave my twisted-ness to those who I know can handle it. If thinking straight brings me too much stress, I simply stop. Stop thinking. Shut down.

I can then unleash my twisted brain in all its glory here at some later date.

Rambles of an Insomniac

2011-01-07T02:46:00.001+08:00

I don’t know why I only get the feel to write when I am at the most inconvenient of times. Times such as this, where its 3am in the morning and I should REALLY be sleeping but each time I close my eyes I think of this subject and suffer from insomnia.

That, and also there’s some other stuff in my mind I can’t put down.

Might as well put down and get over with the things I CAN put down, huh?

Recently I feel that I’ve been censoring too much, if at all, things from my posts. Serious censors include not even putting what I think into words and posting it. But should it be this way?

I know that blogs, for some, are supposed to be entertainment for others.

Some write to amuse others.

Some write to update others on their lives.

Some write to directly or indirectly tell others how they feel about them, whether positively or negatively, etc.

Note the keyword: OTHERS

Which bring me back to the purpose I write a blog.

While I do the abovementioned items, I DO NOT write for the sake of others.

I simply do not wish to have to express my thoughts while trying to predict what others are gonna think about it. About me.

But lately, I’ve been doing that. And that led me unable to post some of my thoughts publicly.

Sure, I would like it very much that people read what I write (It’s a writer’s thing). But sometimes what makes it good is the feeling I invest in my words, and when I think of others too much and censor everything, it becomes theirs. Not mine. Theirs. And when that happens, the feel has already been long dead.

I suppose posting your inner thoughts would be a form of vanity, but then again, which human being has none of that? One of the seven sins (PRIDE), it is simply a package that comes together with being a human.

Now up till here my thoughts have been distracted to ramble on to other topics at least trice, but I still need to get this blog thing off my chest.

Let’s just get ONE thing straight first. I write for ME, and no one else. How anyone else wants to interpret my writings are THEIR problem, not mine.

I’m no good with spoken words. Mainly because my mind can’t think as fast as I can speak, but it can at least keep up with the speed I write. Many times I keep quiet in an argument with whomever, it is not because I have seen the opponent’s point of view, but it is because I have run out of words to make whoever see and understand it from mine. So it is times like this that I give up trying to help them understand the situation through my eyes.

So I use this.

I do not write with the intent to let anyone read whatever I come up with. My words come with a flow, and they do not always flow straight with my initial objectives. And I know it is not infrequent for me to complain about things because, I will admit I am a complainer.

A complainer is not fun to have around, is it? While I have to hold myself back when I speak, I should not have to when I write. Because when I speak, people hear my voice no matter they want it or not. When I write, if they don’t like it, it is their choice to stop. If they keep reading, it’s hardly my fault anymore, is it? If I had the guts to force them to read I would have just directly told them what I wanted to instead.

Sure, some might mistake the subject as themselves. But if they do, they would have identified it with themselves, and even if they never did it to me, they would have done it to someone else at some point. Anyone truly innocent of the accusation would not admit, whether consciously or subconsciously, that the subject in question was themselves.

In short, I don’t care what anyone else thinks the function of a blog is. But this blog is MINE. I write it the way I like it. And if anyone doesn’t like what I’ve written, then just. STOP. Okay? Nobody’s forcing ya. This is also why my header has remained the same after all these time while others decorated it with fancy lettering as pictures.

I need the simplicity to drill the words into the minds of readers, be they old or new.

Don’t read this.

But go ahead.

You’ve been warned.

Holidays

2010-12-25T06:43:00.003+08:00

There’s less than a week left till the New Year, so this is probably the first, and the last post in December. For starters, the beginning of the month was officially started off with the rushing and completion of a 40% report which I took little over 12 hours to do (yeah, I’m bragging. Allow me this minor entertainment to myself XD)

Then the following week was used to “carefully” plan and to rush another project into completion. In order to do so I was up 8 to 8 everyday, spending the bulk of my time in labs and gloves, haha. And just in time I completed the experimental stage of my final year project and was able to return home few days earlier than expected: a trip that I was allowed to drive from KT up to Kuantan before drowsiness got ahead of me. (Planning to drive ALL the way back next time! This shall be my first objective of the New Year’s ^^)

Then came my BBQ party, which was really, really hectic. I like BBQs. Specifically, I like to sit at the BBQ area and BBQ stuff and not move. But that day I was so busy running around that I didn’t even have time to sit down for more than a few seconds T.T

Here I would like to thank the SS group that made themselves so helpful that day. Thanks a lot! If you guys weren’t there to provide free labor and entertainment I really don’t know how’d turn out. Also not forgetting those who attended XD

Immediately after was the trip to Sunway Lagoon, which was a blast, although we couldn’t find the obstacle course thingy in the Wet Park. Has it been demolished or something? I remember stumbling across it the first time I was there but for the three times after I’ve never managed to find it again. I certainly didn’t dream it, if that’s what anyone was wondering. == I have other supporters!! >.<

And then I drove my parents to LCCT (another great plus in this holiday ^^) and am due to fetch them back soon (YAY! More driving!).

Right now? I’m working on some stuff that may or may not be released to public, depending on the quality of the end product. And also, for the first time in… forever, am looking forward eagerly for those people in HEPA to FINALLY release my sem 5 results.

Shocking, no? I was never one to anticipate results of any kind. (Spoiler: more bragging) for one, when I was weak at a subject I’d suck at it, and I never gave my results a second glance other than to come to terms that I failed the goddamn paper. On the other hand, when I was good at a subject, I was GREAT, and therefore, knowing I was SO great, I did not have to wait for my results to know that I was gonna score the paper cause I was awesome like that ^^

Ah. I think I’m already bragging too much. Forgive me. Vanity can be so entertaining at times. Anyhow I’m waiting for my results basically cause I have NO idea what I’d get. Now I understand the feelings of my classmates back in school. I never did understand why they’d bug the teacher to grade their papers faster. And teachers would never get why I was so uninterested in my scores. Probably because I told them before to mark the papers slowly and don’t strain themselves for the sake of releasing the marks earlier. Haha.

Looking back. I think I was too laid back.

I still am. Just abit less, I guess.

Laid back is good. It’s relaxing. Peaceful. AND it doesn’t cause stress ^^

Peace good. Stress bad. XD

Time

2010-11-28T03:27:00.000+08:00

Again, yet another week-late post. This time, its not that I have nothing to write about, nor is it that I have no time to write. I have the time. But I spend it on things too trivial and unimportant. I need to learn how to properly manage my time. Haih.

Time and tide waits for no man. How true.

I have many things I want to write about. Mainly what I thought of when I was reading some book, watching some show, playing some game, or doing some stuff. I get my best inspirations when I am busy and while I can jot down the main gist of it, all too frequently it takes me too long to sit down and give it a proper body. Then when I finally sit down to write, the inspiration is nowhere to be found.

I like reading/watching stories that are thought provoking.

However, too often with those thoughts come different conflicting emotions.

That part, I don’t like.

But emotions are a very defining part of human beings, I guess.

Music

2010-11-15T20:45:00.009+08:00

Years ago I used to think that listening to music was a total waste of time. A needless hobby which has no benefits whatsoever. So much, that I would question everyone back then about why they’d do such a pointless thing.

The answer I most frequently got was: because it was relaxing.

I was even more confused. To the me back then, music was nothing but noise. If ~~you~~ I wanted to relax, it would be better if I was in some dark room, devoid of everything.

Yeah, back then a pure combination of total darkness, silence and solitude was my only way of releasing stress.

Still is, though. Just not the ONLY way anymore.

I don’t know since when, but I have come to realize what I did not before. That listening to music was relaxing.

Why?

Because it gives me something to focus on. To escape the literal world I live in.

This is also partially why I like music with good lyrics. Because its something more concrete that I can focus on apart from the shapeless melody that accompanies it. Of course the melody complements the lyrics. Or else I’d be more of a fan of poems, won’t I?

Poems are not bad, by the way. ^^

It’s a bad habit, actually. To focus so much on music that ~~you~~ I tend to ignore everything else around me.

I’d turn on the volume so loud that often I don’t realize that my attention was needed elsewhere until I see frantic body/hand movements from someone else.

Somehow the loud music brainwashes my mind and throws me into a pseudo-consciousness that lies to me. Saying:

there’s no one around you. Your world is only consists of what you can see. Other than that, nothing exists, even space. Everything around you is just a limitless black vortex.

ooh~ brainwash in progress~

Yeah. That’s actually what I see when I’m focused on something, in case anyone was wondering. Nothing but the thing I’m handling. Haha.

I think I’m getting to much off track.

Actually the purpose of this update is this:

My new baby!!!

It’s JUST toooo Friggin AWESOME!!!!! XD

I’m an extremely materialistic person. I know.

It’s not my fault that I like inanimate objects better than humans. It’s just that I don’t like them enough.

If I like it, I get thrown into total obsession. ^^

I just don’t have a reason to get obsessed over humans at the moment.

For procrastination controls me

2010-10-25T15:03:00.005+08:00

My flight to and from KL was uneventful. but nevertheless the aftereffects i suffered was an hour of friggin high after landing.

i'm now "safely" in KT, preparing a battle against and onslaught of deadlines for various assignments, reports and THE presentation of the semester.

but somehow procrastination got the better me and i'm here, sitting in an empty lecture hall, typing this, wasting my time, and NOT getting any beneficial work done.

one half of me wants to continue working, but the dominant half of it wants me to play need for speed 2. so the submissive half is fighting what i would say a losing war against the dominant one. so while the war is ongoing, the submissive half is painfully refraining the dominant half from racing cars, and the dominant one is just as easily not allowing the submissive one to start working.

and so the end result is doing this. updating my blog.

haih. is the only time i can find to update my blog during intrapersonal fights like these?

and now i've nothing else to say. ==

i think the dominant half is winning.

Flight home

2010-10-21T01:12:00.002+08:00

I went on an airplane for the first time in my life. It was SO fun!!! Haha… though at first it was scary because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I tried asking for information at the counter but the person there wasn’t very helpful. I had no idea what to expect when I checked in and entered the boarding room.

Then there was this earlier flight by MAS (I was using AirAsia) that kept requesting passengers to board while the AirAsia people just kept silent. The boarding time on my ticket said 8.40 but it was close to 9.00 when they opened the boarding room. On top of that the closing time for boarding was supposed to be at 9pm. Imagine my nervousness when nothing happened until then. I was really terrified of missing the plane. Haha.

My seat was supposed to be right next to the aisle, according to pictograms on the plane but this old guy, either by mistake or on purpose, sat on my seat, so I got the window seat (yay!). My parents said it was boring since I couldn’t see the clouds because my flight was at night but the night lights are pretty too.

There is SO much difference between the night view of KT and KL.

I barely had time to nod off when the pilot announced that we were going to land in 20 minutes. I was like, huh? Oh right. This is a flight, not a bus. Lol. Incidentally I saw PETRONAS twin towers. In the yellow glow of the night city lights, the twin towers were white, standing out. From my view they looked like Christmas tree worms. very cute-looking. Had no idea where the KL tower was btw.

Unfortunately the inside of the plane was too bright and I couldn’t get a picture. ==

I guess first timers always behave like jakuns, huh? The guy beside me was wearing that “you first time on plane kah?” look on his face so obviously that I tried to refrain taking pictures until I saw him looking away or trying to sleep. I’m sure nobody could have REALLY slept during that short flight ^^ll but seriously lah, I acted so jakun-ish that I’m amazed at myself.

Being on a plane feels very much like diving, because I guess in both cases there is this change in air pressure and I frequently had to equalize. I mean you can feel whether the plane was in ascent or decent. It was SO fun. ^^

In the five months I wasn’t home, Jedo got SO big. XD

He’s just so cute other cats can’t even compare. ^^

Forgiveness is a choice

2010-10-05T21:47:00.001+08:00

I will forgive you. Because for the great me there is no sense at all in being all worked up in anger over an idiotic small-fry like you.

You being an idiot, I harbor no hopes in you being able to understand even the reasons and common sense of the average human being.

Also, there is no way an idiot like you could have made any plans even resembling what you claim to have made.

Why should I waste my precious energy and time deliberating over your kind?

Why should I waste time over an idiot?

Oh Idiot, I don’t expect anything from you.

Therefore, I don’t care.

Whatever you do, you’re just fulfilling your part as an idiot.

And if I mull over it anymore, I’d be an idiot for being angry at an idiot.

So you did anything wrong, it’s alright, for who am I to expect anything from an idiot?

Thus, I forgive you, for it is useless to expect anything more.

Lies

2010-09-29T18:57:00.000+08:00

Lies are bad. I don’t like lies. But it seems lately I seem to be telling white lies more frequently than I’d like. People say white lies aren’t so bad, sometimes people don’t need to know the entire truth. But what happens when you want to tell the truth so badly but sometimes it is the human society’s quick turn to prejudice that prevents you from doing so?

For some reason, although every single self improvement and motivational book will instruct you to be true to yourself, to be direct and confident in whatever you say or do, the very human society we live in discourages us from living in such a manner.

In order to adapt to others, in order to tolerate and be tolerated, we have to change ourselves, the way we think, speak and act. To think about others. To be sensitive of their likes and dislikes. To tolerate things that are sometimes rejected by your very soul.

In my dictionary, adapting is synonymous with tolerance and change. Adapting is to not be yourself. Adapting is to transform yourself into an acceptable human being so that others can tolerate your existence around them.

Be yourself, they say. True friends will accept you for who you are, they say. But be prepared to tolerate (change a part of yourself) so that you can in turn be tolerated. So in conclusion, Everyone changes. Nobody acts like themselves anymore. We get grouped into stereotypic groups whether we like it or not. Even if we do not fit any particular stereotype we are already part of the “unusual stereotype” group. Birds of a feather will always flock together.

Indirectly, the twisted mindset of the society we live in forces us to live a white lie every day. The only way we might escape this is that we lead solitary lives. And people wonder why more and more people stay cooped up in their rooms, surfing and communicating over the net. And ignorant fools that we are we blame the advancement and misuse of technology.

But we accept this. Why? Because at the very core of our being we need approval. We need acceptance. We need affection. We need companionship and kinship. So much that some people go crazy craving for it. Some people get by using A.I. or animals. But others turn into psychopathic serial murderers.

Scary, no?

so tired

2010-09-10T11:17:00.002+08:00

It's hard to keep up with my one post per week schedule when i come one all exhausted and all i want to do is lie on my bed and sleep.

+ it's no easier when all i do during work is to get sudden inspirations of what to blog about, what to write in my stories (that i'm still working on), how i'd like to draw the stuff that i've saved in the computer... - just to forget ALL about them when i finally get off work and is too tired to rack my brains for what i had thought about earlier in the day.

==ll

ah well.

English for Occupational Purposes

2010-08-18T13:06:00.006+08:00

There’s a course I have to take in my studies called English for Occupational Purposes. One of the assignments in this course is to read motivational and self improvement books. So this is what my friend read:

Which got me thinking of him:

"My name is mooojo-JOJO!" XD

I used to think that he’s really cute when I watched the powerpuff girls back then. The redundant way he talks is really entertaining. Really liked listening to him talk. ^^

"I do not talk like that! The way I communicate is much different. I do not reiterate, repeat, reinstate the same thing over and over again. I am clear, concise, to the point!"

Ahha. The irony. Another example. XP

"I, Mojo Jojo, am your master, and you shall obey my commands like the dogs you are! Because I am your master, it is I who you will obey! Obeying commands is what you’ll do! I will give you commands, and you will obey them!"

Anyway for some reason I have always liked the villains better than heroes in any show that I watched. Wonder why.

However there IS a condition. The villain cannot be a hero in disguise (e.g. I’m doing this in order to let you have the chance to be the hero… etc) I find it irritating if a good guy pretends to be a bad guy and then when he is defeated, he reveals everything that he’d done was for the good of everyone like he’s the person who sacrificed the most. It’s like a call for attention, wanting the whole world to sympathize with you and hail you as a god for your sacrifice for humankind.

Wth. If you wanna be a villain then be a villain la weh. For example, in Harry Potter books I initially liked Malfoy until JK Rowling started writing him up as a wimpy character. ==ll

Haih. So dissapointed. I started disliking how the series started to twist after the fourth book. And the ending in the last installment? Yeah. I hate it.

Back to topic, despite saying I hate two faced characters, I like daredevil and batman wor. They are those kinds of heroes that have this dark past that wronged them but still manage to turn out good while their past still haunts them.

Must be because they only come out at night. Other superheroes work mostly in the daylight (as if night takde crime) and they fight supernatural monsters. The difference is that this two, they don't have super-strength or super-speed or whatever. They are humans, they fight humans, and they use human-trained techniques.

These two bring forward the message "When there's a will, there's a way" instead of heroes like superman whose message is, i suppose, something like this, "I can do this because I, and ONLY I, have the power beyond what a normal human can reach. So kids, don't do this at home!"

Aiya, this post has nothing to do with the title, has it? Haih, the way my brain leads sometimes is so goddamn random. lol.

Gender Equity

2010-08-10T21:09:00.001+08:00

A friend said the other day:

“I don’t understand why some guys want to undergo operation and become girls. Being a guy is great what.”

To which I replied, “You can’t see it that way, some girls also undergo the same thing to be guys what. Being a girl is not half bad either.”

In hopes of closing the topic. Fail.

“That’s because being a guy is really great ma!”

Then he went on commenting on how great guys are and what they could do without the inconveniences girls often have. I prefer not to go into detail.

At that moment I was at lost for words. For the love of the devil I could not think of a single thing to defend females, to think of things girls could do that guys couldn’t.

It’s an equal world today, where guys can sometimes do things that are associated with females far better than the latter, and vice versa.

The one way conversation emphasized a lot on the natural strength guys have. To which, yes, I agree. The strongest female on earth may just be a little stronger than the above average guy. But then again, that same female would be ridiculed by guys for the muscles she built in training.

As I listened to his rant, I realized again that, despite the whole gender equity thing, there are still many people who hold on to male superiority.

Also the reminder that when these people see others, the first thing that registers in their mind is “Oh, she’s a girl. Oh, he’s a guy.”

For one thing when I see a person, its gender is far, far below my train of thought. I, for some unknown reason, do not care. I may not even think, “Oh, right, he’s a guy” until someone role calls for guys to stand in front and females to stand behind or something like that. I see you, I see a human. I see an ‘it’. Period.

I admit, yes, guys are stronger. So what? That’s about the ONLY thing they have an edge over females. In terms of intellect and other things, it’s still pretty much a far fight. Things traditionally associated with either gender do not limit us now, girls can be mechanics and guys can be tailors for goddamn sakes. The limitations and boundaries are GONE, merged into an unidentifiable mess.

I can’t really argue this anymore because I will contradict myself.

I’m not saying that females are better than males or vice versa. I’m not saying I disagree, but I don’t agree either.

But what I’m really saying is that, to hell with gender differences and all that. You do not go around saying or thinking, “Hey, I’m better than you because I’m born a guy”. No. If you ARE better, it’s purely because you are a better PERSON than the other. It has NOTHING to do with your goddamn gender.

One fine morning at the hatchery...

2010-08-02T23:20:00.002+08:00

Okay. So before I begin my story, put this picture in your mind. A guard house, and next to it a shaded pondok of sorts where three cars can be parked.

So every morning I have to go and wash my tanks in the hatchery and that day was no different. As I was returning the key from the hatchery to the guard house one rainy day, I passed by the pondok and noticed a moving umbrella. Then only did I notice some guy standing behind the umbrella. Okay so it wasn’t really sunny but the area wasn’t that dark either, but the skin colour of the guy standing behind the umbrella was so dark that it looked just like the shadows behind him. I couldn’t even see his face properly, just his legs and that also was hard to look at – being blended into the background so much.

I ignored him and walked on, thinking that he was some person hiding from the rain.

No, the point wasn’t his skin colour. Read on.

I returned the key to this young male guard, (normally its one of those older looking ones but that day the young one was on duty so, yeah.) before heading to my car parked a couple of meters away. As I was unlocking my car, I heard the yelling from some guy. It was a deep throaty yell, like the barking of a dog or roaring of some animal. (my back was turned towards the yell so at first I thought some wild animal escaped into campus O.O)

The yelling startled me and I saw that guard screaming and shouting like come crazy person. Then he ran out flinging a chair around. At that point I started to be afraid – eh, some guy yelling and screaming like he was dirasuk combined with a chair (possible weapon) running out weh!

I panicked and quickly stood behind my car, ready to run (the idea of simply driving off didn’t hit yet) then I saw the guard pointing at something in the pondok admist all the shouting and yelling. Initially when I looked in that direction I didn’t see anything so I was half convinced this guy was hallucinating or something. Then I heard another voice shouting in response to the guard’s yells.

Only THEN did I notice the guard was pointing at that black guy I ignored earlier. Turns out underneath the umbrella he was only wearing a colourful piece of string like a belt.

==ll

What startled me more was the guard yelling lo. (seriously like so madman/animal yang dirasuk)

Not the flasher.

3rd time's the charm

2010-07-25T20:47:00.016+08:00

today after visiting the hatchery i went for dinner and caught a football game. (no i'm not a football fan) anyway it was Malaysia vs South Korea and the striker was shooting a penalty kick. the attempt didn't go well and it rebounded immediately but the feller went after the rebounded ball and kicked again, fail. then again, the ball got further, and every other defender on the opposing them was chasing him. then he kicked it for the third time and the ball went straight for the goal. ^^

an overhead camera showed the entire opposing team's players surrounding this guy and the lone goal keeper at the goal that couldn't save the ball since probably he can't see the angle properly due to over crowding of the players.

nice goal. ^^

three's a crowd. two i can handle. i usually avoid crowds. but when my anti-social mood surfaces i go out out my way to make sure places i go lack human life or at most two people around me. any more than that i can't tolerate. worse things is, my anti-social self seem to surface together with my depression. so if i don't act like myself, i'm sorry. if i don't act like the Self you know, i'm sorry. cuz that's probably one of my other personalities. i have so many spilt personalities that i don't know who i am anymore.

My time management skills suck.

2010-07-23T14:48:00.003+08:00

That being said, it's actually no mystery as to why i'm behind in doing all the things i want or need to do. like packing, organizing, assignments, reports, projects and such.

on a whole i have a main idea what i have to do at specific times, but it's the time in between where i have to selit all my minor work that i mess up in. ==

like how i'm supposed to be doing something else right NOW.

okay. time to ~~start~~ continue work.

Update

2010-07-17T14:23:00.004+08:00

==ll it seems that i'm lagging behind my initial resolution of posting something once every week. noooo.... must get back on track!!!

anyway... erm. you know the save password thing that google chrome offers so that the next time you go in an account you don't have to type a password to go in? i saved so many for so long that once last week i tried accessing my accounts with a different computer i had to think for few minutes to remember my password.

aiya... dangerous dangerous... cannot let that happen anymore. especially when my memory seems to be failing me nowadays. O.O

then... going sampling next week lor, the same place as stated in previous blog post. yay! now i can get more samples for my next treatment. ^^

pc fair was on town so i went to get some stuff. damage still minimal - under 100, so i consider it a success in self control XD

when i went on the first day i surveyed everywhere and decided to go next day to get everything i needed at one booth. mana tau the next day i go everything i wanted already sold out. then i went around other places trying to find it but failed. finally when we were about to leave i saw this tauke taking out an entire stack from the store.

hello lah uncle! if you don't display the wares mana ada orang with x-ray eyes boleh nampak that thing?!

but yeah, found it (transparent notebook skin - don't like the flowery ones they selling. + i very proud of my notebook punya colour, no need to hide it under another layer of ~~hideous~~ coloured paper)

class started, have a few assignments that i'm gonna rush after this. finally there's a (somewhat) fixed routine i can follow so when i get free time i'm gonna revise a schedule - not that i follow it very closely but i need a to-do list cause i forget what i have to do really frequently and end up playing games or wasting time online. (like now ^^)

my crabs are healthy, so far. 6 weeks to go before the ~~big crab feast~~ analysis. ^^

until then. XD

After TWO long months...

2010-07-06T13:49:00.003+08:00

I finally started my project OFFICIALLY!!!

though it's only 1/9 done (or 1/5 if you omit the optional treatments) but it's a start, right?

i know the optional treatments are, well, optional, but i'm determined to see them as compulsory until the time comes when i can no longer see them that way. That being said, i'll do everything in my power complete all NINE treatments. ^^

cheers for me~ XD

Setiu Sampling

2010-07-02T21:10:00.010+08:00

This is waaaaaaaay overdue but what the heck, for the lack of updates I have I might as well post something. ^^

Erm. Some of us were actually reluctant to go there but since our supervisor asked us to we did. I drove up there with WS and PY. (really, REALLY grateful PY was asked to go there with us, btw XD or else I’d monopolize the cabin, among other reasons. heh.)

the trip made us go through a really healthy lifestyle. Tidur awal, bangun awal, 3 meals a day and work in between. no computer, not because there wasn't any electricity, but because we conveniently decided to not bring one up. it was REALLY comfortable in the cabin. spacious, since only PY and me were sharing it. really clean too. oh and did I mention there was an AC? X3

In the mornings we went out to put traps in the mangrove. All that stepping in the mud was goddamn tiring. There was a Master’s student coming along with us and he was used to this, having done this monthly since last year. On the first day he kept asking if we were okay (I was panting like mad – know lar, my stamina isn’t all that great), and asked us to take a breather when he went to the areas that were REALLY tough to get into.

WS: Luckily we are FYP students. If we were doing Master’s then WE would be telling the FYP students to rest and do all the hard parts ourselves.

Whew. Imagine the ground sinking with every step until the mud came up to hip level. It was damn hard to get around on the first day but over the next few days we sorta got used to it. (we were there for four days).

Then in the evening during air pasang, another team would be dispatched to collect the traps that were set. Sometimes, this trip would be easier as we’d just pull the traps out of the water while on the boat, but it the water level was too low then we’d have to go down and get it ourselves. THEN it’d be harder (in my opinion) because then we’d have to walk through the same hip level mud with waist level water. I’d like to be able to SEE where I’m walking, thank you, even IF it was through mud like this.

Then nights were utilized to help the Master’s students measure the crabs, and to tie up any that weren’t already tied when the catch was landed earlier in the evening. WS was bitten while learning to tie the crabs, kesian… haha.

Then the times in between were the leisure times, where we go out for meals and stuff. Most of the time we sat there chatting (listening to WS talk, mostly, until he decided he was tired and kept asking us to carry the conversation).

There were many, many mosquitoes during the night. Those that flew near enough to us were killed without second thought. (hey, Don't bother me, and i won't bother -kill- you.)

All in all, not bad. ^^ looking forward to next month’s trip.

...

2010-06-13T22:00:00.003+08:00

i KNOW lar you guys are worried and think that I came back too early but CAN you stop making it sound like my month here is a total waste of time and its like i DID NOTHING at all here but shake legs? You think I very happy ar my samples all unavailable because they are too smart to get caught in fishermen's nets? You think I tak sakit hati ar when supposedly if everything went to plan i was supposed to be half finished but now not even ONE treatment has begun? I have only THIS much patience and tolerance has NEVER been my strong suit. There's a freaking limit to listening to "So how is your project? Haven't start ah? Then what for you go back so early? So what have you done in the month you went back?" especially when it's in that freaking annoying tone. You make it sound like my entire month staying here was totally useless and worthless. I'm getting bloody hell tired, kay? Don't blame me when i dread picking up the phone when i see it's a call from that side when i used to look forward to it.

Lite N' Easy

2010-06-12T11:02:00.004+08:00

I've finally realized why i listen to Lite FM. Its actually not for the music cuz i can take music from Fly, Hitz and whatever just as well. (although i still have zero tolerance for indian and malay stations. chinese station i can stand until the DJs start talking, which normally is after 2 minutes).

I know Lite FM is famous for playing songs from the 80s, which most people from my age group doesn't listen to. but it's not pure oldies people! the essence of the station is that it plays soothing songs - and no i'm not trying to promote the station here.

The thing is, today, after many days lacking sleep hours, i finally thought i was able to sleep in today (until lunch maybe). But NOOO~ some kambing wanted to take the key that i had borrowed for the weekend (booked under MY NAME, nonetheless) and the person in charge woke me up.

WTH??!! If you bloody hell KNEW you wanted to go today then YESTERDAY would be a great time to give some advance notice that you wanted me to go to campus and pass the key over to you right??

I need to key NOW, he says. What, you think I LIVE in the office kah? You think i own a jet kah? You think i ada Jaguar sebuah kah? Or you think I'm the royalty who owns the road and can run past traffic lights to campus in 5 minutes kah? Oh I know lar! You thought i drive ambulans or police car people will bloody give way to me!!!

I'm waiting at the main office, he says. then i went there, spent 5 minutes looking at the places i thought he'd be, and didn't find him. then i called him, he said he was waiting in his car, parked at god knows where and that he'd come find me. Okay la, so i went back to my car. then 10 minutes later he said he couldn't find me and FINALLY told me where the exact location of his car was with the bloody number plate.

the thing is i already seen the car before i called him, but no one was inside. would it kill you to tell me the number plate of your car in the FIRST conversation? What? You takut when I see you in the car alone I will gather kaki to rob you kah?

What I'm trying to say is, Lite N Easy keeps my temper in check. If I was listening to any other station this morning I probably be in a worse mood now. (especially Hitz tends to like to play rap music, which i REALLY detest.)

Oh well. Music soothes the savage beast, they say. ^^

...

2010-06-03T02:35:00.001+08:00

My mood swings are on the verge of coming back.

noooo..... go away!

Thoughts

2010-05-28T21:46:00.003+08:00

I realized that while i don't remember the face and name of everyone i meet (those who do know me must know by now that i remember very, very few strangers) I HAVE met many people. People - strangers, acquaintances to be exact, who've made an impact into who i am today.

In fact, everybody i know has a hand in "creating" me, so to speak. XD i do imitate people around me (saru mah, what to expect kan?), and its just a question of how much i incorporate their personalities into mine.

What brought on this was that i suddenly realized the differences of how i act when i'm in PJ and KT - depending on the current gang company. Like how while i can be a sadist in front of one, another would deem the act, erm, distasteful. ==ll

But there ARE many different people everywhere, each with different personalities. which strengthens my belief again on how we are all each different and unique, yet, its BECAUSE we are ALL different and unique, we are also all THE SAME.

And this is also why i don't really like meeting new people. Cuz they are all different and i need to remember many different things, but when I do remember them, i'd like to keep in touch with them. Reason being they've made an impact onto me (plus i DID make an effort to remember them! LOL jk).

However I keep in contact with very few people. Its not like I don't want to keep in contact with those that i lose touch with, but although i want to know more and befriend a person, the gap between us is too wide and it gets wider with every given day because there is just no way to get closer without being terribly, terribly awkward.

How can a person you're not close you impact you, you ask? Well, i don't know. But it happens to me quite often. I have a prime example of one i've met in F1 - but if i continue about this i think i would be dragging this post too long. haha.

Anyway, I'm going of the point here, i think (if i HAD any point in the first place). So the point is:

I really appreciate those of you in my life right now, and also not forgetting those who aren't but were. ^^

(ceh like giving some important thanksgiving speech only)

Just random thoughts i had while doing daily cleaning duties for my "kids" ^^

Brief break...

2010-04-18T19:14:00.005+08:00

With the ending of today's presentation (mine), my fourth semester is FINALLY over!! In another half day i'd be heading home and by this time tomorrow i'd BE home. if my father doesn't decide to make pit stops at kuantan and god-knows-where.

Just a short break, cause when i come back here in May means i can't leave this jungle until my crabs have finally matured, and that might take four months! nothing i can't handle, anyway. i'm been away from home here for longer periods.

PLUS this time i'm gonna bring my guitar down with me! ^^

Maybe i can train my crabs to SING.

Lol XD

Relationship between cake, chocolates and friendship ^^

2010-03-29T19:51:00.005+08:00

Just felt like posting something other than what I had forgotten what to write about earlier.

And no, this wasn’t what I had wanted to write. I still haven’t recalled it.

Whatever it was.

Sometimes I feel that some friendships are like cakes.

Why? I wonder if anyone thinks this way:

Cuz you see all over the surface of the cake is cream, right? No matter how you cut the cream in half divide, do whatever to set it apart in whatever way, in the end when you lump it all together you don’t see any gaps. The cream will stick itself back together.

That’s the outer layer.

But as you go deeper, into the inner layer into the actual cake itself, imagine cutting it in half. Imagine doing whatever you did to the cream and break it, set it apart.

When you put it back together…

It doesn’t meld together anymore.

Even if it was just a small crack, it will never again regain its original shape in one piece.

The pieces will stay, well, pieces.

You can try to arrange them back into order and then spread the cream thickly all over to hide the fact that the cake has been cut but while on the outside the cake looks like it’s a one piece, it breaks into pieces again when a time comes when you have to dig deeper past the cream.

On the other hand, there ARE some friendships that are like chocolates. ^^

There’s nothing on the surface, and when you break it, well it breaks. But if you grip it tightly enough, the chocolate will melt and be one piece again.

Which type of friendship are you in? XD

LOL.

Though I wonder if anyone can make any rational sense out of what I’m talking about. ^^;

Hah?

2010-03-29T11:35:00.004+08:00

I loaded the page knowing full well what i was gonna say but when it finally loaded and my fingers touched the keyboard suddenly my mind went blank.

i didn't know what i wanted to say anymore.

Damn.

This has been happening quite frequently as of late. My GOD. My memory can't be formating itself when i'm in the middle of FINALS!!

What if i went in the exam hall fully prepared and hit writer's block as soon as my pen touched the answer sheet?

how? HOW?

cannot happen.

must go buy [Brand's Chicken Essence] Lol.

Which reminds me. must go re-string my badminton racket later. XD

我不知道

2010-03-23T23:06:00.004+08:00

我知道，人类有上万种性格的动物，

可是我不知道，要怎么同那些拥有和我不同性格得的人类相处。

我知道，人缘很重要；

可是我不知道，要怎么跟某些人沟通。

我知道，所有人都有踏错脚步的一刻；

可是我不知道，要怎么去原谅踏到我尾巴的人。

我知道，我对某些人的态度很不公平；

可是我不知道，要怎么改变我对这些人的偏见。

我知道，世界不止有我一个；

可是我不知道，要怎么把除了我的存在容纳在我的世界之内。

我知道，做错要认错，这是小学生都会的事情；

可是我不知道，要怎么看着他的眼睛，认真的对他说“对不起”。

我知道，遇到帮了你一手的恩人要懂得感恩；

可是我不知道，要怎么在他面前，从心里表达“谢谢”。

我知道，在现实的世界里，一个人是不能生存的；

可是我不知道，要怎么停止活在只有我一个人的梦幻之中。

我知道，我这么做是错的；

可是我不知道，要怎么强逼自己把剩余的力量把自己推到正确的路上。

我知道我是不知道很多很多事情；

可是，

可能这就是身为恶魔的我，

永远领悟不到的人类所拥有的性格。

In the midst of things...

2010-03-20T20:53:00.003+08:00

I feel so relieved at the moment. But at the same time I feel like I'm running out of time. Ironic, no?

Life's like that lately.

I'm happy cuz I've finished half of my pressing workload, but the other half's pinning me down and getting me depressed at the same time.

I know, I'm rambling. Oh well.

^^ annual dinner tomorrow ^^

Now I remember why i'm not an Atheist

2010-03-08T19:49:00.006+08:00

Why?

Cause at times I feel there's this higher power helping me avoid bad things in life. And i'm sure i've said this a million times: "sure i don't get the best out of life, but i'm glad i'm not stationed to pick up the worst bits either."

That, people, came from a self-professed pessimist.

yep. i'm just happy to receive the normal bits. not the best, not the worst.

and i really feel blessed that i do not have to fix my car.

cuz some overgrown kambing on four wheels dashed out of a junction cross the road where i had right of way nearly made me hit it. i was doing =... 80? 90? no idea.

luckily there were no cars to the left where i swerved to, or if there WAS, luckily i did not hit them.

i'm sorry for the shock i gave to the two passengers i had then. lucky im accustomed to high speed turns, no? haha just joking.

and for the record, i'm a deist praying to buddha. XD

For the First time~

2010-02-26T22:20:00.004+08:00

I wonder if i am a masochist. Sadist i KNOW i am since a long time ago, and i think deep down each and every one of us has a little sadistic nature in them. i mean, when someone falls, don't we like at least smile before rushing over in concern? second part is probably not in most people ^^

Anyway, back on track, i say that because think the pain from the muscle ache i'm experiencing now is kinda... nice? haha. takes me back to the days when i was training at Assunta. i used to always wake up on Sundays with muscle aches that lasted for DAYS! but i always looked forward to it XD

my campus has a badminton court!!! muscle ache result from that. damn! to think i never realised it in my two years here!! then there's a pool table we could use, too!! all free!! wahahahhaa~!

kay. i'm getting carried away. carrying on to more sobering news. my car has battery/wiring/alternator/what not problems. so i have to go get it fixed tomorrow. praying that it's the battery and tomorrow i NEED to finish filming!!! GAH!

About the pool table: It was always lying in the Pusat Sukan and i always wondered "How the heck anyone's gonna play this without equipment??!" when i passed by. Turns out they let you borrow it from the office. ^^ So means can play during office hours only. One complaint though, they SHOULD fix the fan. It was friggin hot. Imagine working up a sweat while playing pool!!

The other discovery was fun too (badminton court). Back when I used to play every week, I could take on a double pair by myself for a full hour before resting. Now with the lack of exercise~I could only tahan for like half an hour before timing out. ==ll

So as I’m typing this now my whole body is aching. except my left hand - never used it lol. but my right hand involuntarily shakes from time to time. XD abit like ouji's o.O

I booked the court next week too! hahahaha~

New Quiz

2010-02-11T18:47:00.002+08:00

Everyone seems to be post this this results and swearing that's its the most accurate they've ever seen.

If any one hasn't tried it yet go HERE.

Best Occupational Category

You're an ORGANIZER wor? really ah~? let my roommate see sure she say wrong one

Keywords

Self-Control, Practical, Self-Contained, Orderly, Systematic, Precise, and Accurate

These conservative appearing, plotting-types enjoy organizing, data systems, accounting, detail, and accuracy. They often enjoy mathematics and data management activities such as accounting and investment management. Persistence and patience allows them to do detailed paperwork, operate office machines, write business reports, and make charts and graphs.

ORGANIZER CAREERS

Suggested careers are Administrator, Secretary, Printer, Paralegal, Building Inspector, Bank Cashier, Private Secretary, Statistician, Operations Manager, Financial Analyst, Bookkeeper, Medical Records Technician, Developer of Business or Computer Systems, Clerical Worker, Proofreader, Accountant, Administrative Assistant, Banker, Certified Public Accountant, Credit Manager, Store Salesperson, Actuary, Dental Assistant, Business Education Teacher, Food Service Manager, IRS Agent, Budget Analyst, and Underwriter.

ORGANIZER WORKPLACES

Your very careful, conscientious, conservative nature gives others the confidence to trust you with handling money and material possessions. Structured organizations that have well-ordered chains of command work best for you.

Suggested Organizer workplaces are large corporations, business offices, financial lending institutions, banks, insurance companies, accounting firms, and quality control and inspection departments.

2nd Best Occupational Category

You're a RESEARCHER

Keywords:

Independent, Self-Motivated, Reserved, Introspective, Analytical, and Curious

These investigative types gather information, analyze and interpret data, and inquire to uncover new facts. They have a strong scientific orientation, enjoy academic or research environments and prefer self-reliant jobs. Dislikes are group projects, selling, and repetitive activities.

Section I: You and Your Team
This personality overview section highlights your natural workplace talents—the tasks you pursue with passion. You'll learn how your natural strengths complement those of your coworkers and how, joining forces, you can resolve on-the-job dilemmas.
Section II: Your Key To Success
Here you discover your capacity for dispelling disruption and maximizing profitability. Use this proven, beyond-self-perception advice to create a more positive career path free of detours.
Section III: Managing Strengths and Weaknesses
Your evaluation's highest and lowest scores result in this section's recommendations for staying on-track in your career and reversing wrong turns. In focusing on your talents and missteps, you'll re-stoke your energy and enthusiasm for managing costly mistakes.
Section IV: Leadership Power Moves
This final section identifies your "street sense," those power moves that turn obstacles into insignificant details. Here suggestions based on your color-ranked evaluations will guide you towards making the most of an interview or harnessing your fast-paced workday.

==ll

accurate meh?

you guys be the judge la. then tell me what you think.

*on a separate note: I'M HOME~

...

2010-02-08T19:11:00.003+08:00

I’m not in control of my brain anymore. It’s like this statement I heard from somewhere:

A brain is an organ that we think we think.

Explanation: We are under the impression that we think using our brain, but we don’t. Realise the fact that the brain of the common mortal thinks for is owner.

If this is too confusing, ask me for an example personally to help you see the clearer picture.

Anyway. Back to the brain. I think my brain has a completely different personality from me. Ah I dunno la. But the main point is I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore. I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I don’t know why I’m chasing anymore.

It’s like running a race, where the person ahead of you is always there. Ahead of you.

It’s trilling at first, having a goal. But when the goal runs faster than you, runs faster than you, it gets tiring. There’s no pit stop, no time where you are able to catch up and catch a breath. Because you just don’t catch up. You just can’t.

All you can do is to continue running, continue chasing, and watch your goal go further and further away, like the gradually lengthening distance between the water surface and a drowning person. No matter how hard the drowning person swims, the surface will never seem to get nearer.

Soon the person will be devoid of air. Sooner still, if he continues the struggle. Then the lack of air forces the person to give up, against his will, even if he wanted to go on.

The difference of strength between them just too big.

To surrender is just so easy.

It won’t tire you, drain you of all your strength and spirit.

But I still want to forget the existence of this choice: giving up.

Then maybe I can still find the extra strength I need to carry on.

When Music just SPEAKS to you

2010-02-06T22:43:00.001+08:00

i normally listen to a set playlist. on normal days, they just pass by as normal tunes, however on certain other days one of the songs would just pop up and hit me, telling me things, as if they were trying to speak to me.

i suppose on those certain days i must have been in a certain sate of mind; or a certain mood, to have to be able to receive these subtle messages within the songs, to feel whatever feelings the singer/composer must have wanted to convey.

i say this because songs that spoke to me rarely, if ever, speak to me again. and certain songs that i find ordinary would spark my interest so much after such conversation that i would later favourite it.

just recently the chorus of this song grabbed me and hasn't let me go since:

ABBA - Whats the name of the game

I've seen you twice, in a short time
Only a week since we started
It seems to me, for every time
I'm getting more open-hearted

I was an impossible case
No-one ever could reach me
But I think I can see in your face
There's a lot you can teach me
So I wanna know

What's the name of the game
Does it mean anything to you
What's the name of the game
Can you feel it the way I do
Tell me please, 'cause I have to know
I'm a bashful child, beginning to grow

And you make me talk
And you make me feel
And you make me show
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you, would you let me down
Would you laugh at me
If I said I care for you
Could you feel the same way too
I wanna know

The name of the game

I have no friends, no-one to see
And I am never invited
Now I am here, talking to you
No wonder I get excited

Your smile, and the sound of your voice
And the way you see through me
Got a feeling, you give me no choice
But it means a lot to me
So I wanna know

What's the name of the game
(Your smile and the sound of your voice)
Does it mean anything to you
(Got a feeling you give me no choice)
But it means a lot, what's the name of the game
(Your smile and the sound of your voice)
Can you feel it the way I do
Tell me please, 'cause I have to know
I'm a bashful child, beginning to grow

And you make me talk
And you make me feel
And you make me show
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you, would you let me down
Would you laugh at me, if I said I care for you
Could you feel the same way too
I wanna know
Oh yes I wanna know

The name of the game
(I was an impossible case)
Does it mean anything to you
(But I think I can see in your face)
That it means a lot
What's the name of the game
(Your smile and the sound of your voice)
Can you feel it the way I do
(Got a feeling you give me no choice)
But it means a lot, what's the name of the game
(I was an impossible case)
Does it mean anything to you
(But I think I can see in your face)
That it means a lot

not expecting others to be able to hear what i heard cuz the song will speak differently to different people at different times. it's really a personally subjective thing. ^^

and to think i used to think that listening to music was a distraction and a waste of time.

ah the ignorance of youth.

Recently

2010-01-28T22:17:00.004+08:00

I am busy with several things. Highlight of the month would be my new pet culture Artemia sp. ^^ or in layman's terms the "SEA MONKEY". This variant is smaller than the commercial type cuz its supposed to be mini-sized, for fish larvae to eat. commercial types are bred to be bigger and more visible for ease for the owner's view.

ah my artemia is so cute...

On a more depressing note, test season is here. i have tests lined up everyday for the next week (3 days later) and i have not touched the lecture notes yet. ==ll

anyway, on a separate and happier note, i was in the mood to type stuff today so Part 1 of my new long-short story is done.

somehow i seem to be unable to construct short short stories. i end up being long winded and what i expected to be a three-four paragraph intro becomes a full length paged description.

haih.

anyway still figuring out how to use my fictionpress account so as soon as it is up i'll announce to the world.

haha.

Revival

2010-01-08T21:38:00.002+08:00

People who knew me in my Assunta era would probably know that I have an interest in fiction and have written many - if unfinished works.

After I left, I guess that part of me stayed behind, for sentimental reasons, probably. And to tell the truth since then I never felt the urge to write anything anymore.

Through sudden inspiration I have decided to pick up that part of me that I have abandoned since then and continue writing stuff. One-shots, probably, since my long stories seem to be, well - too long with too many arcs and too little persistence on my part to see it through.

There ARE still those of you out there who will support me, right? XD

wonders if i should make an account on fictionpress or something to publish it... opinion?

Do us ALL a favour and just... haih.

2010-01-07T19:21:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wish some people would just drop dead and die. **** you all la. Just because you announce your feelings to every bloody tom dick and harry to know doesn’t mean that everybody else HAS to follow you bloody example okay?! And it doesn’t mean that these people who hide their feelings from the world, from YOU, do not feel any less than what you feel, okay?!

So for gods’ sake stop yer bloody bitching. You won’t know it but when I saw you I felt like throwing a jab at your face if it would just make you shut the bloody hell up. But it won’t and it would be a waste of my energy to dirty my fist on you so I didn’t.

On different note, some people can be so goddamn dense. If someone hints something to you so obviously that the entire world around you understands what the hint is about but apparently you don’t, its either you’ve got an empty space where your brain is supposed to be or you think the rest of us are idiots who doesn’t realize you are pretending not to understand.

When someone hints 10% of the situation to you, the LEAST anyone could do is to understand 40%. But YOU walk around understanding 0-1%. Dammnit. Damn you.

Aih. I’m just ranting. Ignore me.

In the middle of emo-ing, haha.

The happy happy posts will come later, I promise. And soon, I hope. =)

Random Note

2010-01-04T20:39:00.001+08:00

really really really busy at the moment.

have lotsa things to do.

mountainloads of things happened too but no time.

later la ha.

ciao ^^ll

Still waiting reeeeeaally anxiously...

2009-12-25T21:31:00.002+08:00

... although i KNOW it's not wise to do so. ppl can just blow you off at anytime if you are sitting on too high a perch. and my hopes are hanging so goddamn dangerously high up.

its gonna hurt when i fall off. (like i did earlier this week)

but like the stubborn person that i am i refused to learn from the lesson and kept climbing.

gah! i keep on telling myself not to hope so much but it keeps on climbing!! i dowan to fall from there~!

==ll in the end there's nothing i can do but to keep on waiting... (and hope that my hope doesnt go any higher than this...)

gah~ the days seem so long...

X3

2009-12-16T14:20:00.000+08:00

ahahahahahaha~

ask me later next week.

Leonardo the Genius

2009-12-01T21:33:00.006+08:00

I really dont like calling this guy da Vinci cuz that part is basically "of Vinci". It's not really his family name.

but the whole world knows him as and likes to call him da Vinci so whatever la. who am I to say anything right?

Just a short post (seeing that my blog has been abandoned for as long as i came back)

GO TO THIS EXHIBITION!!!

it's totally worth your money plus with the >promotion< on you can get tickets BUY 1 FREE 1!!!

merchandise a bit pricey though. the T-shirts were nice material and design and all but it was at a whooping RM30~ i'm a poor poor student... sponsor me? anyways i got myself a poster of "The Last Supper"

ahahhahahahaha~ *bliss* XD

Anyway a sneak preview of the exhibit. will post the rest on FB later. These are taken from the official blogs. XD

virus we found your twin!!!!!

YA-HAH!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-15T06:18:00.004+08:00

ok done.

huh? what?! *stares at checklist in disbelief*

i'm really done?

*double checks, triple checks...and checks again*

...

...

...

Ya-HA! I'M DONE! I'M DONE WITH THE GODDAMN REPORT!!!!

*continues like a mad person*

I'm sorry I totally abandoned you lately,
yet you stay so loyally by my side without a sound,
in the silence you watched over me,
yet in my state of mind i felt you were mocking me;
i'm sorry.
for the days that i have ignored you,
now i will make it up by your side this night.

...

...

...

or so i would like to say to my dear, dear bed.

however for some stupid reason there was a power shortage at my house while i was still finishing up this bloody report.

so i cant go sleep in my bed even if i wanted to.

Luckily the autosave rescued my document. well, part of it anyway.

and of ALL houses it has to hit MY house. my neighbors all have power. Damn.

so i took refuge in my friend's house.

another reason why i can't say the above verse to my bed is because...

its morning.

ah whatever. felt like posting status message on fb saying that i'm done but decided to blog instead.

to prove how free i finally am now.

muahahahahahahhahha.....

forgive me. i have not eaten or drank in the past 26 hours and have not slept for twice as long.

so its just very normal to have screws loose in the brain.

felt like killing people the moment my comp died too (no battery attached). ah well its over.

and oh, people with freedom?

i dont hate you peeps anymore!

nyahahahahahah............

think i'll post something on fb anyway. ^^

Freedom? What FREEDOM?!!

2009-11-11T21:17:00.004+08:00

damn. everywhere i go i see people posting up stuff about THEIR merdeka day.

my last paper ended yesterday morning. earlier than some of you people! HAH!

but still not free. the chains of responsibility is tying me down till 15th of nov: a report i'm frantically trying to catch up on after abandoning it for ... what, a month? two??

anyway. that's all. shouldn't even be here. should, no MUST catch up on the goddamn report. no sleep tonight either.

you guys who got freedom,

i hate you.

at least til i pass up my report and my own freedom comes to me.

then i'll like you all again.

kthxbai.

A Tale of the ... I dunno what to call it anymore.

2009-11-09T12:18:00.003+08:00

One day A woke up and found B suddenly standing outside the door.

B: Can you take me to X (A place quite far away)?
A: Why?
B: (pitiful face and red eyes) I need to buy something for someone back home.
A: What do you need to buy that is so urgent and important?
B: I'll pay you back the fare.
A: Must we go today?
B: Yes, since you're busy later.

A thinks: Okay la, since it's so important.

In car:
A: What is so important you have to buy today?
B: E (common thing that can be found EVERYWHERE)

A thinks: WTF?! B's hometown also have this thing what?! Why need to buy here??!!

but said nothing.

~ the end~

aiy the impact doesn't sound so good after editing...

I suddenly realised...

2009-11-07T15:23:00.007+08:00

...i've never visited any of my previous schools ever since i left them.

sure, the main reason is that both of them are in a different area, different state, even, from my house.

i've never stayed in a house the same area as the school i'm going to, so needless to say my schoolmates were never my neighbors.

i've never even been to a classmate's house until f5. haha, sad, aint it. it's always somewhere outside so that we can meet up at a "titik persilangan" so that both of us don't have to travel so far. (student ma, no driving license)

maybe this atributes to why i'm awkward about going into ppl's houses? i never know what to do then. especially houses of people i know. (if dunno the people living in a house you're visiting e.g. father's business client just smile and look interested while pretending to be busy with something e.g. phone. XD)

was going through the photos posted on the group site of my primary and secondary school. dang my primary school has changed, a LOT. the field i used to be crazy in is still there tho. but the places i spent the most of my time in are... gone. in their place are freakishly new buildings that, i guess, are the pride and joy of everyone there, especially the new students.

but to me, 南强 isn't real anymore.

I used to love its antiquity, the peaceful countryside scene in the middle of the busy car-ridden concrete forest, like some sort of timeless piece undisturbed in the modern era.

of course i knew that it would change after i left. they always do. already they were in the final stages of collecting donations for a new school hall.

I did return a few years back with my mom, as she needed to find a colleague.

It changed.

far more than i expected it to.

to me, now it has lost its sense of uniqueness and blended in with the modern world. it is now the same as any other school.

南强 had few tables, and the some of the stone stools used to have cracks in them but i never said anything. if anything i thought the cracks were marks or the school's history and shouldn't be touched.

I hated a school i went to. so much that i made a fuss about everything. the teachers, the students, the rules, the facilities, EVERYTHING.

i must have been an idiot and a nuisance to my classmates, many of whom, no doubt loved their mother school as much as i loved mine.

i regret my behaviour. had i stopped being so selfish, i might have noticed good points about that school. but honestly i still resent being sent there.

It's true then, when you love something even its flaws are perfect. If you hate something even its perfection is flawed.

Anyway, the cracked stools, they're gone now. replaced by new ones.

one by one my memories of that place is disappearing. soon, it would be a totally new existence that i don't have anything in common with.

would Assunta be like that after another 10 years? remodelled into a face i do not know? Assuntarians of ten years ago has surely felt what i'm feeling now as Assunta of ten years ago is also very different from the Assunta it is now.

Will you do that to me too, Assunta? will you change again so much that my memories held by you are destroyed? Will I be the only one who will remember what happened?

I'm not opposed to change. change makes us grow, for better or worse, but it makes us grow nontheless.

However i will never say i like it. Adapting to change is difficult, especially if its a bad one. Change destroys everything you have and forces you to start anew.

Change, makes reality a memory.

Randomness of the Day~

2009-11-04T15:34:00.003+08:00

i'm supposed to be studying icthyology.

i'm supposed to be rushing a report.

i'm supposed to be more serious in attempting to do the two things stated above.

i'm NOT supposed to be doing anything else that distracts me (like blogging)

arrgghh....

quitting is such an easy path. now i see why many do so...

In the exam hall... (ep. 2)

2009-11-01T21:25:00.004+08:00

... there were a total of 6 different papers for different courses.

among them was English for Special Purposes (required subject for those who scored below band 1-2 in MUET). i was taking another totally unrelated exam subject.

point is, there where students from China taking the paper so obviously they do not know bahasa melayu.

so the chief examiner tried his very best to translate the "opening exam speech" in english as per bm as it was supposed to be.

it went ok until the fourth and last part where it was about students needing to obey the university act for not cheating in exams.

the chief examiner went along something like this:

"since the act is not written in english, if the chinese (refering to students from China) do not understand, just raise your hands and we will get someone to explain in malay."

...

what?!

hello? if they understood malay they do not need you guys to explain right?

*at the end of the exam*

in his pitiful attempt to translate the "ending exam speech" he (or someone) actually translated the normal bm version word by word and was reading from the translation.

"students are required to stay put until hall monitors come and collect their papers. they are..."

Hall monitor: A student volunteer in schools who is charged with maintaining order in the school's corridors.
(wikipedia)

hello la. translate directly also do it with class abit can or not?

examiner, uncle. examiner.

this is damn random. i know.

study...

In the exam hall...

2009-10-29T15:16:00.003+08:00

...a phone rang.

i thought it was someone behind me, for THREE reasons:

1) my phone was already on silent.
2) my phone doesn't have chinese songs so even if i forgot my current ringtone impossible the phone is mine.
3) the sound was soft. at first.

=_=ll

the ringtone rang louder.

i thought "which idiot punya phone was that"

unknown to me people behind me were snickering. i was very diligently looking at my exam questions. (the exam starts in 5 minutes)

then the ringtone rang louder and louder and louder.

...

...

...

i realised the sound was coming from my jacket's pocket.

crap.

*flashback to this morning*

RM=roommate
HM=housemate

RM: wei today want to see lecturer you got bring your phone or not?
HM: bring your phone i dowan to bring my phone to exam.
RM: take your phone i dont have the lecturer's number. i also dowan to take i no pocket to put. i want to be able to call the lecturer to make sure he's there. later we go and he's not there wasting my precious time.
HM: my phone no credit.
RM: *sighing, checks phone* give me the number. i dun have.
HM: *recites number from memory*

RM: *passes phone to me* nah you take since you have pockets. later after exam pass back to me.
me: set silent mode already?
RM: yeah.
me: sure?
RM: SURE.

5 minutes before exam starts...

*flashback ends*

i thought i TOLD her to set it on SILENT??!! how come the alarm still can ring??!!!!!!

her phones make was a sony ericsson model. one of the brands i'm worst with due to the totally different key functions with nokia.

normally people can effectively shut off the phone in seconds.

i fidgeted with the stupid gadget for a full minute before managing to switch it off. WHILE the alarm was ringing.

double =_=ll

some random examiner that has been standing behind since god knows when: ei. tutup handphone.

=_=llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

THIS is what i get for helping people out???????!!!!!!

should i blame myself for not further asking whether the phone will make other noises?

or RM for not remembering an alarm was set?

or HM for not bringing her OWN phone??!!

ei go die la wei.

so memalukan. for EVERY exam i had brought my phone with me and this had never happened!

crap la.

The Tale of a Godforsaken Eagle

2009-10-21T18:50:00.004+08:00

Once, a soul-less eagle egg laid in a crevice.

unmoving, unknowing, uncaring. not feeling anything.

he did not care for the joy and the pain experienced by the other eggs above him. anything but himself was not his business.

he laid there through the heat and the cold, the sun and the rain, living entirely in his own world.

once day, he was noticed. someone picked him up and put him in a nearby swan's nest, assuming he had fell from there.

he laid in the nest with the other swan eggs, thinking, they are different. he was different. there was no way they could live together. and so he rejected them.

one by one the baby swans hatched and left. only he refused to hatch, always wishing the mother swan would just get up and be with her real offspring and leave him alone.

but the mother swan did not give up. she sat there, patiently, waiting for him to emerge from his shell.

everyday, she would encourage him.

every night, she would lull him to sleep.

days passed and the eaglet got used to the swan's company. it decided to finally emerge from its shell.

the swan took great care of the eaglet as he grew, guiding him, protecting him. although he treated the swan indifferently at first, as time passed the eaglet grew much more closer to the swan than he'd expected.

he came to see the swan as his god, one who gave him life, one who created him. any wish of hers was his command, and any request she had he had not the heart to deny. he would protect the swan from any danger with all his might.

such was his devotion to his god.

life went on. however all of a sudden the swan started to avoid the eagle. it came to the point where she treated him as a stranger in her life.

one day, the swan left the grassland where they had lived all this time and joined a neighboring flock of swans without any notice to the eagle.

the eagle broke. god had created him. now god had forsaken him.

But try as he might, he would not forget his god. so great was his devotion that he would follow the words of the god that had forsaken him no matter how it hurt.

Those whom he had acknowledged were precious few, after all.

And the swan was the one he had gotten the closest to.

God, if you were going to forsake me,
why did you create me in the first place?
I was perfectly happy not knowing joy.
not knowing pain.
not knowing anything.
Just living the way i was.
Now god, if you forsake me from Heaven where i can never reach;
then forgive me as i follow Lucifer to Hell where i truly belong.

Life as it is now

2009-10-20T15:14:00.003+08:00

Student's life consist of 5 major components:

1)Test
2)Assignments
3)Lab
4)Test
5)Finals

aaaaaarrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................................................................................

...

2009-10-11T09:41:00.003+08:00

there exist two different types of beings in this world we live in.

the demon, a being who cares for no one and nothing but itself, and

the angel, the other who cares puts others' wellbeing before itself.

those who exist between these two extremes, living between a mixture of these two cares, are called humans.

spreading its wings the demon can fly to the limits of the human sky, but it will never be able to reach heaven.

by itself, the angel's wings can carry it to heaven where it belongs, but it tries to care and ends up carrying too many people to be able to make it past the human sky.

the demon can enter hell any time with any amount of humans. After all it is far easier to drag everything down than to lift anything up.

the demon watches as the angel strains itself at the impossible task of carrying everyone to heaven.

"you care too much," it says to the angel, "let go of some and you will be able to enter heaven once more. the sins of those whom you carry are too heavy for you to bear."

"i can't. those who i leave behind will be upset." the angel replies, "i don't want to upset people i care about."

"i'll say this again. you care too much. some people do not deserve your kindness. until you learn to let go, you will never reach heaven with your wings."

and the angel continues its futile struggle to save everyone it cares about as the demon watches.

if he had the angel's wings, he would have entered heaven without caring. but then again, he wasn't an angel to begin with. he can never be an angel.

but in reality, the demon is envious of the angel. envious of its capability and will power to care of others beyond its means and never falling to the demon's temptation to forsake those whom it carries.

remaining an angel.

while the demon loses itself to humanity.

and therefore effectively losing his very existence.

I suddenly realised...

2009-10-07T21:24:00.002+08:00

...if i can make a smooth but albeit not too perfect U-turn using three different manual cars,

why the heck when i'm driving my mom's auto Gen 2 my U-turns are horribly unstable??

in a little more than a month i'll be back.

and I swear to heaven and hell I'll get you to perform perfect U-turns for me.

just you wait!

RAWR.

...

2009-10-02T22:53:00.001+08:00

Tell me,

Why do I even bother to put on a mask?

A façade to deceive people around me?

People who I ACTUALLY trust and care about?

I was told that it was because we had hearts.

I did not have one before this.

Even if I did it lay dormant and forgotten.

But being with people like you made me human.

Being with people like you made me have a conscience.

Is this a good thing?

Its good that I care more about people I trust now.

But I am fake towards those I dislike.

This is not good.

As least, when I wasn’t human

Everyone was equal.

I showed my dislike whenever I wanted and my trust whenever I willed.

I was true to what I feel.

Even if whatever I felt then was limited.

Manners

2009-10-01T12:54:00.006+08:00

There's a saying in chinese about a person having no manners (没家教). i generally do not like calling anyone by that name.

why?

this saying implies that a person having no manners is of no fault of his own but of his parents'.

eh Hello.

yes i do know some parents are to blame for neglecting their kids. but then your life is yours. how you decide to live is your decision. and therefore, all faults are also yours. no matter what kind of stupid excuse you make to push to other people.

because, no matter how credible and true that stupid excuse is, you can ALWAYS find a way to reject that excuse and put the blame on yourself.

so this is also why we shouldn't blame our parents for the our own bloody lack of manners.

i say that i don't like to use this saying on anyone. but there ARE situations that just inevitably make me want to yell it at the person.

if it doesn't belong to you, you have no goddamn right to take it. not unless the right was given to you by the owner.

why is it that humans are self-centered to the point where they think its okay for them to do anything to everybody's items but to use anything belonging to them others need to beg for their permission?

great.

so now you've taken it without permission. used it without permission. damaged it without prior knowledge of the owner.

are YOU going to give it back?

you have no goddamn business using the goddamn thing okay?! even if you were curious the way it works, bloody hell it was never your turn to try it out even without permission.

understand the goddamn hierarchy in the system you exist in and learn your goddamn place.

and please.

don't expect people to clean your goddamn mess.

and also.

please don't use that idiotic look on me. it only works on dogs.

Raya holidays

2009-09-21T14:46:00.004+08:00

As many of you know, i did not go back to civilisation this raya holidays, choosing instead to remain in this godforsaken jungle habitat. (i swear the ants in my house are having baby booms)

I'm gonna miss ya fish. sorry that i'm not able to see you off at the airport. (will make added effort to kidnap you when you eventually come back). dont forget to wait for my bananas at UK! you MUST show me proof that you ate them even tho they are bound to arrive mouldy and brown. bwaahahahaah...

one reason why i did not want to go back is because i KNOW i wont be able to do any work at home. i'd spend time going out, meeting friends, playing with my guitar etc...

anything but my coursework.

which is building up and generating dust.

and also what i'm SUPPOSED to do like right now.

and speaking of which i shall get started AFTER this:

I NEED TO WIN THE LOTTERY!!!

why?

lottery -> money -> CAR = freedom!!!

my formula for now. don't disprove it.

maybe i'm new at driving but i really like being behind the wheels.

everyone else who has driven for more than to years has tried to convince me that driving is tiring, straining and boring. (which includes majority of my friends and 2 parents)

maybe i will feel like that after two years. but why not enjoy it when i feel like enjoying it?

here i thank my roommate for loaning me her baby and trusting me so much.

i am really REALLY happy that you are more worried about my well being than that of your car.

i'm fine. REALLY.

maybe i sucked when i drove you off, but on the way back i was okay. nothing bad happened today either when i drove my other friend to the station and back.

i've improved lots compared to the first drive i had in KT. (also after your scolding.)

i feel blessed to have such friends.

fate might have not given me the best in life, but i'm grateful that it did not chose to give me the worst in life, either.

Where are you, Freedom?

2009-09-18T17:49:00.002+08:00

I went to Pulau Kapas with my coursemates yesterday. Just came back. Had a Great time. Really. the only reason why there are no other elaborations is because i'm tired.

more tired than before i went to the island.

"A person who needs a vacation the most is one that just had a vacation."

How true.

Anyway, back on topic.

I went there with high hopes of finding my lost feeling of freedom.

I needed to feel free again.

Now that i'm back,

I feel refreshed but exhausted at the same time.

I feel lethargic.

I feel peaceful.

But Freedom eludes me.

Somewhere along the way from F5 to UMT, i must have locked myself without realising it and misplaced my key of freedom.

As it is now, the key is lost.

A spare key exists, i suppose. But i can not and will not obtain it from where it is held.

Freedom

2009-09-15T02:35:00.002+08:00

Someone asked me what did i value most in this world.

now, i'm a unsocialable materialistic introvert. so normally when i'm confronted with this question i would answer with either my guitar or my cat.

but honestly, i value my freedom the most.

to be free, to be not tied down by money, work, people.

but this feeling, i hardly get it anymore.

i had the most freedom during my primary school days, and it gradually lessened through my secondary school era and now, it is almost non-existent.

when i first came here i felt it in many little ways.

this feeling lessened in sem 2.

so far in sem 3 i do not remember ever feeling freedom. so much that i have forgotten what freedom felt like, what it WAS.

then yesterday afternoon, i felt it.

i was walking back to the lab empty handed.

then it hit me.

for that one, brief moment, i felt freedom in its outmost glory.

for that one second i felt my entire being relax and an overwhelming sense of peace came over me.

then, as suddenly as it came, it left me.

Leaving me addicted to its taste.

Freedom is peace.

I need to feel free again.

Expectations

2009-09-11T15:01:00.007+08:00

Don't expect me to do the best, for i would return your expectation by presenting my worst.

But expect me to fail, and i will show you that i will surpass them all.

i'm such an ironic person. my performance is always inversely proportionate with the expectations people have for me.

the higher the hope they lay on me, the worse i'll turn out.

however my friends are not the type to pijak me and expect the worst.

so normally they'd expect just the average. and that is what i would give.

High expectations give me stress. and i don't function well under stress.

the 7 minutes i spent waiting for my turn to present this morning HAD to be the longest and most stressful moment of my life so far.

endless comments, endless questions, and to top it off he was praised as a good presenter.

i had to top that. i needed to. i failed.

i became nervous.

when i stood before the podium, before the audience, my mind was blank.

i didnt know what i was doing anymore.

i tried to present within my time limit. and in that aspect too i failed.

somehow i became tongue tied and rushed through my slides.

my speed as also worse than ever. i wasn't presenting anything. i was reading the goddamn slide.

then came the Q & A session.

i KNEW the bloody answer. i goddamn KNEW it!

but my brain refused to let me connect the words into a sentence.

how did i let this happen to me? why the hell i HAD, just HAD to be nervous?!

this nervousness came upon me like a bomb, and now i'm still feeling the aftermath of the explosion.

this goddamn nervousness and still resonating within me.

...

2009-09-06T16:45:00.002+08:00

My medication can only ease so much of my mood swings. But as it is the frequency is increasing everyday. It’s getting harder and harder to keep it in check and I can only take that much of the drug everyday.

Why the hell is this happening?

Something is clearly wrong with me. I know that.

What the hell can I do about it?

How does someone keep a drowning person whose body is weighed down by an evergrowing boulder afloat?

No matter how many bouyancy devices you provide him, the growing boulder pulling him down will in time, nullify the buoyancy of the person and drag him down deeper.

No matter how many buoyancy devices you give him, one day the supply is going to run out if the boulder doesn’t stop growing.

The solution?

Detach the boulder.

Easy, right?

Yeah. If it was so easily done.